When Katy and I were married, this was the song playing during our first dance together...
It is true, isn't it? Love is all you need.
And also, sometimes, it's no where near enough.
There will be more to write and share because this blog is really for our sons, and when they grow up, they deserve to know a bit more about the "say what now?" that we have set in motion. But tonight, it seems important to come clean on the Gin Soaked Olive...
Most of the last year has been a slow, heartbreaking dance of negotiation and decision (Katy's and my relationship hanging in the balance). As marriage equality, literally swept the country; as DOMA was overturned; as state after state leveled the legal playing field, it became more and more clear that our marriage was coming to an end. This Thanksgiving weekend brought to fruition the culmination of hundreds of hours of discussion and debate, and a physical split that has followed an emotional separation, a transfer of finances and home ownership, a filing for divorce.
In case I'm being too vague. We regret to inform our readers that, Katy and I have split up. Though we will always be a family, she has moved out of our home into a house she has purchased nearby, and we will share custody of Jake and Milo.
It is sad and difficult to explain. We have been and will continue to be as amicable as possible. We will always prioritize the health and happiness of our sons.
And I will attempt to stop writing on these pages using so much "we" and shift to the more appropriate, first person singular voice.
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Sunday, December 01, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
SCOTUS hears Prop 8 and DOMA cases
 |
| People camped out to get a seat to hear the oral arguments before the SCOTUS on Tues and Wed. |
You have to go back at least to the early 1900's when suffragettes fought for and earned the right to vote (a few of them were making sweet whoopy with each other while they got it done). You have to go back to the 50's and 60s and 70's: The eras of "Pinko commie" McCarthyism and the sexual revolution and long-haired-hippy anarchy.
You'd have to go back to the 80's: when gay men were dying all over the place. HIV and AIDS decimated the community and then parents and relatives (many of whom had rejected their gay sons) would come in and take possessions and property that was left behind. Such emotional and devastating circumstances of course had been a regular part of the lives of gay and lesbian couples in every time and century. But the magnitude of the AIDS crisis and the way it required a community to mobilize into activism to literally stay alive and protect each other at the last moments of life changed something in the collective psyche of LGBT Americans.
That was the real beginning of marriage equality in my mind... Because as most married people will tell you, you don't need marriage benefits to get to feel the passion or the love, for the joy of the dance, to experience the fineness of wine or the deliciousness of cake. You don't need marriage, for the age of Aquarius... You need it for what happens after happily ever after.
You need marriage for when your lover has died in your arms after a year of declining health that culminated with him shitting his insides out in the bed you used to have carefree sex in; and his parents want to know when you will be moving out.
You need marriage when they prohibit the only people who know and love you from visiting your ICU room.
You need marriage for when they try to deport the woman you love.
You need marriage for when some bullshit happens one day and two skyscrapers crumble to the ground and your kid's other dad (the one who brought home the bacon) disappears in a cloud of filthy dust.
You need marriage for when someone becomes disabled, or slips a disc, or gets cancer or the gay plague.
Marriage is what allows you access to 1138 federal rights, benefits, and protections. (And I'm not even including the stupid, helpful ones like getting a "family membership rate" at a gym or health club.)
Someone once told me, "Marriage is not so much about who you want to be with for the rest of your life, but who you don't want to be without..."
When Katy and I first met in the fall of 1999, the state of Vermont was 3 months away from allowing same sex couples to enter into a Marriage-like contract called a civil union. So, even for us- the lucky ones- the ones that never doubted our self-worth and never experienced rejection by our family or friends- when we met, the idea that we might get married and/or be a (legal) family, that was a construct that did not exist. That was something we would have to "fake" and/or "make up".
On May 17, 2004 (Four months and 1 day before we had a non-legal church wedding with 150 guests) the commonwealth of MA started allowing couples of the same gender to marry.
It wasn't a "civil union" like Vermont had made famous. It was the actual, M-F'ing thing!!!
Except there was a problem... in 1991 (before I even knew I was gay) 3 same sex Hawaiian couples sued the dept of public health to be allowed to marry. The case went all the way to the state's supreme court who ruled in favor of the plaintiffs- it ruled that the prohibition of gay marriage was unconstitutional. And all manner of backlash followed. Hawaii changed it's constitution to prevent marriage equality. And the federal government passed a law that essentially said, "If a state passes a law allowing gays to get married, the federal government will NOT recognize those marriages."
The ironically named "Defense of Marriage Act" (DOMA) had 117 co-sponsors and only 81 "no" votes out of 508 votes cast in the house and senate. Bill Clinton signed without hesitation. That is to say this was about as bipartisan a bill as we get to see these days...
Hindsight is 20/20. I don't know how long people thought it would take for
1) A state to legalize same sex marriage and
2) For a legal challenge to DOMA to reach the SCOTUS, but that day is here (16 years, 6 months and 5 days later).
The remarkable thing, though, is not the 16-250 years it took to get us here. The remarkable thing is what has happened in the last 4- 6 months. You should know, as someone who's life will be directly impacted by what the Supreme court decides related to prop 8 and DOMA, I was nervous when they announced last fall they would be hearing the case this year. I just thought, "It might be too soon."
History will be on our side, but if SCOTUS rules that prop 8 should stand or that DOMA is constitutional, it will be a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time to undo that nonsense. In November, the voters of four different states voted either to enact marriage equality or to defeat a prohibition of it... That had NEVER happened before in the US. Though several states had legalized same sex marriage, they did it either through the courts or through the legislatures. Before the 2012 election, voters had been asked to vote on same sex marriage 30 times in 30 states and NOT ONE TIME until last November did the majority vote for marriage equality. There are many who think that equal rights should not be put to a popular vote (include me in those numbers) BUT it is significant (understatement) that support for marriage equality is starting to become the majority opinion...
My wife and I got married in 2004 (non-legal, non binding church wedding).
We got a civil union, the first day we were legally able October 1, 2005.
And 5 years later, marriage equality was enacted in CT. At that point our civil union passively converted into a (ta-da!) marriage.
10 states have enacted marriage equality since 2004 (CT, DC, IA, MA, MD, ME, NH, NY, VT, WA).
The sitting president of the United States has come out in favor of marriage equality; and the Democratic National Party added marriage equality to it's platform. And literally in the last month, the scales have tipped and public opinion polls are showing for the first time, a MAJORITY of Americans believe that SS couples should be treated equal under the law.
And tomorrow... the SCOTUS hears oral arguments. People have been waiting in line since Thursday morning to get a seat. Families like ours are crossing our hearts, holding our breaths and whispering prayers (while still trying to take care of our homes and our kids, like everyone else that doesn't have to consider their legal standing as a family on a daily basis.)
At issue:
1) The Prop 8 case - Is is legal to vote on civil right as related to marriage equality? if not, does that apply to only the California case? or does it apply to all states that have put these rights to a vote via ballot measure?
2) The DOMA challenge - Is DOMA constitutional? Shouldn't federal and state governments have to treat all married couples equally? Specifically, should the federal govt have penalized 83 year old Edith Windsor $360,000 in estate/inheritance tax when her wife, Thea died. (if Thea was her husband, that tax would not have been levied). If DOMA is unconstitutional, does that apply only to the federal government? or do states that have their own DOMA laws also have to rectify the problem?
[A handy schematic]
I'm known to get a little fired up about marriage equality...
You should see what we have to do to get our taxes done (and by "WE" i mean "Katy").
- We have to prepare a federal joint tax return so that we can use that to file a joint state tax return.
- Then we have to prepare a "married filing jointly" state tax return.
- Then we have to imagine how our finances would look if we were not a couple, not a family and create a "fake" financial picture to complete our TWO "actual" federal "single" tax return filings.
So, yeah, I'm "excited" and fired up that this might be the last time we have to do "that" (and by that I mean LIE ON A FEDERAL FORM AND SAY I AM SINGLE, MOM, HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD WHO IS LIVING WITH [BUT NOT MARRIED TO] ANOTHER SINGLE, UNWED MOM...
WHEN I AM ACTUALLY A MARRIED WOMAN LIVING WITH MY WIFE AND OUR CHILDREN...)
But the surprising thing is, I'm really quite emotional about it. (Read: Choked up)
I'm really quite hopeful (and only a little scared) that this court will support our rights as a couple and a family and parents. It's hard to describe and explain because I swear to you I know in my heart that I am every bit as worthy as any other citizen, but after a good long ten years of the public debate of whether or not you have the right to exist as a family, it does get tired and hurtful and if this could possibly be the END of that??? I'd just be happy to consume myself with other, more mundane things.
In the last 10 years, the haters have had a lot of opportunity to gloat.
The courts keep ruling against them, but trust me when I tell you this is nerve-wracking. The cases will be made tomorrow and Wednesday; the decisions won't come down before June. But tomorrow, we will be figuratively standing there, forcing them to look us in the eyes and say it...
Go ahead, say it...
Are we equal? Or are we 2nd class?
Are we still too "yucky" to get access to Cobra and Social security and Military survivor-ship benefits?
Will we have to wait another 16 to 20 years carefully explaining to our kids some convoluted version of the truth- that it's okay to trust and serve a society and a government that allows discrimination and bullying to be enshrined into state constitutions and federal regulations?
Or will it somehow (as if by magic) be decreed that we can move on to other fights, other debates.
That equal is equal.
That our relationships are worthy of that legal acknowledgment that comes only with "marriage"?
Hold your breath, this is going to be one of the big ones...
Monday, March 11, 2013
Keeping me on my game
The other day, I'm buckling Jake into the car seat (seriously, every other kindergartner we know can buckle themselves in) and he holds up his hands in a full shrug:
"So, what's a 'Husband' anyway?"
I can't help feeling like I'm walking into a trap. I know he knows what a "husband" is, after all.
I think he's pretty much asking me why we don't have one, but I don't want to over-blow it.
I take a deep breath, knowing I have 15 seconds to figure out how to play this and I lead with my inner goof-ball.
"You KNOW what a HUSBAND is?!?" I say in my best, exaggerated, game-show host voice.
"No," he says with a convincing earnestness.
"A husband," I say matter of factly, "Is a man who is married. If a man is married, he's a husband. If a woman is married, she's a wife."
Jake contemplates his fingernails, while I continue, "When a man and a women get married, they are a husband and a wife." I employ a sillier voice at this point, "HUSBANDS and wives. Husbands AND wives. Husbands and WIVES... But SOMETIMES, there's a..." I pause for dramatic effect "WIFE and a WIFE..."
"Like in our house!" We say it in unison and he smiles.
I let it hang in the air like a "Ta-Da!!!"
"And SOMETIMES," my voice is full of drama and mischief, "There is a HUSBAND and a HUSBAND... But USUALLY..." I borrow the cadence of that dog food commercial from the 80's. "Usually... it's husbands and wives, husbands and wives, husbands and wives." (Kibbles and bits, Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits).
Jake all but yawns. "Yeah," he says completely unimpressed with the theatrics, "I guess you just have to decide who you love..."
(sigh.)
Yeah...
"So, what's a 'Husband' anyway?"
I can't help feeling like I'm walking into a trap. I know he knows what a "husband" is, after all.
I think he's pretty much asking me why we don't have one, but I don't want to over-blow it.
I take a deep breath, knowing I have 15 seconds to figure out how to play this and I lead with my inner goof-ball.
"You KNOW what a HUSBAND is?!?" I say in my best, exaggerated, game-show host voice.
"No," he says with a convincing earnestness.
"A husband," I say matter of factly, "Is a man who is married. If a man is married, he's a husband. If a woman is married, she's a wife."
Jake contemplates his fingernails, while I continue, "When a man and a women get married, they are a husband and a wife." I employ a sillier voice at this point, "HUSBANDS and wives. Husbands AND wives. Husbands and WIVES... But SOMETIMES, there's a..." I pause for dramatic effect "WIFE and a WIFE..."
"Like in our house!" We say it in unison and he smiles.
I let it hang in the air like a "Ta-Da!!!"
"And SOMETIMES," my voice is full of drama and mischief, "There is a HUSBAND and a HUSBAND... But USUALLY..." I borrow the cadence of that dog food commercial from the 80's. "Usually... it's husbands and wives, husbands and wives, husbands and wives." (Kibbles and bits, Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits).
Jake all but yawns. "Yeah," he says completely unimpressed with the theatrics, "I guess you just have to decide who you love..."
(sigh.)
Yeah...
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
How to honor the dead
I've been following this blog. WARNING! DO NOT CLICK LINK if you are not in the right frame of mind to read about a five year old with Cancer. Ty Louis Campbell was born 6 days after our Jake was born. He lived in another state. We've never met him, and I've only been reading his family's blog for less than 2 weeks. He's been sick with a brain tumor for 2 years. His family nicknamed him "Super Ty". And today, he died.
October 17th...
Fifteen years ago today, one of my kindred spirits died. We were 24 years old when John died. I've known and loved him since my senior year in HS; and we spent some intense "coming of age" time in those tender "late teenage/ early 20's" years together... He's been dead more than twice as long as I knew him as a living soul, but I'd be a liar if I told you I wasn't all messed up about it today. I think about John every day, but I spent a lot of today beating myself up, and just being sad. It's just fucking sad that he had to STOP while the rest of us had to keep going and fill the place in the garden where he was growing up near us.
Today, I'm 39 and 1/3 years old and the promise of FORTY looms over me like a laughing ogre. I really buy into that stuff about people are only as old as we feel or act; but truth be told-
I'm feeling old.
October 17th usually does that to me. And Stories of kids dying has a similar effect. But it's not just psychological:
My body is creaking... My gray hair is growing in, my abdomen is full and flabby. My memory is showing signs of fragility. I've spent a lot of exhausting effort- keeping survivor's guilt at bay, trying to be sure I did a little more than I might have otherwise in the name of he-who-is-no-longer-with-us. (I'm not sure I've succeeded.)
I spent the early years after John's accident working hard to be sure I did not seal off my heart. And I still do a lot of meditating on settling into and celebrating the hardships and sometimes disappointments associated with "growing up" and aging.
Feeling the weight and simultaneous levity of every birthday is intentional. I will not lie about my age. I will not regret this ticking off of the years. "I've earned these gray hairs," I like to quip. And "Not everyone gets to be this age," I repeat at least annually.
John B. Klimaszewski was about as brimming with life as a body could be. He was about as energetic and full of possibility as any of us has a chance of being. He was completely human, prone to making mistakes of all sizes. But with a smile and compassion and generous spirit that makes you want to whimper about only the good dying young. To be fair, alcohol seems to also play a role in many pre-mature deaths. But I digress... I use his full name here because he died in 1997, before Facebook, before Google, before the internet was useful or organized.
If you die when you're a child, or even a young man- how can all that potential be lost??? What happens to it? What happens to all that people wished for you?!?
If you die before Facebook or Twitter, or even Google existed, did you exist at all? Where is the public record. Newspapers and stacks of town hall documents are not being transferred to the internet, they are crumbling apart in soon to be extinct metal filing cabinets.
There is the philosophical and there is the emotional.
My heart has broken right open for Super Ty, for his parents and brother... Their story has effected me profoundly. What will they do now? How will they handle their grief? Will they be okay? My heart still aches for John. All these years later- what I wouldn't give to be retweeting his hilarious tweets and harassing him via text right now... Comparing notes and stories about our children.
I've been shy about putting posts up about John on this blog- not because there's a huge volume of things I want to write about him, necessarily, but because it somehow doesn't seem to be "MY" story to tell anymore. My story contains a different cast of characters. And I'm not sure whose permission to ask to keep telling John's story (or at least the part of his story that I am privy to).
But I guess at this late stage in the game, I'm happy to have that conversation/debate if someone comes out of the woodwork and says I can't talk about him. I am desperate for stories about him to be told. No matter what you believe related to an after life, it seems to me that you can only exist here- in the world- if there is a shared understanding of you- If you stay alive in the memories of others. If the stories about you are told.
I went into my basement... to look for pictures... of him... And found the most amazing thing- a love letter from my wife. It was written just after we had first fallen for each other. Her love: sweet and exuberant and described to me in generous, flowery, metaphorical detail; in her own lovely handwriting.
- Way before we imagined how children would enrich our life and exhaust us and deepen our love for each other.
- Way before we could comprehend the hard work required of us by marriage.
- Way before we learned to rely on each other's strengths and encouragement.
I think it's okay to spend a bit of time wallowing in grief as long as you try not to get lost in it. I think the most important thing we can do for our dead is to acknowledge them, bring them with us, (sometimes slap their pictures up on the internet and tell a few stories about them) while we carrythefuckon...
RIP Super Ty
RIP Johnny K
I love you Jake and Milo.
I love you, Katy
October 17th...
Fifteen years ago today, one of my kindred spirits died. We were 24 years old when John died. I've known and loved him since my senior year in HS; and we spent some intense "coming of age" time in those tender "late teenage/ early 20's" years together... He's been dead more than twice as long as I knew him as a living soul, but I'd be a liar if I told you I wasn't all messed up about it today. I think about John every day, but I spent a lot of today beating myself up, and just being sad. It's just fucking sad that he had to STOP while the rest of us had to keep going and fill the place in the garden where he was growing up near us.
Today, I'm 39 and 1/3 years old and the promise of FORTY looms over me like a laughing ogre. I really buy into that stuff about people are only as old as we feel or act; but truth be told-
I'm feeling old.
October 17th usually does that to me. And Stories of kids dying has a similar effect. But it's not just psychological:
My body is creaking... My gray hair is growing in, my abdomen is full and flabby. My memory is showing signs of fragility. I've spent a lot of exhausting effort- keeping survivor's guilt at bay, trying to be sure I did a little more than I might have otherwise in the name of he-who-is-no-longer-with-us. (I'm not sure I've succeeded.)
I spent the early years after John's accident working hard to be sure I did not seal off my heart. And I still do a lot of meditating on settling into and celebrating the hardships and sometimes disappointments associated with "growing up" and aging.
Feeling the weight and simultaneous levity of every birthday is intentional. I will not lie about my age. I will not regret this ticking off of the years. "I've earned these gray hairs," I like to quip. And "Not everyone gets to be this age," I repeat at least annually.
John B. Klimaszewski was about as brimming with life as a body could be. He was about as energetic and full of possibility as any of us has a chance of being. He was completely human, prone to making mistakes of all sizes. But with a smile and compassion and generous spirit that makes you want to whimper about only the good dying young. To be fair, alcohol seems to also play a role in many pre-mature deaths. But I digress... I use his full name here because he died in 1997, before Facebook, before Google, before the internet was useful or organized.
If you die when you're a child, or even a young man- how can all that potential be lost??? What happens to it? What happens to all that people wished for you?!?
If you die before Facebook or Twitter, or even Google existed, did you exist at all? Where is the public record. Newspapers and stacks of town hall documents are not being transferred to the internet, they are crumbling apart in soon to be extinct metal filing cabinets.
There is the philosophical and there is the emotional.
My heart has broken right open for Super Ty, for his parents and brother... Their story has effected me profoundly. What will they do now? How will they handle their grief? Will they be okay? My heart still aches for John. All these years later- what I wouldn't give to be retweeting his hilarious tweets and harassing him via text right now... Comparing notes and stories about our children.
I've been shy about putting posts up about John on this blog- not because there's a huge volume of things I want to write about him, necessarily, but because it somehow doesn't seem to be "MY" story to tell anymore. My story contains a different cast of characters. And I'm not sure whose permission to ask to keep telling John's story (or at least the part of his story that I am privy to).
But I guess at this late stage in the game, I'm happy to have that conversation/debate if someone comes out of the woodwork and says I can't talk about him. I am desperate for stories about him to be told. No matter what you believe related to an after life, it seems to me that you can only exist here- in the world- if there is a shared understanding of you- If you stay alive in the memories of others. If the stories about you are told.
I went into my basement... to look for pictures... of him... And found the most amazing thing- a love letter from my wife. It was written just after we had first fallen for each other. Her love: sweet and exuberant and described to me in generous, flowery, metaphorical detail; in her own lovely handwriting.
- Way before we imagined how children would enrich our life and exhaust us and deepen our love for each other.
- Way before we could comprehend the hard work required of us by marriage.
- Way before we learned to rely on each other's strengths and encouragement.
I think it's okay to spend a bit of time wallowing in grief as long as you try not to get lost in it. I think the most important thing we can do for our dead is to acknowledge them, bring them with us, (sometimes slap their pictures up on the internet and tell a few stories about them) while we carrythefuckon...
RIP Super Ty
RIP Johnny K
I love you Jake and Milo.
I love you, Katy
Sunday, May 13, 2012
The week in review
In the last 7 days, Obama freed the gays*, North Carolina outlawed them, we've celebrated/endured nurses' week, mother's day, and gone through a 12 pack of ginger-ale**. In the last seven days, the boys have worn their raincoats, their winter coats, and their bathing suits- so swings the weather in these parts at this time of the year...
The Ta-bar pool opened today at a crisp, cool 76 degrees. (We all went in but Katy). And I predict both these boys will be swimming without "swimmies" by the end of the summer (Mac and Cam are already there). Softball starts tomorrow. I have a lot to write about, but I'm so very sleepy.
The new job is absurd. Good, but a little like being a lost kid at a big fair... Except, I'm not a kid, and I have a map, but they change the fair grounds every night... and there are a lot of emails... And I keep staying awake every night wondering if I should suggest to my bosses that maybe they should keep the fair grounds looking like the map they hand out. Also, I find myself wanting to shout a lot, "THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES ON!"
*OBAMA did not actually free the gays, but he did publicly state is personal support for marriage equality which as Joe Biden would say, "...is a big fucking deal."
**Jake was vomiting last weekend and I spent Friday night wondering how my body could eject the contents of my stomach with such force that jet engine blasters seem comparatively ineffectual and weak.
The Ta-bar pool opened today at a crisp, cool 76 degrees. (We all went in but Katy). And I predict both these boys will be swimming without "swimmies" by the end of the summer (Mac and Cam are already there). Softball starts tomorrow. I have a lot to write about, but I'm so very sleepy.
The new job is absurd. Good, but a little like being a lost kid at a big fair... Except, I'm not a kid, and I have a map, but they change the fair grounds every night... and there are a lot of emails... And I keep staying awake every night wondering if I should suggest to my bosses that maybe they should keep the fair grounds looking like the map they hand out. Also, I find myself wanting to shout a lot, "THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES ON!"
*OBAMA did not actually free the gays, but he did publicly state is personal support for marriage equality which as Joe Biden would say, "...is a big fucking deal."
**Jake was vomiting last weekend and I spent Friday night wondering how my body could eject the contents of my stomach with such force that jet engine blasters seem comparatively ineffectual and weak.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
This guy wants to be your next president...
Even though it sounds as if there are only about 13 people in the crowd, this guy has a lot of nerve...
Got that? OUR marriage (Katy's and mine) "Turns religious liberty on it's head... turns the education system on it's head... and undermines every basic traditional value... for no legitimate purpose".
[Um, excuse me, sir (tap-tap on the shoulder)... the psycho-social and economic safety of our family and especially our children is a legitimate purpose.]
In allowing us to marry, apparently our state passed a law that is "in-amicable to a just and fair society" and to the "basic values" that are "necessary to the survival of the United States."
[Exaggerate much,Dick?!? Excuse me, Rick?!?]
"What NY did was wrong, I will oppose it. I will go to NY and if necessary help overturn it."
[Good luck with that, buddy and good luck with your political career, Mr. Santorum]
Got that? OUR marriage (Katy's and mine) "Turns religious liberty on it's head... turns the education system on it's head... and undermines every basic traditional value... for no legitimate purpose".
[Um, excuse me, sir (tap-tap on the shoulder)... the psycho-social and economic safety of our family and especially our children is a legitimate purpose.]
In allowing us to marry, apparently our state passed a law that is "in-amicable to a just and fair society" and to the "basic values" that are "necessary to the survival of the United States."
[Exaggerate much,
"What NY did was wrong, I will oppose it. I will go to NY and if necessary help overturn it."
[Good luck with that, buddy and good luck with your political career, Mr. Santorum]
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I HEART NY
After about 2 years of ballyhoo and political drama, the NY state senate voted in favor of marriage equality. The house had already passed it and the governor has been pushing for the legislation. Cue fireworks.
Just in time for NY pride (Saturday) and the 42nd anniversary of the Stonewall riots (Monday).
For a state that most of the nation regards as mindless in it's progressive flaunting of liberal ideology... There were a lot of people dead set against letting this pass. When you think of NY, you think, "If gays can't marry there... where they hell CAN they get married?!?" But it has been years that this statute has been un-passable and 5 other states plus the District of Columbia beat NY to the punch.
The thing is, NY is the 3rd most populous state in the union. This is a big deal in terms of access to marriage protections for same sex couples.
Inspired by this hilarious nonsense, I created the following graphs to highlight for GSO readers, the trend in the US related to marriage equality and also the numerical significance of this law passing in NY.
In basically 10 years, we went from ZERO access to marriage equality or civil unions to SOME access...
There are over 307,000,000 currently living in the United States. Yesterday, roughly 5 percent of them lived in states that had equal access to marriage for gays and lesbians.
Today, more than 11% of the country's population lives in states that have marriage equality!!!
ONE MORE:
Just in time for NY pride (Saturday) and the 42nd anniversary of the Stonewall riots (Monday).
For a state that most of the nation regards as mindless in it's progressive flaunting of liberal ideology... There were a lot of people dead set against letting this pass. When you think of NY, you think, "If gays can't marry there... where they hell CAN they get married?!?" But it has been years that this statute has been un-passable and 5 other states plus the District of Columbia beat NY to the punch.
The thing is, NY is the 3rd most populous state in the union. This is a big deal in terms of access to marriage protections for same sex couples.
Inspired by this hilarious nonsense, I created the following graphs to highlight for GSO readers, the trend in the US related to marriage equality and also the numerical significance of this law passing in NY.
In basically 10 years, we went from ZERO access to marriage equality or civil unions to SOME access...
There are over 307,000,000 currently living in the United States. Yesterday, roughly 5 percent of them lived in states that had equal access to marriage for gays and lesbians.
Today, more than 11% of the country's population lives in states that have marriage equality!!!
ONE MORE:
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
"We don't expect anyone to solve our problems for us...
We'll fight our own battles..."
Hopefully, there will never be a reason for one of our sons to give an address like this one:
Pretty impressive teen, this Zach Whals!
Later that day, the Iowa state house voted to pass a constitutional ammendment banning same sex marriage.
Sad.
Hopefully, there will never be a reason for one of our sons to give an address like this one:
Pretty impressive teen, this Zach Whals!
Later that day, the Iowa state house voted to pass a constitutional ammendment banning same sex marriage.
Sad.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tiny piles of pebbles
We have some seriously cute kids.
Since I posted last about the snotty noses, I took the ruggies to the doctor. We just didn't feel comfortable with how long the kids have been coughing and the low grade fever that JB seemed to have (even in 80 degree pre-summer weather).
Long story short: JB's left ear tube (that was just placed in jan) is definitely OUT of the ear drum, resting uselessly in the Eustachian tube. And that ear is infected. Furthermore, ML's ears (BOTH OF THEM) are infected... didn't really see that coming.
Just to put it in perspective for you, ML had a double ear infection brewing the week he learned to crawl, pull himself to standing, wave, clap, and eat egg yolk for the first time. This kid is the happiest baby on the planet. His smile just lights up the joint. And man is he on the move. We don't ever remember JB going this fast at things...
For JB's part, he has been exceedingly whiny, crying at the drop of a hat and a little on the pissed off side. He yelled at the chair yesterday because he ran into it:
JB: NO, CHAIR! BAD! YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
KT: We do not yell at things. And when we make a mistake, we do not blame or take it out on someone or something else. And we do not call anyone 'Bad'.
JB: (throws himself on the floor in a sweaty, snotty puddle)
The thing is, he is so transparent. They rave about him at the new school. How good he is, how polite he is; how well-mannered and helpful... I ask them about the amount of whining, they look at me like I am crazy. I get that he does this at home with us b/c he is safe here and because he needs to try to feel in control of something, but it is amazing how different he is with us compared to other people. It is likely that this is just what we need to put up with for right now (and don't forget, he is on antibiotics AND has an ear infection) but it does make me wonder if we are doing something wrong- are being too hard on him somehow, or too lenient...
But when the little animal inside him settles, he is just so wonderful in his questioning of the world, his sensitivity, his intellect.
He has a teddy bear that he traded in "Teddybear" for... Remember? "Teddybear" was a soft brown bear that he was addicted to... then he found the soft white bear that was given to ML by the same friends that gave JB Teddybear. Since ML can't have a sleeping partner for a while, we let JB adopt the white bear. "What do you want to call him, JB?" I asked
"Bear-y." He replied. "White... Bear-y White."
(You can see the imagination this kid has for names)
Katy and I laughed. So now, we have Teddybear and Barry White. And it's true, JB cannot get enough of this bear's love. He falls asleep dragging these soft paws all over his face and belly and arms. If he's feeling particularly cuddly with you, he will turn your hand over and rub Barry's paw on yours. It is as generous an offering as the last spoonful of an ice cream cake. This week he told me, "i have a secret i wanna tell you." and when I lent him my ear he whispered,
"I love my Barry White."
This is just one example of his sweet, quirky ways. Some others:
If I seem a little quiet, he might look over at me and say, "Mommy, wanna tic tac?"
He'll remind us on the way out of the house not to forget our sunglasses or to put on sunscreen.
When ML is crying he touches brother's head and says, "It's okay, ML" or the other day he told us, "I'll get my guitar and my pick and play him a song."
He likes to collect little things. I keep finding piles of tiny rocks around: There's one in the garage, one on the front porch, one in the cup holder of his new car seat- 5 or 6 rocks in a line or in an imperfect circle. I just went to wash his coat and found these in one of the pockets:
God help me if throwing shit you think is interesting or cute into your pockets is hereditary.
I am home today, getting ready for our trip, and when I went to put this load of laundry in, I was picking up towels- lots of towels... Before we had kids, katy and I would use like 2 or 3 towels a week, total. But now, I use a new one more frequently instead of reusing- either because one of the boys has needed mine that was hanging up OR b/c they are showering with me or because we had to wipe snot with one and don't want to cross-contaminate us or them... or whatever the reason...
As I'm picking up all these barely used towels to launder, I'm struck by how clean and lotioned and towel dried and buffed and fluffed our kids are. They get cream and sunscreen in the morning. They get a bath every night. They get liquid soap and shampoo and conditioner and a combination of 4 different types of moisturizing ointments. They get their noses wiped with puffs plus and diaper wipes and soft cloths. They get toothpaste and lip balm and they stay soft and gorgeous. Sometimes I want to be all like,
These beautiful children are brought to you by the makers of:
and
and
and
With all the whining and crying and griping, sometimes it is hard not to stare straight ahead from 5-9 pm in an exhausted state and wait for this "period of our lives" to be over... But I don't want to forget what is going on right now. We are pouring all the love we have out onto these little ones.
Even when they kick us and cry and scream, and take their frustrations out on us (and the furniture); even when as mommies, we aren't always evolved enough to avoid taking our frustrations out on each other, I don't want to forget the way we are rubbing our love and intentions onto them. And the way we are washing tears away with soft cotton and kisses and hugs. When you use your hands to do this, it soaks into your flesh too.
Katy and I do it instinctively, but purposefully- we care for them in this very physical way every day (wipe and clean their faces and bodies and work to keep their skin healthy and intact). We do this sometimes in a sleepwalking state, sometimes out of habit, but often as if it is the most important thing we will ever do.
Because it kind of is.
And it comes back to us in totally random ways- like piles of rocks carefully selected and left as if a work of art. In the report from the teachers that every day at school, JB asks for a napkin at lunch time and then other kids follow in his footsteps and do the same. In the way ML spends his first double ear infection jungle-gym climbing the furniture and laughing at his brother...
We are lucky lucky mommies!
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Shout out to my Nightingale...
Last Friday was Nurse's Day."Nurse's week" started sometime either last Wednesday or last Monday.
If you google this holiday, you will see some discrepancies and inconsistencies about the dates... I digress...
For most of my life as a nurse, i really viewed this as a hallmark holiday:
Thanks for the shout-out, Hallmark, no matter how much money you make on cards this year, you can't possibly know about being a nurse and therefore, not really honor it.When I was a teen? pre-tween? I'm not sure when this show was on... I was addicted to China Beach. Looking back, I had a serious crush on Lt. Colleen McMurphy:
Yum:
Mee: 
There I go digressing again... Anyway... Sometimes I credited this show to making me want to be a nurse, I didn't want to go to war, but i could really relate to this character- Irish, catholic, who wanted to DO something that mattered, but then in the middle of it was like, "What the hell am I doing?!?"
I think i was surprised when I worked in the ICU (years later) how much it could feel like you were living through a war even though you were in a civilian hospital during "peace" time. The woman and men that I nursed with in the ICU were amazing: smart, sassy, with the quickest wit and the crass-est, sickest senses of humor you can imagine. You've got to have a strong stomach and a lot of patience for shit (of the literal and bull variety.) And they did. And they laughed and cried and picked people and pools of blood up off the floor. And we ordered Chinese take out in the middle of cardiac codes, and helped families accept the death of their loved ones, and talked and taught and fought the doctors to get them to HEAR what the patients were saying.
I wear that experience like a badge of honor on my soul. But even so, it never made me view nurses day outside of the scope of cynicism. (see made up sassy bark to Hallmark corp above...)
Then this year... when I'm so far removed from clinical care of patients that I've started to call myself a "fake" nurse, Katy wins a Nightingale Award. This is a statewide recognition of nursing excellence. And sitting next to her at the ceremony, something changes a little in me. A little of the cynicism melts away. It is more than being proud of her and thrilled that she was recognized for all the amazing work she does and has done. (Though I am and I was). It had a lot to do with what happened last October and Last January, and Last September...
A nurse was there kind of saving and protecting us when ML gushed into the world.
A nurse was there in my most terrified moments, when I wouldn't even let myself think my worst fear about his illness and fevers and seizures three weeks later.
A nurse was up all night with us when his fever wouldn't come down.
A nurse was there to help get him help when he was having seizures.
Nurses were there, talking to and teaching and sometimes fighting the doctors on our behalf.
A nurse was there during all the LPs, during the MRI, during the EEG.
... During the nights, the early mornings, and the long afternoons.
A nurse was there to help us get some rest and to help us ask the right questions.
To help us calm down a little at certain points and and to get us riled up a little at others.
Then a few months later for JB's surgery... more nurses.
Many of them nameless to me now.
Keeping us sane...
It's different when it's your kid, I guess- those cliches about angels seem somehow less "cliche-y"
There's not a greeting card out there that can convey what those nurses did for us, but now there IS a part of me that has the inclination to buy a few and TRY to convey it...
But then, here we are on Mother's day. And as I write this, my pretty Nightingale Award winner is sleeping upstairs in our bed. She's an amazing mother. Tonight, she got JB to turn off a "Terrible 2" tantrum by suggesting that he could take his "bad attitude" and decide (IF HE WANTED TO) to put that bad attitude in his hand and throw it away and choose to be in a better mood. (I swear this is true.) And what do you think that little
blink.
blink.
blink.
Thank God I'm on this journey with such an insanely talented and smart woman. I just love her and hope she knows how much! Cause I didn't get to sign the card I bought for her today...
Happy nurses week and mother's day, baby.
As part of my gift to you, I am going to (be extremely quiet as I come) crawl into bed next to you to sleep this day off!
All my love, Me
xoxo
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
6 Things you may want to know
1) ML turned 6 months this week (and the newsletter is no where near done)
2) My car's "check engine light" mysteriously went OFF this week (after months of being lit, but ignored; I guess it just gave up on trying to get my attention)
3) Today on a walk, JB saw a brown vine that was either growing up or dying around a mailbox, and he said to me, "Why is that so mulch-y". (Mulch is his frenemy since last fall when the new mulch on the playground at school would get stuck in his soft, orange jacket from Aunt Marilyn and we eventually had to stop letting him wear it so that we didn't have to spend 2 hours a night picking pieces of mulch out of it.)
4) We've been sleep training ML- I sent Kt and JB out of the house so I could spend 3 nights alone with my boy- like a warrior in the woods- teaching him not to freak out when he wakes up and cannot comprehend why there is no binki in his mouth; teaching him to soothe himself, unwind, and get to sleep without a long, faceless, parental arm reaching out into the darkness and popping a binki magically back into his mouth.
These are the rules:
a) we can't put the binki in his mouth
b) we CAN put the binki in his hand (though we try to let him find one of the 1/2 dozen we've sprinkled all around his crib)
c) we are trying the Baby Whisperer's "pick up, put down" method (PU/PD)
d) we only use PU/PD if he cries for more than 30 seconds (yes, I do mean use a stopwatch...)
So far, so good. He's a terrific little dude, but his mommies are a little scarred by that night he cried for 8 hours and then needed to be hospitalized for a week. We've been careless about teaching him to self soothe and too quick to run into his room when he makes tiny little noises.
5) Today the outside thermometer on my car read 67 degrees F on my way home from work. (Yummmm-MEeeee)
6) Our 2010 census arrived today. I plan to follow katy's advice and, "Make us as gay as humanly possible." We will fill out the census as a married same sex couple with two kids. "Person 1" is female and married to "person 2" who is also female. "Person 1" has a biological kid and an adopted kid... (so does person 2). This is confusing because even though only one of these kids is "biologically" mine, I conceived OF both of them. I was involved in every decision and every aspect of planning, conception, and birth... So part of me wants to say they are both biologically mine, but fine... we will leave it at the literal answer.
However...
When the federal government gets our census, they will change the answers. They will change the truth to something that is less like the truth and more like what some people want the truth to be. They will say we are not married; even though we are legally able to wed in this state. They will say we are single. We will tell the truth on the US census: That we choose to live in a state where we can legally be married... We will tell the truth and they will change our answers. According to the federal government, there have never been same sex couples. There have never been and still in 2010 ARE NOT ANY gay or lesbian parents. There are no families with two women raising kids. There are no families with two men raising kids. There are no children with 2 moms or 2 dads.
The federal census is a constitutionally mandated count, every 10 years, of the citizens of the united states for the purposes of maintaining an accurate or numerically reasonable representative democracy... Though the primary (constitutional) purpose of the census is to determine congressional representation, the census is used for a lot of other demographic calculations in explaining the make up of the population of the United States.
Only if the census is accurate, do people get the right number of representatives. You must be counted to count... But here we are in the United States of America in 2010, and Katy and I will be counted as 2 separate, unwed mothers who live together. This is the last census (I would bet my life on it) that the government will be allowed to change our truthful answers to fictitious answers just because we are gay. But I will be in my 40s and my children will be 10 and 12 years old before their family is allowed to count; before our descriptions of ourselves are allowed to stand, without the government stepping in and saying, "From our legal standpoint, There is no such thing as you."
2) My car's "check engine light" mysteriously went OFF this week (after months of being lit, but ignored; I guess it just gave up on trying to get my attention)
3) Today on a walk, JB saw a brown vine that was either growing up or dying around a mailbox, and he said to me, "Why is that so mulch-y". (Mulch is his frenemy since last fall when the new mulch on the playground at school would get stuck in his soft, orange jacket from Aunt Marilyn and we eventually had to stop letting him wear it so that we didn't have to spend 2 hours a night picking pieces of mulch out of it.)
4) We've been sleep training ML- I sent Kt and JB out of the house so I could spend 3 nights alone with my boy- like a warrior in the woods- teaching him not to freak out when he wakes up and cannot comprehend why there is no binki in his mouth; teaching him to soothe himself, unwind, and get to sleep without a long, faceless, parental arm reaching out into the darkness and popping a binki magically back into his mouth.
These are the rules:
a) we can't put the binki in his mouth
b) we CAN put the binki in his hand (though we try to let him find one of the 1/2 dozen we've sprinkled all around his crib)
c) we are trying the Baby Whisperer's "pick up, put down" method (PU/PD)
d) we only use PU/PD if he cries for more than 30 seconds (yes, I do mean use a stopwatch...)
So far, so good. He's a terrific little dude, but his mommies are a little scarred by that night he cried for 8 hours and then needed to be hospitalized for a week. We've been careless about teaching him to self soothe and too quick to run into his room when he makes tiny little noises.
5) Today the outside thermometer on my car read 67 degrees F on my way home from work. (Yummmm-MEeeee)
6) Our 2010 census arrived today. I plan to follow katy's advice and, "Make us as gay as humanly possible." We will fill out the census as a married same sex couple with two kids. "Person 1" is female and married to "person 2" who is also female. "Person 1" has a biological kid and an adopted kid... (so does person 2). This is confusing because even though only one of these kids is "biologically" mine, I conceived OF both of them. I was involved in every decision and every aspect of planning, conception, and birth... So part of me wants to say they are both biologically mine, but fine... we will leave it at the literal answer.
However...
When the federal government gets our census, they will change the answers. They will change the truth to something that is less like the truth and more like what some people want the truth to be. They will say we are not married; even though we are legally able to wed in this state. They will say we are single. We will tell the truth on the US census: That we choose to live in a state where we can legally be married... We will tell the truth and they will change our answers. According to the federal government, there have never been same sex couples. There have never been and still in 2010 ARE NOT ANY gay or lesbian parents. There are no families with two women raising kids. There are no families with two men raising kids. There are no children with 2 moms or 2 dads.
The federal census is a constitutionally mandated count, every 10 years, of the citizens of the united states for the purposes of maintaining an accurate or numerically reasonable representative democracy... Though the primary (constitutional) purpose of the census is to determine congressional representation, the census is used for a lot of other demographic calculations in explaining the make up of the population of the United States.
Only if the census is accurate, do people get the right number of representatives. You must be counted to count... But here we are in the United States of America in 2010, and Katy and I will be counted as 2 separate, unwed mothers who live together. This is the last census (I would bet my life on it) that the government will be allowed to change our truthful answers to fictitious answers just because we are gay. But I will be in my 40s and my children will be 10 and 12 years old before their family is allowed to count; before our descriptions of ourselves are allowed to stand, without the government stepping in and saying, "From our legal standpoint, There is no such thing as you."
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Some more gays got it
After today, there are 4 states in the union where same sex couples can get legally married. To be clear, same sex couples are getting married in every state of the union, but it is only legally recognized in 4 states: MA, CT, IA, and VT.
Last Friday, the Supreme court in Iowa ruled that limiting marriage to heterosexuals was unconstitutional.
Today, both houses of the Vermont legislature summonsed the 2/3rds majority required to override Republican Governor, Jim Douglas' veto of the bill yesterday. Vermont was the first state to enact civil unions 9 years ago, but the 4th state to provide actual "marriage."
Neither Iowa or Vermont has a residency requirement. Meaning that, anyone can go for the day and get married. They take that piece of paper back to their home state and for the vast majority of gay Americans, their new marriage certificate becomes as valid as a 50% off coupon that expired in December of 2008...
Also today, DC voted unanimously to recognize any marriage (including same sex marriages) performed in another state. Unlike the district, however, the federal government does NOT recognize same sex marriages. So all federal rights and protections for married couples including medical benefits, social security, retirement benefits, etc DO NOT APPLY TO same sex marriages... So much for leaving it up to the states.
This week has been a very good week for gay rights. Not only because of the above mentioned strides, but also because of the relative quiet that has surrounded all of these major changes. But still, look at the map which shows where our family is and is not treated equally under the law:
Last Friday, the Supreme court in Iowa ruled that limiting marriage to heterosexuals was unconstitutional.
Today, both houses of the Vermont legislature summonsed the 2/3rds majority required to override Republican Governor, Jim Douglas' veto of the bill yesterday. Vermont was the first state to enact civil unions 9 years ago, but the 4th state to provide actual "marriage."
Neither Iowa or Vermont has a residency requirement. Meaning that, anyone can go for the day and get married. They take that piece of paper back to their home state and for the vast majority of gay Americans, their new marriage certificate becomes as valid as a 50% off coupon that expired in December of 2008...
Also today, DC voted unanimously to recognize any marriage (including same sex marriages) performed in another state. Unlike the district, however, the federal government does NOT recognize same sex marriages. So all federal rights and protections for married couples including medical benefits, social security, retirement benefits, etc DO NOT APPLY TO same sex marriages... So much for leaving it up to the states.
This week has been a very good week for gay rights. Not only because of the above mentioned strides, but also because of the relative quiet that has surrounded all of these major changes. But still, look at the map which shows where our family is and is not treated equally under the law:
Friday, February 06, 2009
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Sugar for dinner
I chose chocolate for dinner this evening.
It is well known among my family and friends that left to my own devices, nothing more complex than candy and bread would ever provide sustenance for me if it weren't for my family and friends. Tracy has long been in charge of my food. Before that there was a 4 year snafoo (college). And before that my mom was head honcho.
Tonight JB and Tracy went to Nana's to get food and try and flush out an ear (M's, not JB's). So, I came home (bags of healthy groceries in hand mind you) and proceeded to eat chocolate for dinner. I also got stuck watching adorable videos of friends' kids from the West Coast. Needless to say, I haven't quite made it to the protein part of dinner. It's 7pm.
Tracy just called from the road, and for no reason was annoying the hell out of me. She knew it and I knew it but we were tolerating each other just fine. I kept missing what she was saying because there was an overwhelming and loud voice in my head saying GO GET THOSE EXTRA CHOCOLATES.
We hung up and not 2 seconds later the phone rang again. "Honey, what did you have for dinner?"
Ummmm... lie? probably not a good idea. She's like Santa: she KNOWS.
"Chocolate."
"Right. OK. Can you please go eat something else. Perhaps something with protein in it? Or at least, PLEASE, a more complex carbohydrate?"
I was going to, I swear. But then I thought it would be more interesting to post this story. I think maybe the chocolate covered peanuts next. It's protein, right?
It is well known among my family and friends that left to my own devices, nothing more complex than candy and bread would ever provide sustenance for me if it weren't for my family and friends. Tracy has long been in charge of my food. Before that there was a 4 year snafoo (college). And before that my mom was head honcho.
Tonight JB and Tracy went to Nana's to get food and try and flush out an ear (M's, not JB's). So, I came home (bags of healthy groceries in hand mind you) and proceeded to eat chocolate for dinner. I also got stuck watching adorable videos of friends' kids from the West Coast. Needless to say, I haven't quite made it to the protein part of dinner. It's 7pm.
Tracy just called from the road, and for no reason was annoying the hell out of me. She knew it and I knew it but we were tolerating each other just fine. I kept missing what she was saying because there was an overwhelming and loud voice in my head saying GO GET THOSE EXTRA CHOCOLATES.
We hung up and not 2 seconds later the phone rang again. "Honey, what did you have for dinner?"
Ummmm... lie? probably not a good idea. She's like Santa: she KNOWS.
"Chocolate."
"Right. OK. Can you please go eat something else. Perhaps something with protein in it? Or at least, PLEASE, a more complex carbohydrate?"
I was going to, I swear. But then I thought it would be more interesting to post this story. I think maybe the chocolate covered peanuts next. It's protein, right?
Monday, November 03, 2008
Vote, baby, vote!
Twenty-two minutes ago, I told my wife I'd be in bed in no less than 10 minutes.
In case you didn't read the last post, I'm fallin'-apart-tired due to "daylight god-save-us time" but I can't bring myself to go to bed. I'm pouring over electoral maps and listening to Rachel Maddow in the background.
I'm excited and scared.
"Why scared?" you might ask. Well, if you're asking that, you weren't gay in November 2004 and November 2000. I didn't sleep at all election night 2000. Katy went to bed thinking Al Gore was the president elect, but sometime after 11pm, the shit hit the fan. She woke up to find me pale and delirious in front of the TV, my hair plastered to my forehead by sweat. Fast forward 4 years... When we woke up November 3, 2004, we were informed by any pundit that had vocal cords that we had caused it... The gays demanding their rights had forced and inspired the rightwingnuts to flock to the poles and pass 11 constitutional amendments outlawing same sex marriage... While the wingnuts were in the booths voting against the gays, they also felt free to vote for the presidential candidate that "Most represented their values."
Tomorrow we will be voting. So should you. Even if you aren't registered, in most states you can vote for president by provisional ballot. If you live in CT, vote no on question one. I've been accused in the past of voting gay rights to the exclusion of other issues, and just to set the record straight, give me a minute here while I shake off my manic fatigue and put it out there before election day is here.
I was raised in a family that didn't talk about politics much. My mother and father never told me who they were voting for. I appreciate and respect that they did that. That they let me rant and rave about how great I thought the Gipper was, even though they couldn't stand the guy. I've thought of how to temper my political opinions for JB and any future sibs, because I think there is some value in avoiding a parental indoctrination. But I'm not there yet. Tomorrow I'm voting for Barack Obama. Tomorrow, maybe for the first time, I'm voting for someone I feel safe believing in. Tomorrow, I feel I get to vote for intellect and sincerity, and the vote is not about gay rights hardly at all. I'm voting for Barack Obama because I believe...
I believe that when a nation centers it's identity on the theory that all citizens are created equal (and all are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness) setting up and perfecting a re-distributive system of progressive taxation is neither socialist, misguided, or unfair; but it is rational and moral.
I believe that my income, the income that I am able to earn as a free citizen in a country that provides free libraries and free education for all of it's citizens - is taxable.
I believe that my property, the property I am able to purchase with the money I earn through my job, the property that is protected by municipal employees such as police and firefighters, the property that is kept secure by garbage pickups and zoning regulations - is taxable.
I believe that if some member of my family dies and I inherit more than ONE MILLION DOLLARS, some of that should go back to the state to support the infrastructure that helped make my relatives so prosperous.
I believe that most of what I have been given in terms of freedoms and advancements has come from liberal movements that have been maligned and battered by instruments and proponents of propaganda. The political antics of a conservative minority that have somehow, ingeniously whipped up a backlash against labor movements, civil rights advancements, and women's suffrage are insulting to me. I believe that candidates and/or government officials that entice citizens to turn against their neighbors, and vote against their fiscal self interests is not "by," "of," or "for" "the people" at all.
I believe that a free market promotes competition, ingenuity, and healthy trade but that unrestricted or unregulated capitalism promotes greed and corruption that are contradictory to the ideals of a representative democracy.
I believe that there are many, many more people in this country working too hard for too little pay than there are people hardly working, or "living off the rest of us."
I believe it is wrong to care more for a fetus than a living baby. And if you are going to make abortion illegal, than you had better also abolish childhood poverty, and hunger.
I believe it is wrong to care more for a fetus than a living woman. And if you are going to make abortion illegal, than you had better also give women information on birth control, sexual health, and choices in a misogynistic society.
I believe that just like education, health care is a right, not a privilege. It is conceit that we consider ourselves the richest, most civilized people on earth, but it is an embarrassment that our wealth and our civility do not extend to making sure that everyone has access to basic primary, preventative, and emergency care regardless of ability to pay.
I believe that Medicare is without question the most successful and efficient government program in the history of the modern world. I believe those that deny the success and potential good that could come from extending such a program do so either out of ignorance, irrational fear, or mendacity.
I believe the government should not tell us who or how we may worship.
I believe the government should not tell us who or how we may love.
I believe that a gay child or the child of a gay parent is as important to society and as worthy of protection as any other child.
I believe that race is more than a divisive issue in this country and more than something that should be pondered and discussed. Racial prejudice is abhorrent, but it is woven into the fabric of our existence and cannot be untangled without reconstructing who we are. The history of racism and enslavement is the history of all of us. I believe that anyone who pretends that racism does not still affect most of our relationships and power dynamics in this country is delusional. The past cannot be changed, but we have come too far to stay the same. I believe standing together and treating each other with respect matters more than assigning blame. We are all in this together and our leaders should stop trying to pit us against one another. I believe the "divide and conquer" and "attack your opponents' morality/character" strategy has tainted too many elections, and has lowered the level of discourse: "Nana-na-boo-boo, wa-wa-wa!"
I believe that the United States of America has a place on the world stage. I believe that the alleged "last remaining superpower" is of privilege and therefore has responsibilities toward the rest of the world. I believe that the damage done in the last 8 years to our international relationships, credibility, and perceived integrity as a nation is not only a national security concern, but a tremendous waste of our good reputation that has been bought with the blood of American soldiers.
I believe that it is time we had a president that will not mock straight-A students, who speaks intellectually as if education and tact is important.
I believe that this Barack Obama guy is the real deal. A once-in-several-generations type transformational leader. I believe that the message of hope and change is in and of itself important right now.
I believe I am more tired now than I was when I wrote that post about being tired last night...
I am sad about Barack's grandmother dying today. Sad that she did not live to see tomorrow. Sad that even though he may bring it home for her, he doesn't get to bring it home to her.
We'll see what happens tomorrow...
In case you didn't read the last post, I'm fallin'-apart-tired due to "daylight god-save-us time" but I can't bring myself to go to bed. I'm pouring over electoral maps and listening to Rachel Maddow in the background.
I'm excited and scared.
"Why scared?" you might ask. Well, if you're asking that, you weren't gay in November 2004 and November 2000. I didn't sleep at all election night 2000. Katy went to bed thinking Al Gore was the president elect, but sometime after 11pm, the shit hit the fan. She woke up to find me pale and delirious in front of the TV, my hair plastered to my forehead by sweat. Fast forward 4 years... When we woke up November 3, 2004, we were informed by any pundit that had vocal cords that we had caused it... The gays demanding their rights had forced and inspired the rightwingnuts to flock to the poles and pass 11 constitutional amendments outlawing same sex marriage... While the wingnuts were in the booths voting against the gays, they also felt free to vote for the presidential candidate that "Most represented their values."
Tomorrow we will be voting. So should you. Even if you aren't registered, in most states you can vote for president by provisional ballot. If you live in CT, vote no on question one. I've been accused in the past of voting gay rights to the exclusion of other issues, and just to set the record straight, give me a minute here while I shake off my manic fatigue and put it out there before election day is here.
I was raised in a family that didn't talk about politics much. My mother and father never told me who they were voting for. I appreciate and respect that they did that. That they let me rant and rave about how great I thought the Gipper was, even though they couldn't stand the guy. I've thought of how to temper my political opinions for JB and any future sibs, because I think there is some value in avoiding a parental indoctrination. But I'm not there yet. Tomorrow I'm voting for Barack Obama. Tomorrow, maybe for the first time, I'm voting for someone I feel safe believing in. Tomorrow, I feel I get to vote for intellect and sincerity, and the vote is not about gay rights hardly at all. I'm voting for Barack Obama because I believe...
I believe that when a nation centers it's identity on the theory that all citizens are created equal (and all are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness) setting up and perfecting a re-distributive system of progressive taxation is neither socialist, misguided, or unfair; but it is rational and moral.
I believe that my income, the income that I am able to earn as a free citizen in a country that provides free libraries and free education for all of it's citizens - is taxable.
I believe that my property, the property I am able to purchase with the money I earn through my job, the property that is protected by municipal employees such as police and firefighters, the property that is kept secure by garbage pickups and zoning regulations - is taxable.
I believe that if some member of my family dies and I inherit more than ONE MILLION DOLLARS, some of that should go back to the state to support the infrastructure that helped make my relatives so prosperous.
I believe that most of what I have been given in terms of freedoms and advancements has come from liberal movements that have been maligned and battered by instruments and proponents of propaganda. The political antics of a conservative minority that have somehow, ingeniously whipped up a backlash against labor movements, civil rights advancements, and women's suffrage are insulting to me. I believe that candidates and/or government officials that entice citizens to turn against their neighbors, and vote against their fiscal self interests is not "by," "of," or "for" "the people" at all.
I believe that a free market promotes competition, ingenuity, and healthy trade but that unrestricted or unregulated capitalism promotes greed and corruption that are contradictory to the ideals of a representative democracy.
I believe that there are many, many more people in this country working too hard for too little pay than there are people hardly working, or "living off the rest of us."
I believe it is wrong to care more for a fetus than a living baby. And if you are going to make abortion illegal, than you had better also abolish childhood poverty, and hunger.
I believe it is wrong to care more for a fetus than a living woman. And if you are going to make abortion illegal, than you had better also give women information on birth control, sexual health, and choices in a misogynistic society.
I believe that just like education, health care is a right, not a privilege. It is conceit that we consider ourselves the richest, most civilized people on earth, but it is an embarrassment that our wealth and our civility do not extend to making sure that everyone has access to basic primary, preventative, and emergency care regardless of ability to pay.
I believe that Medicare is without question the most successful and efficient government program in the history of the modern world. I believe those that deny the success and potential good that could come from extending such a program do so either out of ignorance, irrational fear, or mendacity.
I believe the government should not tell us who or how we may worship.
I believe the government should not tell us who or how we may love.
I believe that a gay child or the child of a gay parent is as important to society and as worthy of protection as any other child.
I believe that race is more than a divisive issue in this country and more than something that should be pondered and discussed. Racial prejudice is abhorrent, but it is woven into the fabric of our existence and cannot be untangled without reconstructing who we are. The history of racism and enslavement is the history of all of us. I believe that anyone who pretends that racism does not still affect most of our relationships and power dynamics in this country is delusional. The past cannot be changed, but we have come too far to stay the same. I believe standing together and treating each other with respect matters more than assigning blame. We are all in this together and our leaders should stop trying to pit us against one another. I believe the "divide and conquer" and "attack your opponents' morality/character" strategy has tainted too many elections, and has lowered the level of discourse: "Nana-na-boo-boo, wa-wa-wa!"
I believe that the United States of America has a place on the world stage. I believe that the alleged "last remaining superpower" is of privilege and therefore has responsibilities toward the rest of the world. I believe that the damage done in the last 8 years to our international relationships, credibility, and perceived integrity as a nation is not only a national security concern, but a tremendous waste of our good reputation that has been bought with the blood of American soldiers.
I believe that it is time we had a president that will not mock straight-A students, who speaks intellectually as if education and tact is important.
I believe that this Barack Obama guy is the real deal. A once-in-several-generations type transformational leader. I believe that the message of hope and change is in and of itself important right now.
I believe I am more tired now than I was when I wrote that post about being tired last night...
I am sad about Barack's grandmother dying today. Sad that she did not live to see tomorrow. Sad that even though he may bring it home for her, he doesn't get to bring it home to her.
We'll see what happens tomorrow...
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Gay wedding day
Out of nowhere, the CT supreme court came down with a "you can't say we can't get married- it's unconstitutional" 4-3 decision. It's not really out of nowhere... it's nearly two years in the waiting. But it is strange timing.
While the Californians are trying to vote down Proposition 8, we might have our own constitutional crisis on our hands. Unlike MA, where voters can petition to edit the state constitution by referendum, our CT state constitution is only opened up every 20 year. That is, every 20 years on election day, the citizens vote as to whether or not they want to ratify the constitution. And, you guessed it, this is that year... So the only thing that can keep the gays from legal marriage at this point is a constitutional ammendment defining marriage as "only one penis and one vagina". If the ruling from the CT supreme court had come down after election day, there would be no chance for a discriminatory constitutional ammendment for another 20 years. But I guess it is good. Maybe there are no coincidences. I really thought CT was poised to be the first state of the union to enact MARRIAGE EQUALITY without a judicial ruling. We are very close to having a legislative body that would have passed it... and then we could do without all the "activist judges" blahblahblahing from the right.
At least with this constitutional process, there will be voter involvement. I don't think there are enough CT residents who want to overturn this ruling to vote to initiate the constitutional convention. I might be wrong, but if that's true, then the question is in essence put to the voters. Let me be clear, it is INSANE for a rational person to think that the rights of a minority population should be put to popular vote, but in this case, I think we have the votes and that's a pretty good precedent to set too.
For those who aren't into this stuff, let me essplain.. no time to essplain, let me sum up:
- the ct supreme court said, "civil unions aren't enough... gay folks should be allowed to be MARRIED"
- Now the lower court has to set a date for this to happen and the CT legislature has to make some laws for about HOW this will happen. (will civil unions just become marriages? Will CU be null and void? Will you have to pay for a marriage license and get married if you were civil unioned before? etc.)
- When the eyes are dotted and tees are crossed legally, ss couples in CT will be allowed to get married and call themselves married in the state
- No church will be forced to marry any couple- churches decide who can get married in their parish community
- The rights we receive by the state of CT as a married couple will not be extended to federal benefits until the Defense of Marriage Act is struck down. (F)
- DOMA is a FEDERAL LAW that says, "even if your state recognizes you as a married couple, the federal government does not unless one participant has a penis and one participant has a vagina." (so we're not really leaving it up to the states are we?)
- In other words, if Katy and I were to get married, we would not have access to each other's social security benefits, we would not have access to medical benefits if either of us become a member of congress or other branch of the federal government (it could happen!), we get taxed on medical benefits that one provides to the other, we have to file taxes separately (pretending to be two separate entities even as we are a single family unit on our state taxes and all our property is jointly owned and we have a son who we both parent... together... who should claim him as a dependent this year?)
- If we leave our state no state has to treat us as married. They don't have to because of the penis/vagina thing. I am not particularly jonesin' to go to Alabama, but rest assured, there is a law there on the books that specifically says: "I don't give a pale turd what your liberal, punk-assed state thinks you're entitled to... down here, we'll call dykes if you pass us on the street but we'll only call you "friends" if you're in a hospital waiting room. 'Cause believe you-me, "friends" don't have a right to shit during an emergency" (I swear, it says that right in the constitutional ammendment.)
Anyway, like I said on Fox 61 that time, "It's a great day."
By the way, Katy was on NPR in NY this morning having been interviewed by a radio person yesterday about the decision.
While the Californians are trying to vote down Proposition 8, we might have our own constitutional crisis on our hands. Unlike MA, where voters can petition to edit the state constitution by referendum, our CT state constitution is only opened up every 20 year. That is, every 20 years on election day, the citizens vote as to whether or not they want to ratify the constitution. And, you guessed it, this is that year... So the only thing that can keep the gays from legal marriage at this point is a constitutional ammendment defining marriage as "only one penis and one vagina". If the ruling from the CT supreme court had come down after election day, there would be no chance for a discriminatory constitutional ammendment for another 20 years. But I guess it is good. Maybe there are no coincidences. I really thought CT was poised to be the first state of the union to enact MARRIAGE EQUALITY without a judicial ruling. We are very close to having a legislative body that would have passed it... and then we could do without all the "activist judges" blahblahblahing from the right.
At least with this constitutional process, there will be voter involvement. I don't think there are enough CT residents who want to overturn this ruling to vote to initiate the constitutional convention. I might be wrong, but if that's true, then the question is in essence put to the voters. Let me be clear, it is INSANE for a rational person to think that the rights of a minority population should be put to popular vote, but in this case, I think we have the votes and that's a pretty good precedent to set too.
For those who aren't into this stuff, let me essplain.. no time to essplain, let me sum up:
- the ct supreme court said, "civil unions aren't enough... gay folks should be allowed to be MARRIED"
- Now the lower court has to set a date for this to happen and the CT legislature has to make some laws for about HOW this will happen. (will civil unions just become marriages? Will CU be null and void? Will you have to pay for a marriage license and get married if you were civil unioned before? etc.)
- When the eyes are dotted and tees are crossed legally, ss couples in CT will be allowed to get married and call themselves married in the state
- No church will be forced to marry any couple- churches decide who can get married in their parish community
- The rights we receive by the state of CT as a married couple will not be extended to federal benefits until the Defense of Marriage Act is struck down. (F)
- DOMA is a FEDERAL LAW that says, "even if your state recognizes you as a married couple, the federal government does not unless one participant has a penis and one participant has a vagina." (so we're not really leaving it up to the states are we?)
- In other words, if Katy and I were to get married, we would not have access to each other's social security benefits, we would not have access to medical benefits if either of us become a member of congress or other branch of the federal government (it could happen!), we get taxed on medical benefits that one provides to the other, we have to file taxes separately (pretending to be two separate entities even as we are a single family unit on our state taxes and all our property is jointly owned and we have a son who we both parent... together... who should claim him as a dependent this year?)
- If we leave our state no state has to treat us as married. They don't have to because of the penis/vagina thing. I am not particularly jonesin' to go to Alabama, but rest assured, there is a law there on the books that specifically says: "I don't give a pale turd what your liberal, punk-assed state thinks you're entitled to... down here, we'll call dykes if you pass us on the street but we'll only call you "friends" if you're in a hospital waiting room. 'Cause believe you-me, "friends" don't have a right to shit during an emergency" (I swear, it says that right in the constitutional ammendment.)
Anyway, like I said on Fox 61 that time, "It's a great day."
By the way, Katy was on NPR in NY this morning having been interviewed by a radio person yesterday about the decision.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Petition signing
An opportunity to quietly and easily voice your opposition to banning same-sex marrige.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
As California, so goes the country...
So, today marriage equality is introduced to a nation.
Last night, in a special ceremony Del Martin (87) and Phylis Lyon (84) were legally wed after over 50 years together. My favorite part of the new coverage has been the protesters- one of their signs was quoted as saying, "Homo sex is sin." Ironic to picket a wedding ceremony of ancient lesbians with that one... it just sort of reinforces that this isn't really about sex as much as love, commitment, and equal rights.
California isn't the first state to allow 'the gays' to marry, but unlike our beloved MA, Cali doesn't have an antiquated, racist law on the books that is used to enforce a residency requirement. Nation-state, California has sent an engraved invitation to boys and girls in love: come here and get hitched.
It may not be legal in the home state of those destined to wed on the west coast, and the federal government will not recognize the marriages any more than they recognize our civil union, but this is huge. It is a big deal because how are you going to say to someone who has a valid marriage certificate that they are not married. I don't mean in a legal battle or court system. I mean in school system when someone is saying you are not a parent-figure, or at the gym when someone says you can't get a "family membership" or in an airport or hotel or rent-a-car dealer when someone says that you are not related... or in a hospital waiting room when someone says you are not next of kin. Every day citizens are going to have a problem with that, because everyday citizens recognize when something is unfair, and generally people are uncomfortable with something that is unfair. For some people that is about ethics, but for others it is more about:
"If they can do that to you, then they can do that to me... and I don't think that's right."
This is real and it's bigger than MA b/c even if is not "legal," it is more than people have ever had. Even in conservative states and towns, newly married couples will go to CA and bring their marriage certificates back to and in even greater numbers, they will come out of the closet and demand their fair share.
And on a much larger scale, just as has happened in MA, people will realize that nothing falls apart when two ladies or two gents get married. It is just doesn't change anything at all, except for the families that get some legal backup for their relationships.
Favorite bumper sticker:
Gays and lesbians are getting married, recognize it.
Last night, in a special ceremony Del Martin (87) and Phylis Lyon (84) were legally wed after over 50 years together. My favorite part of the new coverage has been the protesters- one of their signs was quoted as saying, "Homo sex is sin." Ironic to picket a wedding ceremony of ancient lesbians with that one... it just sort of reinforces that this isn't really about sex as much as love, commitment, and equal rights.
California isn't the first state to allow 'the gays' to marry, but unlike our beloved MA, Cali doesn't have an antiquated, racist law on the books that is used to enforce a residency requirement. Nation-state, California has sent an engraved invitation to boys and girls in love: come here and get hitched.
It may not be legal in the home state of those destined to wed on the west coast, and the federal government will not recognize the marriages any more than they recognize our civil union, but this is huge. It is a big deal because how are you going to say to someone who has a valid marriage certificate that they are not married. I don't mean in a legal battle or court system. I mean in school system when someone is saying you are not a parent-figure, or at the gym when someone says you can't get a "family membership" or in an airport or hotel or rent-a-car dealer when someone says that you are not related... or in a hospital waiting room when someone says you are not next of kin. Every day citizens are going to have a problem with that, because everyday citizens recognize when something is unfair, and generally people are uncomfortable with something that is unfair. For some people that is about ethics, but for others it is more about:
"If they can do that to you, then they can do that to me... and I don't think that's right."
This is real and it's bigger than MA b/c even if is not "legal," it is more than people have ever had. Even in conservative states and towns, newly married couples will go to CA and bring their marriage certificates back to and in even greater numbers, they will come out of the closet and demand their fair share.
And on a much larger scale, just as has happened in MA, people will realize that nothing falls apart when two ladies or two gents get married. It is just doesn't change anything at all, except for the families that get some legal backup for their relationships.
Favorite bumper sticker:
Gays and lesbians are getting married, recognize it.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Gay activism
I've heard several media outlets and new sources say that yesterday was a "great day for gay activists." This freaks me out. (Or maybe "annoys me" is more accurate. ) Why is the California Supreme Court decision a great day for gay activists? (And by that do they mean activists that are actually homosexual? Or activists working for gay causes?) Is it because "gay activists" were the ones working so hard to get this thru the courts? Maybe.
But why isn't it considered a great day for GLBT everywhere? Or a great day for anyone who knows someone legally disadvantaged by anti-gay discrimination?? Or a great day for freedom in America??? Or why isn't the headline: "Bad day for anti-gay activists"? Or "Bad day If you hate thegays idea of gays getting equal rights"? How come the "gay ones" are the only activists mentioned?
Are these producers afraid there will be some "gay" somewhere that claims, "i didn't ask for this..." Or some footage of a PwanFLG [Parent (who is not necessarily a Friend) of Lesbians and Gays]? Well, I assure you, there will be.
I'm bent out of shape because i believe this type of framing of the news reinforces and perpetuates the myth that GLBT "activists" are pushy, whiny, complaining, asking for special rights, and generally promoting civil unrest. Conversely, it reinforces the misleading perspective that anti-gay activists are representing citizens that are somehow affected negatively by expanded rights for GLBT peeps. It is more appalling when anti-gay activists are called "pro-marriage"!!!
I mean, here are all these gays trying to fight for marriage. Shouldn't they get to be called the "pro-marriage" faction? I mean who gains what and who loses what?
The gays aren't saying "ONLY GAY MARRIAGE... Rights for me and not YOU!" But the fundie wingnuts are saying just that:
"Only rights for ME... I have the rights now, don't change anything!!!"
Maybe the GLBT community should be popping a temporal artery and blustering, "DESTROY HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE! CHANGE THE LAWS TO INVALIDATE ANY MARRIAGE THAT ISN'T GAY!!!" Maybe then the general public will wipe our feverish brow and say, "There, there, my gay-activist friend... There's room in marriage for all of us..."
But why isn't it considered a great day for GLBT everywhere? Or a great day for anyone who knows someone legally disadvantaged by anti-gay discrimination?? Or a great day for freedom in America??? Or why isn't the headline: "Bad day for anti-gay activists"? Or "Bad day If you hate the
Are these producers afraid there will be some "gay" somewhere that claims, "i didn't ask for this..." Or some footage of a PwanFLG [Parent (who is not necessarily a Friend) of Lesbians and Gays]? Well, I assure you, there will be.
I'm bent out of shape because i believe this type of framing of the news reinforces and perpetuates the myth that GLBT "activists" are pushy, whiny, complaining, asking for special rights, and generally promoting civil unrest. Conversely, it reinforces the misleading perspective that anti-gay activists are representing citizens that are somehow affected negatively by expanded rights for GLBT peeps. It is more appalling when anti-gay activists are called "pro-marriage"!!!
I mean, here are all these gays trying to fight for marriage. Shouldn't they get to be called the "pro-marriage" faction? I mean who gains what and who loses what?
The gays aren't saying "ONLY GAY MARRIAGE... Rights for me and not YOU!" But the fundie wingnuts are saying just that:
"Only rights for ME... I have the rights now, don't change anything!!!"
Maybe the GLBT community should be popping a temporal artery and blustering, "DESTROY HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE! CHANGE THE LAWS TO INVALIDATE ANY MARRIAGE THAT ISN'T GAY!!!" Maybe then the general public will wipe our feverish brow and say, "There, there, my gay-activist friend... There's room in marriage for all of us..."
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