How great is this kid?
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Gobble Gobble
Turkey day was pretty wonderful. Katy's family all came to visit.
The Womb Whisperer and her common law husband came to fawn over our kid, and remind us they are not getting married or having any kids of their own.
I cooked my first bird and showed off the tan, supple breasts.
We spent the day cooking our asses off; everyone had their fill.
Even the new guy had to unbutton after a satisfying meal...
The Womb Whisperer and her common law husband came to fawn over our kid, and remind us they are not getting married or having any kids of their own.
I cooked my first bird and showed off the tan, supple breasts.
We spent the day cooking our asses off; everyone had their fill.
Even the new guy had to unbutton after a satisfying meal...
We feel pretty thankful...
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Overheard
K: What are you doing?
T: What?
K: Did you just have your nose in the baby's mouth?!?
T: um... well... I was sort of just... checking
K: Checking for teeth?
T: His breath...
K: How's that?
T: His breath is very sweet. It kind of smells like candy corn- yummy- even though I don't like candy corn... maybe fresh cotton candy.
K: You are very special... I'm not going to tell anyone about this.
T: What?
K: Did you just have your nose in the baby's mouth?!?
T: um... well... I was sort of just... checking
K: Checking for teeth?
T: His breath...
K: How's that?
T: His breath is very sweet. It kind of smells like candy corn- yummy- even though I don't like candy corn... maybe fresh cotton candy.
K: You are very special... I'm not going to tell anyone about this.
Monday, November 19, 2007
How to get a few extra minutes of shut-eye
A little blurry due to no flash and a shutter speed of what felt like about 32 seconds.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Sunday meditation
I realized today that I miss being pregnant.
Not that I would, if magically enabled, turn back the clock. There is plenty to appreciate about not being preggers: sleeping on my stomach, getting back into lawn care, no heartburn, BREATHING comfortably, an occasional alcoholic libation, holding and smelling and kissing our son...
When I was in a family way, some women said, "You will miss him moving inside of you." I guess that prediction speaks to what I am trying to describe. I admit, I bristled or balked when I was told I would miss having him inside of me because I assumed it was about needing and desiring that unique, intriguing intimacy. I really don't miss him moving inside of me. That was fun- okay, that was pretty wonderful... I mean, I'm glad I experienced it... but I find the intimacy we as a family are experiencing on the outside much more satisfying and sweet.
So what is it then? What am I trying to say that I miss?
Feeling like "a house" causes some women to lament during pregnancy. Growing large during gestation makes things difficult and tiring. For me, though, "Housing" this fetus/infant was like rekindling a loving relationship with my body. After you've been with someone for a while, you might overlook the little things you were so impressed by at the beginning. In high school and college, you should have seen my body! She was a rock star! I was as enthusiastic about and as attracted to my own physical abilities and sexiness as I was about/to any other bodies that happened to be around me. I wasn't full of myself. I was full of gratitude and experiencing healthy, able-bodied-ness. It's when you feel young and healthy because you are young and healthy (Slightly different from meditating and playing other mind games to keep yourself among the young at heart.)
So it was during most of my pregnancy. Especially at the end of the 3rd trimester, i had all these physical discomforts, but I felt HEALTHY. I felt unconcerned by my aches and pains. The discomfort was disproportionate to the metamorphosis. I was proud of the work my body was doing, of the practically effortless utilization of resources, and the perfect protections my body offered to both the Bean and me. My brain didn't know shit about how to be pregnant. Read all the books you want, you won't even scratch at the surface of what your body knows.
Prior to getting knocked up, I was worried about gaining too much weight, worried about being sick, worried about needing to lie down all the time (and therefore feeling "weak.") But my body kicked some serious ass during this pregnancy. My weight gain was minimal, my energy level relatively high. Every negative symptom was predictable, normal, and tolerable. It was by luck, not because of anything I did or planned, but no one was more surprised than me by what pregnancy did for me. It made me feel strong. It made me feel proud. It made me fall in love with my body again. It made me feel like a house. An old, sturdy, warm, well-built house (with a new roof, updated windows and recently installed central air.)
From the time something the size of a grain of rice caused daily queasiness, to the headaches that let me know some chemical balance had been interrupted and it was time to go get the kid born, my body did everything it was supposed to do. I was able (maybe for the first time in my life) to be gentle with myself, and my body proved to be completely trustworthy.
So now, I'm back to just being me- alone inside my body. And it's a little like coming home from an exotic vacation. When you sleep in your own bed for the first time, the pressure is finally off. Coming home is relaxing and comforting, but it's not as romantic or exciting. You don't feel quite as "alive" ticking through your normal routine as you did when you were out exploring the world.
It's good to be home (with a crying, pooping, peeing, smiling, cooing, snuggling souvenir of the trip. ) But I'm not going to lie, I miss it a little...
Not that I would, if magically enabled, turn back the clock. There is plenty to appreciate about not being preggers: sleeping on my stomach, getting back into lawn care, no heartburn, BREATHING comfortably, an occasional alcoholic libation, holding and smelling and kissing our son...
When I was in a family way, some women said, "You will miss him moving inside of you." I guess that prediction speaks to what I am trying to describe. I admit, I bristled or balked when I was told I would miss having him inside of me because I assumed it was about needing and desiring that unique, intriguing intimacy. I really don't miss him moving inside of me. That was fun- okay, that was pretty wonderful... I mean, I'm glad I experienced it... but I find the intimacy we as a family are experiencing on the outside much more satisfying and sweet.
So what is it then? What am I trying to say that I miss?
Feeling like "a house" causes some women to lament during pregnancy. Growing large during gestation makes things difficult and tiring. For me, though, "Housing" this fetus/infant was like rekindling a loving relationship with my body. After you've been with someone for a while, you might overlook the little things you were so impressed by at the beginning. In high school and college, you should have seen my body! She was a rock star! I was as enthusiastic about and as attracted to my own physical abilities and sexiness as I was about/to any other bodies that happened to be around me. I wasn't full of myself. I was full of gratitude and experiencing healthy, able-bodied-ness. It's when you feel young and healthy because you are young and healthy (Slightly different from meditating and playing other mind games to keep yourself among the young at heart.)
So it was during most of my pregnancy. Especially at the end of the 3rd trimester, i had all these physical discomforts, but I felt HEALTHY. I felt unconcerned by my aches and pains. The discomfort was disproportionate to the metamorphosis. I was proud of the work my body was doing, of the practically effortless utilization of resources, and the perfect protections my body offered to both the Bean and me. My brain didn't know shit about how to be pregnant. Read all the books you want, you won't even scratch at the surface of what your body knows.
Prior to getting knocked up, I was worried about gaining too much weight, worried about being sick, worried about needing to lie down all the time (and therefore feeling "weak.") But my body kicked some serious ass during this pregnancy. My weight gain was minimal, my energy level relatively high. Every negative symptom was predictable, normal, and tolerable. It was by luck, not because of anything I did or planned, but no one was more surprised than me by what pregnancy did for me. It made me feel strong. It made me feel proud. It made me fall in love with my body again. It made me feel like a house. An old, sturdy, warm, well-built house (with a new roof, updated windows and recently installed central air.)
From the time something the size of a grain of rice caused daily queasiness, to the headaches that let me know some chemical balance had been interrupted and it was time to go get the kid born, my body did everything it was supposed to do. I was able (maybe for the first time in my life) to be gentle with myself, and my body proved to be completely trustworthy.
So now, I'm back to just being me- alone inside my body. And it's a little like coming home from an exotic vacation. When you sleep in your own bed for the first time, the pressure is finally off. Coming home is relaxing and comforting, but it's not as romantic or exciting. You don't feel quite as "alive" ticking through your normal routine as you did when you were out exploring the world.
It's good to be home (with a crying, pooping, peeing, smiling, cooing, snuggling souvenir of the trip. ) But I'm not going to lie, I miss it a little...
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Why not Marriage Equality?
I think this ad says it all...
If you want a decrease in the "evil acts" some associate with homosexuality, let men marry other men! These boys seem too tired to be committing sodomy.
Also, these have been around for a little while. There are 4 versions that are worth a look-and-see on youtube, but the "taxes" one is my fav because I have been known to get a little enraged about our fake-legal-status every year at tax time.
Aside from the plucky music and the gentle, ironic tone which I think is very effective in these "Think Equal" ads, I love what they've done with the personifications. I like the non-plussed, relaxed "I'm okay with you- what's wrong with you?" self-entitled air about the "married" character while the "civil union" character is kind of tired as if to say, "I'm okay with you too, but I'm getting killed here."
Kt and I are Civil unionized and there are two huge issues that we seem to get all riled up about related to not being able to get "MARRIED". The biggest thing it means for us right now is that IN CONNECTICUT, we are considered legally similar to married couples; Except we can't leave the state and retain any protections. If we are travelling, we are not connected legally at all. If any distant, out of state relatives wanted to challenge our "arrangement" in their "out-of-state" courts they could. Even if they lost the court battle, a case could be brought in a place we never lived where our civil union (the only proof of our valid, legal relationship) is meaningless. The major downer, of course, is this only becomes an issue if something awful were to happen to one or both of us. While we are both standing here breathing air and mentating, we can fight off problems and challenges together. But if there is some kind of tragedy: illness, injury, loss of life, etc., our legal standing is a crap shoot.
The other issue we get infuriated about is the financial aspect. We are living an intertwined monetary existence (as most married couples are). All her assets are mine and mine hers. All our bank accounts are joint bank accounts. Every penny she earns, I can go out and spend. Our mortgage, our cars, our insurance... All under both of our names. But get this, if one of us dies, the government will try to figure out what is hers and tax me on it- as income; not HALF of it, all of it. (They don't do that for married couples.) We are not entitled to each other's social security benefits at all, or the non-taxed amounts of each other retirement funds. (Guess if that is the case for married couples???)
Also, the health benefits we are legally entitled to provide for one another are taxed (They are non-taxable for married couples). We are not allowed to share our resources in non-taxed health care savings accounts (as are married couples.) We have to annually make an imaginary division of our assets instead of filing income taxes as a family (as most married couples do.)
This is a hassle and an insult. And also this costs us money! Money in the form of not getting the tax and monetary benefits of marriage, and Money in the form of having to hire accountants and lawyers to make sure that we are not breaking the law when we file and are legally protected "kin" to one another.
But much worse, THIS is the government's way of forcing us to lie. We are not "single, married, divorced or widowed. " If you make us choose, we are forced to check off the "single" box. If we are "single" than you are saying that all gay parents are single parents (the societal implication of this is worthy of it's own post.) If you make us check off the "single" box, you essentially delete our family... you erase homosexual couples from the numbers... according to the US government, we don't even even exist!
Isn't that convenient.
If you are straight and you wanna know what you can do... Read below this line i've drawn in the sand.
-------------------------------------------------
If you don't want to be subjected to my little civic lesson, stop reading now.
It's not too late.
You can
stop
reading
now...
Okay, I'm glad you joined us:
If you are straight and you wanna know what you can do...
I'll tell you:
1. OWN THIS ISSUE A LITTLE... GET A LITTLE OUTRAGED. Then SPEAK UP in your own quiet way...
Know that your place in society includes speaking out for a minority that is being denied civil rights. The loudest (allegedly) heterosexual voices on this issue are against equal rights. I often wonder, "why do they care so much, that they devote all this energy to trying to keep kt and i from getting married?" It turns out that the loud ones are in the minority. Take solace and strength, my friends, in the knowledge that the majority of Hets are like you... You have a few gays that you love, that you know are productive members of society, and you're too busy living your everyday life to be all that politically active. You don't give a rat's ass whether or not I get an equal tax relief on my employer-offered, health care benefits. (In fact, you probably think I should get equal benefits,) but you don't know all the talking points and don't want to get into some major debate with an Evangelical wingnut shouting out about "Special rights."
2: Don't believe the lie that gay people are asking for "Special rights" when we are asking for equal, civil rights. People that say this, that talk about a "gay agenda" and the "gays trying to take away your rights..." Their arguments are usually compelling because those people are so convinced of the truth of their opinion. But really, does this make sense to you? Even if marriage is being redefined (as it has been redefined many times throughout history) how does that really negatively affect you??? Think of those dad's in the ad, just making dinner for and putting their two children to bed. Why shouldn't those dudes be allowed to get married?
By the way, the government has never been able to tell churches who they can and can't marry. To this day, the Catholic church will refuse to marry couples who are interfaith, who are divorced, who don't attend mass regularly, or who are not members of the church community. It is a scare tactic to pretend that legalizing same sex marriage will mean that churches will have to change their laws. (Incidentally, the law states you can't use gender to discriminate in employment practices, but that doesn't mean that the RCC has opened up the priesthood to women.)
3. Vote. You'd be hard pressed to find a mainstream candidate who states their support for same sex marriage. Trust me when I tell you that will change in 10-20 years. But for now, Vote for candidates that want to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act. Vote for candidates that don't think the federal government should limit the definition of marriage to a union between a man and a woman. Vote for candidates that promise to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell. Vote for candidates that say "Federal protections should be offered to gay and lesbian couples."
4. Find your voice and speak up in small groups.
- Walk away when gay jokes are told.
- Stop calling strange things "gay," and "queer."
- If you have no problem with Jake's mom's getting married, say so when you are in a group of (alleged) straights and someone is going off about how marriage needs to be protected from the gays. It's as simple as saying, "I have no problem with same sex marriage." And if someone wants to debate it and you don't feel like it, you can say, "I'm not going to debate you, I'm just saying, I have no problem with same sex marriage." That type of comment goes a long way- especially if there might be a man or woman in your circle of friends who is in the closet and listening...
Chances are good, you are not the only one in that group who wants that guy to shut the eff up.
5. Give money to Love Makes a family (In CT) or other groups that support the legal challenges facing GLBT families. Even if you give $5, $10, $20 a year, your name goes on their roles. The numbers of supporters increase. Numbers matter where these issues are concerned. Numbers matter when the federal government can "erase" me and my family by refusing to acknowledge us or provide a box for us to check that accurately defines our existance...
That's all. Not too much to ask, right?
Let me just say, to all you who read below the line,
I love you, peeps!
;)
If you want a decrease in the "evil acts" some associate with homosexuality, let men marry other men! These boys seem too tired to be committing sodomy.
Also, these have been around for a little while. There are 4 versions that are worth a look-and-see on youtube, but the "taxes" one is my fav because I have been known to get a little enraged about our fake-legal-status every year at tax time.
Aside from the plucky music and the gentle, ironic tone which I think is very effective in these "Think Equal" ads, I love what they've done with the personifications. I like the non-plussed, relaxed "I'm okay with you- what's wrong with you?" self-entitled air about the "married" character while the "civil union" character is kind of tired as if to say, "I'm okay with you too, but I'm getting killed here."
Kt and I are Civil unionized and there are two huge issues that we seem to get all riled up about related to not being able to get "MARRIED". The biggest thing it means for us right now is that IN CONNECTICUT, we are considered legally similar to married couples; Except we can't leave the state and retain any protections. If we are travelling, we are not connected legally at all. If any distant, out of state relatives wanted to challenge our "arrangement" in their "out-of-state" courts they could. Even if they lost the court battle, a case could be brought in a place we never lived where our civil union (the only proof of our valid, legal relationship) is meaningless. The major downer, of course, is this only becomes an issue if something awful were to happen to one or both of us. While we are both standing here breathing air and mentating, we can fight off problems and challenges together. But if there is some kind of tragedy: illness, injury, loss of life, etc., our legal standing is a crap shoot.
The other issue we get infuriated about is the financial aspect. We are living an intertwined monetary existence (as most married couples are). All her assets are mine and mine hers. All our bank accounts are joint bank accounts. Every penny she earns, I can go out and spend. Our mortgage, our cars, our insurance... All under both of our names. But get this, if one of us dies, the government will try to figure out what is hers and tax me on it- as income; not HALF of it, all of it. (They don't do that for married couples.) We are not entitled to each other's social security benefits at all, or the non-taxed amounts of each other retirement funds. (Guess if that is the case for married couples???)
Also, the health benefits we are legally entitled to provide for one another are taxed (They are non-taxable for married couples). We are not allowed to share our resources in non-taxed health care savings accounts (as are married couples.) We have to annually make an imaginary division of our assets instead of filing income taxes as a family (as most married couples do.)
This is a hassle and an insult. And also this costs us money! Money in the form of not getting the tax and monetary benefits of marriage, and Money in the form of having to hire accountants and lawyers to make sure that we are not breaking the law when we file and are legally protected "kin" to one another.
But much worse, THIS is the government's way of forcing us to lie. We are not "single, married, divorced or widowed. " If you make us choose, we are forced to check off the "single" box. If we are "single" than you are saying that all gay parents are single parents (the societal implication of this is worthy of it's own post.) If you make us check off the "single" box, you essentially delete our family... you erase homosexual couples from the numbers... according to the US government, we don't even even exist!
Isn't that convenient.
If you are straight and you wanna know what you can do... Read below this line i've drawn in the sand.
-------------------------------------------------
If you don't want to be subjected to my little civic lesson, stop reading now.
It's not too late.
You can
stop
reading
now...
Okay, I'm glad you joined us:
If you are straight and you wanna know what you can do...
I'll tell you:
1. OWN THIS ISSUE A LITTLE... GET A LITTLE OUTRAGED. Then SPEAK UP in your own quiet way...
Know that your place in society includes speaking out for a minority that is being denied civil rights. The loudest (allegedly) heterosexual voices on this issue are against equal rights. I often wonder, "why do they care so much, that they devote all this energy to trying to keep kt and i from getting married?" It turns out that the loud ones are in the minority. Take solace and strength, my friends, in the knowledge that the majority of Hets are like you... You have a few gays that you love, that you know are productive members of society, and you're too busy living your everyday life to be all that politically active. You don't give a rat's ass whether or not I get an equal tax relief on my employer-offered, health care benefits. (In fact, you probably think I should get equal benefits,) but you don't know all the talking points and don't want to get into some major debate with an Evangelical wingnut shouting out about "Special rights."
2: Don't believe the lie that gay people are asking for "Special rights" when we are asking for equal, civil rights. People that say this, that talk about a "gay agenda" and the "gays trying to take away your rights..." Their arguments are usually compelling because those people are so convinced of the truth of their opinion. But really, does this make sense to you? Even if marriage is being redefined (as it has been redefined many times throughout history) how does that really negatively affect you??? Think of those dad's in the ad, just making dinner for and putting their two children to bed. Why shouldn't those dudes be allowed to get married?
By the way, the government has never been able to tell churches who they can and can't marry. To this day, the Catholic church will refuse to marry couples who are interfaith, who are divorced, who don't attend mass regularly, or who are not members of the church community. It is a scare tactic to pretend that legalizing same sex marriage will mean that churches will have to change their laws. (Incidentally, the law states you can't use gender to discriminate in employment practices, but that doesn't mean that the RCC has opened up the priesthood to women.)
3. Vote. You'd be hard pressed to find a mainstream candidate who states their support for same sex marriage. Trust me when I tell you that will change in 10-20 years. But for now, Vote for candidates that want to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act. Vote for candidates that don't think the federal government should limit the definition of marriage to a union between a man and a woman. Vote for candidates that promise to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell. Vote for candidates that say "Federal protections should be offered to gay and lesbian couples."
4. Find your voice and speak up in small groups.
- Walk away when gay jokes are told.
- Stop calling strange things "gay," and "queer."
- If you have no problem with Jake's mom's getting married, say so when you are in a group of (alleged) straights and someone is going off about how marriage needs to be protected from the gays. It's as simple as saying, "I have no problem with same sex marriage." And if someone wants to debate it and you don't feel like it, you can say, "I'm not going to debate you, I'm just saying, I have no problem with same sex marriage." That type of comment goes a long way- especially if there might be a man or woman in your circle of friends who is in the closet and listening...
Chances are good, you are not the only one in that group who wants that guy to shut the eff up.
5. Give money to Love Makes a family (In CT) or other groups that support the legal challenges facing GLBT families. Even if you give $5, $10, $20 a year, your name goes on their roles. The numbers of supporters increase. Numbers matter where these issues are concerned. Numbers matter when the federal government can "erase" me and my family by refusing to acknowledge us or provide a box for us to check that accurately defines our existance...
That's all. Not too much to ask, right?
Let me just say, to all you who read below the line,
I love you, peeps!
;)
Monday, November 05, 2007
Another perfect lesbian family
Apparently, Katie Homes is a marathon runner that doesn't own a sport's bra.
I used to be in love with this chick, but she is killing me with her "chosen lifestyle!!!"
BTW, if Tom Cruise doesn't look like a woman in this picture, I don't know who does!?!
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Vital statistics...
JB had his one month well-child visit last Friday.
(It was his five week birthday)
Katy, my breasts, and I are proud to report that this kid is getting plenty of food.
He has gained 3 lbs and 1 oz in 35 days... Tipping the scales at 11 lbs, 10 ozs.
Holy cow!
He's in the 95th percentile.
But just to give it some perspective...
He's still a little boy...
(It was his five week birthday)
Katy, my breasts, and I are proud to report that this kid is getting plenty of food.
He has gained 3 lbs and 1 oz in 35 days... Tipping the scales at 11 lbs, 10 ozs.
Holy cow!
He's in the 95th percentile.
But just to give it some perspective...
He's still a little boy...
Thursday, November 01, 2007
The darker side
I've looked back at a few posts and things seem really perfect around here don't they? If you were an outside observer reading this space, you might expect the next post I write to describe sunshine and daffodils growing out of my (or my baby's) ass... If I were a new mom, or a mom who has vivid memories of what new motherhood was like, I might be inclined to feel insecure or think, "This blogger lies, and this blog is a load of heady bullcrap!!!"
Motherhood is intense and mostly wonderful, but let's be real, it gets a little scary and overwhelming, especially when the night falls (which it does early this time of year.) Let me start by saying that 2 nights ago I got approximately 15 minutes of sleep between the hours of midnight and 6am, but last night JB slept 4.5 consecutive hours. Then he slept a full 3 hours. And he is sleeping now. While he was enjoying his longest-night-time-snooze-ever, though, I was awake.
I literally sweat myself awake in the middle of the night waiting for him to need food.
(Side note: There has been a lot of sweating and soaking the bed lately. I wake up and pull myself to a sitting position and sweat balls drip down my torso and down my limbs. My pillow has a ring of sweat twice the size of my head, which is good because that reassures me that the "wet spots" under my body might not be milk pouring out of my breasts. My hair is soaked and I get cold because all the wetness catches every draft when I remove the covers. I am not having nightmares. It is either the hormones of lactation and motherhood, or I am dying from a horrible disease!)
Anyway, this morning I woke up at 2 am (the babester and his moms had gone to bed at 11pm) and expecting JB to stir and cry for some boobie at any moment, I stayed awake and listened to him breathe (snore, moan, groan, and grunt.) At some point, I started to worry about SIDs in a very general way and then katy woke for a few moments to converse with me in a delirious sleepy stupor:
K: Where's the baby?
T: In the bassinet.
K: You put him back?
T: (panicked) He was in the bed?!?
K: Yeah.
T: When?
K: I dont' know. Before.
T: What? Are you sure?
K: (falling back out of "talking sleep" to real sleep) ZZzzzzzzz...
T: (jumping out of bed to check JB was in the bassinet and not somewhere under the covers...)
He was in the bassinet. She dreamt that she had brought him to bed with us. I stuck my hand in front of his face to verify exhalation and wiped my sweaty brow.
Then I laid awake with my heart thumping for the better part of 2 hours convinced that if I fell asleep, he might die (and wouldn't I regret needing to catch those extra few minutes of REM, if that wasn't just a passing worry about SIDS, but a premonition... right?) It was totally insane. I couldn't get my rational self to relax. My imagination overruled all of my good sense, instinct, and Maslow's hierarchy of need (ie- sleep.)
Last night was Halloween, but that's not why the night is a little scary.
I am producing an alarming amount of sheet-staining sweat... but that's not why night is a little scary...
It's a little scary because I have found myself spending quality sleep time "warding off death" by worrying. (Under the somehow hereditary, natural law of illogical parental protection, if you worry about something hard enough, with enough passion and attention to detail, you can prevent it from happening. Weren't you also indoctrinated into that insane line of thinking?)
It is a little scary because night-time safety was essentially destroyed this summer when people we cared about were attacked and tortured and murdered one random night in their home. You can tell yourself over and over that the odds are with you and something bad won't happen, but all logical reasoning gets tossed out the window when that one, pathetic, weak voice inside your head whispers, "but something bad did happen over there, very close to us..." odds don't matter much when you realize intuitively and concretely that someone has to win the lotto of despair.
But without all that drama, night is still a little scary because of the unpredictability of it all. Not the unpredictability of life and death, but the unpredictability of being someone's mommy. Some nights I'm living large and sleeping 2-4 hours at a clip... some nights I'm lucky to catch 30 minutes of shut-eye at a time. I tuck myself in every night, excited for the potential respite. "Here goes nothing," I think, unconvinced that I will be rested or wrapped in dry sheets at daybreak.
It's a little scary to care way more about this defenseless, little child than I care about my own hunger, thirst, fatigue or comfort level. And I still just barely know this kid!!! What happens when we really get close and I like him for who he is??? What kind of over protection will I try to offer him at that point???
Then the morning comes... and thank goodness, other people are awake with you, and things get a little more rational.
Motherhood is intense and mostly wonderful, but let's be real, it gets a little scary and overwhelming, especially when the night falls (which it does early this time of year.) Let me start by saying that 2 nights ago I got approximately 15 minutes of sleep between the hours of midnight and 6am, but last night JB slept 4.5 consecutive hours. Then he slept a full 3 hours. And he is sleeping now. While he was enjoying his longest-night-time-snooze-ever, though, I was awake.
I literally sweat myself awake in the middle of the night waiting for him to need food.
(Side note: There has been a lot of sweating and soaking the bed lately. I wake up and pull myself to a sitting position and sweat balls drip down my torso and down my limbs. My pillow has a ring of sweat twice the size of my head, which is good because that reassures me that the "wet spots" under my body might not be milk pouring out of my breasts. My hair is soaked and I get cold because all the wetness catches every draft when I remove the covers. I am not having nightmares. It is either the hormones of lactation and motherhood, or I am dying from a horrible disease!)
Anyway, this morning I woke up at 2 am (the babester and his moms had gone to bed at 11pm) and expecting JB to stir and cry for some boobie at any moment, I stayed awake and listened to him breathe (snore, moan, groan, and grunt.) At some point, I started to worry about SIDs in a very general way and then katy woke for a few moments to converse with me in a delirious sleepy stupor:
K: Where's the baby?
T: In the bassinet.
K: You put him back?
T: (panicked) He was in the bed?!?
K: Yeah.
T: When?
K: I dont' know. Before.
T: What? Are you sure?
K: (falling back out of "talking sleep" to real sleep) ZZzzzzzzz...
T: (jumping out of bed to check JB was in the bassinet and not somewhere under the covers...)
He was in the bassinet. She dreamt that she had brought him to bed with us. I stuck my hand in front of his face to verify exhalation and wiped my sweaty brow.
Then I laid awake with my heart thumping for the better part of 2 hours convinced that if I fell asleep, he might die (and wouldn't I regret needing to catch those extra few minutes of REM, if that wasn't just a passing worry about SIDS, but a premonition... right?) It was totally insane. I couldn't get my rational self to relax. My imagination overruled all of my good sense, instinct, and Maslow's hierarchy of need (ie- sleep.)
Last night was Halloween, but that's not why the night is a little scary.
I am producing an alarming amount of sheet-staining sweat... but that's not why night is a little scary...
It's a little scary because I have found myself spending quality sleep time "warding off death" by worrying. (Under the somehow hereditary, natural law of illogical parental protection, if you worry about something hard enough, with enough passion and attention to detail, you can prevent it from happening. Weren't you also indoctrinated into that insane line of thinking?)
It is a little scary because night-time safety was essentially destroyed this summer when people we cared about were attacked and tortured and murdered one random night in their home. You can tell yourself over and over that the odds are with you and something bad won't happen, but all logical reasoning gets tossed out the window when that one, pathetic, weak voice inside your head whispers, "but something bad did happen over there, very close to us..." odds don't matter much when you realize intuitively and concretely that someone has to win the lotto of despair.
But without all that drama, night is still a little scary because of the unpredictability of it all. Not the unpredictability of life and death, but the unpredictability of being someone's mommy. Some nights I'm living large and sleeping 2-4 hours at a clip... some nights I'm lucky to catch 30 minutes of shut-eye at a time. I tuck myself in every night, excited for the potential respite. "Here goes nothing," I think, unconvinced that I will be rested or wrapped in dry sheets at daybreak.
It's a little scary to care way more about this defenseless, little child than I care about my own hunger, thirst, fatigue or comfort level. And I still just barely know this kid!!! What happens when we really get close and I like him for who he is??? What kind of over protection will I try to offer him at that point???
Then the morning comes... and thank goodness, other people are awake with you, and things get a little more rational.
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