DST= I'm so tired

Daylight savings time is like that hot, undercover cop who comes to your high school to "deal with the drug" problem but then she ruins the life of the valedictorian because he's sweet on her and she asks him if he knows how to get her some drugs...

And by that i mean, it's nice to get that extra daylight and all, but really- the time shift 4 days ago has  messed up these kids' sleep cycles.  I don't know how or why it happens.  It doesn't make any logical sense, but everyone is all coo-coo for coco puffs at bed time and all night long... And getting out of the house on time in the morning is a joke.

The week in review

In the last 7 days, Obama freed the gays*, North Carolina outlawed them, we've celebrated/endured nurses' week, mother's day, and gone through a 12 pack of ginger-ale**.  In the last seven days, the boys have worn their raincoats, their winter coats, and their bathing suits- so swings the weather in these parts at this time of the year...

The Ta-bar pool opened today at a crisp, cool 76 degrees. (We all went in but Katy). And I predict both these boys will be swimming without "swimmies" by the end of the summer (Mac and Cam are already there).  Softball starts tomorrow.  I have a lot to write about, but I'm so very sleepy.

The new job is absurd.  Good, but a little like being a lost kid at a big fair... Except, I'm not a kid, and I have a map, but they change the fair grounds every night... and there are a lot of emails... And I keep staying awake every night wondering if I should suggest to my bosses that maybe they should keep the fair grounds looking like the map they hand out.  Also, I find myself wanting to shout a lot, "THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES ON!" 

*OBAMA did not actually free the gays, but he did publicly state is personal support for marriage equality which as Joe Biden would say, "...is a big fucking deal."

**Jake was vomiting last weekend and I spent Friday night wondering how my body could eject the contents of my stomach with such force that jet engine blasters seem comparatively ineffectual and weak.  

UPDATE: Wow... Bill Maher- Truth teller

UPDATE: HBO pulled the video, but has the transcript here.



--------------------
I didn't laugh, so much as cringed- sometimes the truth does hurt.

Coming home tonight

Almost a week since my last post, but a lot has been happening...

I've been away.

I came home from Texas last Friday night (3/18). Spent Sat with the family: did some running around, playing with the kids, grocery shopping, etc. Went to a baby shower for my cousin's wife, spent a few hours with my CT cousin-friends (That's a word I just made up... It's like "sister-wife" in Mormon country, and is used to describe people that you are related to by birth, but more and more as you grow older, they are your friends. While we're here, I think I'll also coin the flip side: "friend-cousins": These are people like the Tabors/Menzies/Priors and the Vuolos... people who fate has so kindly intertwined your families' lives that you are friends with them, but you think of them as cousins...)

Then Katy's parents arrived (Granny and Granna) and we had dinner and I got to the business of packing a fresh suitcase, and bathing, smelling, and snuggling my kids enough to carry me though this week that I have also been away. Katy and I woke up at 3:30 in the AM (last Saturday) to get me to the airport for my 6am flight to Sunny and Warm LA county. The trip with layovers and waiting times on the tarmac to "replace computers on the plane", and flying around in circles to avoid weather patterns, and the harrowing shuttle journey to the hotel took over 15 hours.

It has been neither warm, nor particularly sunny.

But, I have been working my tail off (so to speak).

Only as this week has wound down (Thursday night, Friday, and now) have I truly started to feel the weight of my- not "homesickness" exactly- but yearning to have my babies near me. I think I just compartmentalized it fairly well at the beginning. Also, I knew that (between Katy and my in-laws) the boys were not only in good hands, but they would be distracted and having fun in my absence.

Still, attending these two conferences back to back, I have been away from my family for 11 out of the last 12 days. Even Katy and I have not spent this much time apart since we started dating.
And it has been weird to miss a week that my in-laws took to spend with our family. I've been wondering what I have missed in terms of "bonding opportunities" with them, and while I was out here in CA, my God-daughter and sweet Mac-a-doodle turned 5 years old!!! So, I felt a little sad that night that we weren't all together celebrating.

I've done my best to put the time to good use. I've met a lot of interesting and fun people. I've networked and bonded. I've gotten to spend this last week rooming with (and joking and laughing and theorizing and scheming with) Tara. Tara has been a BFF of ours since Katy's and my grad school days. This week only confirmed why: she is good people. She is real and full of brain and heart power, and loyal and honorable, and not only hilarious- but appreciates (and plays off of) my particular brand of wit. She is funny, without being trivial, and carefully measures the weight of her words and actions like only a soul-sister of mine could.

It is absurd that we ended up here this week together, and I can't help but thank God (The Tiny Baby Jesus, or whatever older version of him you prefer) for the way this trip took T and I out of our other lives and put us here, together for a week.

I also tried to use the time well- to appreciate the things a mom of small children loses out on: Sleep, "Quiet time", complex and extended adult conversation, "me time", I've done some list making and sorting through of things in my head, a kind of spring cleaning of my brain. I've also hit the gym whenever possible and done some sweating- and yesterday got myself onto some of the beaches of Malibu for a little hike.

At the end of this, I am eager to get home. But I think I am going back a little bit of a healthier person. Maybe more focused, more grateful for what I have, more (possibly?) full of energy (though taking a red-eye tonight might put a damper on that).

I can't wait to see my sweetie and our kids!

Another ridiculous week

I'm so wiped out, right now. But so happy.

It got hot again this week- 90 plus degrees for 4 or 5 days now.

A hurricane is on the way: Earl.
It shouldn't be that big if/when it hits us (they think category 2) but we bought some water and supplies just in case.

Last weekend, my gram fell and broke her wrist at a funeral we were attending. She's fine, but watching her go thru that left a lot of us a little shaky.

After getting to see many good peeps this weekend, Katy and I got sick Sunday night. We had the exact same symptoms, and the exact same time of onset- so we couldn't blame one another like we normally might.

We only occasionally glared with contempt and animosity at our two boys, perfectly healthy little cesspools that they are... whatever virus caused their barely noticeable runny noses and crankiness last week turns the adults of the house into piles of tissue-seeking, sinus-head-achy, sleeping with cough drops in our mouths, and taking advil around the clock, sudafed addicts.

JB looked at my pathetic, sickly expression yesterday morning, took out a notebook, and with the speed of an expert Nurse Practitioner writing a prescription for Victoza, he drew me a masterpiece that resembled a Sine curve in black, fine point ink and told me, "This is for you... so that you can have it... for work."

Read between the lines, people! He really gets me, and knew that it would help my cold (and my feelings of desperation) to have a piece of him with me all day.

Not to be outdone, ML waited all day at day care- doing his thing, which involves dragging his care-givers around in circles, clutching one of their fingers as if he is Gollum and the finger he is holding is wearing the RING- until I walked thru the door at 4:40pm. He stood, steadied by his band of merry women, and walked to me. WALKED. Not dragging someone with him by their finger. Not 1 or 2 steps... no. It was at least 6 steps. It felt like 7 or 8 or 10 steps before he reached me.

I was in awe. Laughing and cheering. I assumed he'd been doing this all day, but the expressions on his care givers' faces indicated to me that either they would go on to win academy awards one day, or this was the first time they had seen ML deliver on the promise of upright mobility too. "We knew you could do it!" they shouted and clapped...

I was prepared to go home and not see this behavior again for a while. When ML laughed for the first time, he giggled and chortled for a full 15 minutes and then we didn't hear it again for 3 or 6 weeks. But last night, he walked and walked and walked.

And tonight, we got a digital recording of it:



Um, yeah. That right there? That is on day TWO of walking... In his life.
DAY.
TWO.

Awesome. (Sung in a high-pitched vibrato)

JB has been very sweet, encouraging ML to walk.

He has paused a moment several times to look at us with a cocked head and an expression of, "WTF is everyone so worked up about... I 'been walking up in here for several years now, fishes!!!"

But he seems to understand enough to shake that confusion from his eyes and mirror our excited and proud reactions. Already, Katy and I have stopped cheering for every one of ML's new steps. (Mostly it is because our energy levels are low and our minds are fragile and limp from the week's "illness"... But also, I mean, do you see how many STEPS this kid is taking?!? Constant cheering of that volume is a lot to ask...) Anyway, JB- you can hear him in the background of that recording- if he sees ML walking and we are not making a big enough deal about it, he brings it to our attention: "HE'S DOING IT... HE'S WALKING."

I think he is trying to show how supportive he is (we heap praise on JB whenever he acts the part of "doting brother.") But the expression in his voice doesn't quite get to, "LOOK AT MY AWESOME BROTHER!!!" He instead sounds equal parts excited, panicked, and underwhelmed; like he could be saying, "LOOK THERE, HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS OWN POO AGAIN, LIKE I TOLD YOU HE WOULD..."

I said to Katy tonight, "I don't remember being this excited when JB took his first steps."
She said, "You were."
Memory is a strange thing. Every day I am totally enthralled, enamored, and sometimes freaked out by how amazing JB is, but I really don't remember him being as awesome as ML is at this age. Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention back then. Maybe there's not enough brain power to store specific feelings. Maybe I'm successfully "living in the moment". Maybe it's what we always blame it on: sleep deprivation. In any case, just to bring my heart back there, I went searching for this post: Evidence of Walking.

Like I've said before:
The heart and body remember things the mind can't...
For the rest of it... I guess that's why there are cameras.

Bottom line: I sure do love these boys.

Tonight, to celebrate, we went to the pool.
The perfect way to end a 94 degree day.

I feel very, very blessed!

Shout out to my Nightingale...

Last Friday was Nurse's Day.

"Nurse's week" started sometime either last Wednesday or last Monday.
If you google this holiday, you will see some discrepancies and inconsistencies about the dates... I digress...

For most of my life as a nurse, i really viewed this as a hallmark holiday:

Thanks for the shout-out, Hallmark, no matter how much money you make on cards this year, you can't possibly know about being a nurse and therefore, not really honor it.

When I was a teen? pre-tween? I'm not sure when this show was on... I was addicted to China Beach. Looking back, I had a serious crush on Lt. Colleen McMurphy:
Yum: Mee:

There I go digressing again... Anyway... Sometimes I credited this show to making me want to be a nurse, I didn't want to go to war, but i could really relate to this character- Irish, catholic, who wanted to DO something that mattered, but then in the middle of it was like, "What the hell am I doing?!?"

I think i was surprised when I worked in the ICU (years later) how much it could feel like you were living through a war even though you were in a civilian hospital during "peace" time. The woman and men that I nursed with in the ICU were amazing: smart, sassy, with the quickest wit and the crass-est, sickest senses of humor you can imagine. You've got to have a strong stomach and a lot of patience for shit (of the literal and bull variety.) And they did. And they laughed and cried and picked people and pools of blood up off the floor. And we ordered Chinese take out in the middle of cardiac codes, and helped families accept the death of their loved ones, and talked and taught and fought the doctors to get them to HEAR what the patients were saying.

I wear that experience like a badge of honor on my soul. But even so, it never made me view nurses day outside of the scope of cynicism. (see made up sassy bark to Hallmark corp above...)

Then this year... when I'm so far removed from clinical care of patients that I've started to call myself a "fake" nurse, Katy wins a Nightingale Award. This is a statewide recognition of nursing excellence. And sitting next to her at the ceremony, something changes a little in me. A little of the cynicism melts away. It is more than being proud of her and thrilled that she was recognized for all the amazing work she does and has done. (Though I am and I was). It had a lot to do with what happened last October and Last January, and Last September...

A nurse was there kind of saving and protecting us when ML gushed into the world.
A nurse was there in my most terrified moments, when I wouldn't even let myself think my worst fear about his illness and fevers and seizures three weeks later.
A nurse was up all night with us when his fever wouldn't come down.
A nurse was there to help get him help when he was having seizures.
Nurses were there, talking to and teaching and sometimes fighting the doctors on our behalf.
A nurse was there during all the LPs, during the MRI, during the EEG.
... During the nights, the early mornings, and the long afternoons.
A nurse was there to help us get some rest and to help us ask the right questions.
To help us calm down a little at certain points and and to get us riled up a little at others.
Then a few months later for JB's surgery... more nurses.
Many of them nameless to me now.
Keeping us sane...

It's different when it's your kid, I guess- those cliches about angels seem somehow less "cliche-y"
There's not a greeting card out there that can convey what those nurses did for us, but now there IS a part of me that has the inclination to buy a few and TRY to convey it...

But then, here we are on Mother's day. And as I write this, my pretty Nightingale Award winner is sleeping upstairs in our bed. She's an amazing mother. Tonight, she got JB to turn off a "Terrible 2" tantrum by suggesting that he could take his "bad attitude" and decide (IF HE WANTED TO) to put that bad attitude in his hand and throw it away and choose to be in a better mood. (I swear this is true.) And what do you think that little fucker sonofa'gun did??? He decided to throw his bad mood away. He pantomimed putting something into his palm and chucking it in the garbage and then (WAIT FOR IT) he was suddenly in a pleasant mood.

blink.
blink.
blink.

Thank God I'm on this journey with such an insanely talented and smart woman. I just love her and hope she knows how much! Cause I didn't get to sign the card I bought for her today...

Happy nurses week and mother's day, baby.

As part of my gift to you, I am going to (be extremely quiet as I come) crawl into bed next to you to sleep this day off!
All my love, Me

xoxo

Put your hands in the air, shake your derriere

While JB was keeping us crying on our toes this week, ML did ALL of the following:
Learned to CLAP,
WAVE
AND CRAWL:

On one of the bad mornings when it was all about JB, ML was in the apx 12'x12' Family room- which has about 7'x9' of roaming space, when the furniture, etc is considered...

The first time we left ML unattended for a few minutes, he had wormed over to the fire place and was nibbling on the slate of the outer hearth.

The second time, we found him under the overturned play-gym- not helpless on his back- but crawling forward, like a giddy-up-and-go turtle.

The third time, he had crawled over to where the laptop was and got his fat hands on the power cord...

GAME OVER, ML. Now you can't be trusted to continue making us look good. Therefore, we will watch you like a hawk... way to earn yourself some attention! Strong work...

How cute is this kid?!?

Politics as (un)usual

Dear Obstructionists: Claiming this watered-down bill is a "GOVERNMENT TAKE-OVER OF HEALTH CARE" is about as accurate as saying that parents who buy sunscreen for their children are "TAKING OVER THE SOLAR SYSTEM"

I'm watching CSPAN. I can't believe all the antics...
I wish there were lie detector tests so you could see if they actually BELIEVE the lies they tell.
Also, there should be immediate fact checking based on data... it is weird how you can re-write history in a statement on the floor of the house of representatives and it simply goes, uncorrected into the record.

I hope this thing passes.
I also hope I can get my sorry A$$ to bed soon...
(It's like a car accident, I can't look away.)

Relaxing but productive Sunday

It is not right to go this long without a newsletter...
That's what happens every time I sit down to do anything at the computer - I think "I NEED TO WRITE A NEWSLETTER" - and then I get overwhelmed and write nothing at all.

We have very cute boys, but they cannot be trusted to sleep thru the night. I keep saying I'm going to stop talking about how tired I am and see if that helps me feel less tired, but every time someone asks me how I am, it comes out like uncontrolled diarrhea - I can't stop talking about it - How tired i am...

(shaking it off) But that's not what this post is about...

Today was kind of an amazing day. JB must be in a growth spurt b/c he is sleeping and eating a ton. He only woke up twice last night to ask if he could come into bed with us and at 5:30, Katy brought him in... (This is his new thing, calling for Mama in the middle of the night... One night I went in because he was crying and it was my turn to comfort him and he threw some stuffed object at me and cried out, "NOT YOU! MAMA!! YOU GET OUT!!!" Katy thinks this hurts my feelings and in the daytime hours maybe, but at 2 am??? I think my snores ten seconds later do not accurately reflect how broken up I am that she is the MOC [mother of choice] at that hour...

He slept 'till after 8am and instead of rushing him and trying to kill ourselves to get to church for 9 o'clock, we went to the 11am service. This called for a lot of slow-paced dressing, packing, and down-right lolly-gagging that still put us in the sanctuary at 10:50am. (Our normal arrival time for the 9am service is between 9:08 and 9:15.)

When we got home it was way past nap time and BOTH boys slept SIMULTANEOUSLY! JB for over 3 hours and ML, slightly less. This meant that the mommies had time to talk to each other. And sit and make some plans for the week, prepare some menus, and even start working on dinner. It was quite lovely and when the boys woke up, they actually seemed to sense that we were more prepared to care for them than when they fell asleep. I think they were sweeter to us because of it.

ML had his first week of day care and did amazing. He's the bell of the ball, known over there at school as the "best behaved baby we've ever had!" That's some kind of break for a newbie to leave that kind of impression... JB has demonstrated a little jealousy. Not toward his brother, but toward us. It's normal regression and the kind of behavior that part of me is silently cheering him on for: "good-for-you, little guy! If someone is taking over your territory as 'cutest in the land,' go ahead and do something to get noticed"...

He peed his pants 3 times last Monday. The first time, in the morning right after Katy tried to get him to use the potty and he refused (could have been an accident)... The second time was 10 minutes later after she got him in a new, dry outfit... The following exchange occurred:

Kt: (to JB in the 2nd wet outfit of the day): What's going on? Why didn't you ask to go potty?
JB: (offhandedly gesturing to the wet spot on his pants) Sometimes it happens...

Then at day care, he did it again.

Who cares. We don't. But the kid is potty trained, he knows exactly what he's doing.

ML is just beautiful. He's such a happy baby. He smiles all the time and laughs and is generally mellow yellow. He is huge and we've nicknamed him "Hoss." Needing an equally cool nickname for his brother, JB has been dubbed "Slim".

As in:
Mom #1: Which one do you want to get out of the car?
Mom #2: I'll take Hoss. You get slim...

I am going to bed now, 'cause I'm sure this cycle of rational sleeping patterns cannot continue for an entire 24 hours.
;-)

This is a week for catching up with the writing on the blog, I can just feel it!!!

Blog abandonment

Yes, we are still alive...

We've had house guests and family visiting since the 19th. The new home is housing this mayhem and merriment swimmingly. The boys and their beds have been moved several times with very few negative effects. At the busiest (Christmas) there were 9 of us here; the four
of us (kt, JB, ML, and me) all in our room.

Kt's dad (g'pa) came the sat before Christmas (19th) thru the 26th. "The grannies" arrived on the 23rd with Kt's brother, Josh, and his fiancé, Linda. J and L left with g'pa. The grannies are here for 2 more weeks to help us keep ML out of day care a little longer.

Kt started back to work last Monday. Originally, she wasn't going to go back until Next week, but a slow start has it's benefits. Plus, she got pd for 5 days, but only had to work 2.75 days. It's a mountain of madness to fall back into., but she's handling it well. It has been a crazy time but by now, I think we are getting used to crazy times. I have a lot to blog about, but not a lot of awake time that isn't consumed by my desire to suck the marrow out of these precious times with these adorable boys. I've been lucky too to spend some time with good peeps and also catching up on some movies and HBO.

Thank you to all GSO readers. You have been an amazing source of support to us in 2009. Thank u for being a part of our extended family.

Sent from my iPhone

JB at 2 years+ and ML at almost 2 months

We went to the pediatrician for JB's 2 year old visit last Wednesday.

In the days leading up to his appointment, the kid was just a wreck. He was a drippy mess, sneezing, coughing, acting like a brat, crying at the drop of a hat... From what I've heard, this is the exact behavior that causes parents and peeps of parents to add the prefix "terrible" to the word "twos". There was this one moment when we were in the hospital and my sister was taking care of JB and every kid at her house and at day care started to get colds that caused that wet, bronchial-spastic cough that I wondered to myself if his doctor would tell us his ear tubes had fallen out at this upcoming visit. Since he had the surgery in December, JB has literally not been sick. The year before it was ear infections every six weeks, but after he got tubes, all was cool.

So, Dr. L looks into his left ear and in micro-seconds pulls away, "He's got an ear infection. The tube is out." The tube in the right ear is in his Eustachian tube and not the ear drum, and instantly we realize that all the signs were there. He doesn't get fevers when he gets an ear infection, he just gets sensitive and whiny, and stubborn, and prone to frequent breakdowns. Perhaps even more so if everything in his world was changing: home, schedule, family structure, stress level of parents, household members, etc.

At the 2 year "well child visit", the kid was a wreck. Really, he was all over the place. Cried when they wanted to undress him, then he pulled his diaper off and wanted to be naked-refused to get dressed again. He cried and shouted when they wanted to weigh him and when they wanted to measure the circumference of his head. Yes, he's been difficult, but this was hard to take, because for the most part we have the most mellow little boy on our hands. It is weird, but you really do want them to show off a little for their healthcare provider and barking, "NO! STOPPIT!" at the staff wasn't what I considered to be a shining example of his emotional or linguistic accomplishments.

Then at the end, they have to take a tiny tube of blood for lead and Hemoglobin; as well as give him 3 IM injections: H1N1 vaccine, HIB, and seasonal flu vaccine. During the finger stick, he observes the blood leaving his body with such intensity and curiosity that he could have been filming a commercial for summer science camp for toddlers. I'm dumbfounded that this didn't upset him AT ALL! The shots were a different story. He cried that heartbreaking cry that causes lesser moms to refuse to vaccinate their kids as part of the herd.

It didn't help that the appt was at 11am (lunch time at day care); and we weren't done in there before noon (30 minutes after the regular starting time of his daily nap). We wrestled him into his car seat and he screamed and cried a snot-fest of mucus onto the front of his shirt. He fell asleep about 3 highway miles into the trip home and Kt stopped at the pharmacy to fill his antibiotic Rx. When we got him home, he woke up, growled at me, and "declined" tylenol or his prescription dose. Then he slept for FOUR hours!!!! It was bizarre and unexpected and apparently just what the doctor ordered.

He woke up such a different person that Katy wondered aloud if the vaccinations might have acted a bit like shock therapy treatment. Upon waking, he looked at me and asked, "Mommy, I have a hug?" We cuddled for a bit and I picked up the spoons of tylenol and Cefdinir that he all but spit out at me immediately before the nap. I said, "Can you please take your medicine now?" He did without a word and then after swallowing it right down he looked at me, put a hand on my cheeks (as if he was about to say, "I love you,") and said, "Mommy. That's yummy."

(hee hee hee).

After the first 5 days of the drug treatment, JB is back to his sweet old self. He has a follow up ENT appointment in Dec and then we'll know what his ears look like. With any luck, this is a fluke and he will not need more tubes.

In the mean time, ML has picked up a wet cough and a sneeze that had his moms shitting a brick a few days back. Thursday and Friday we were desperate and frantic that he might spike a temp and we'd have to take him back to the hospital. He seems to be stable now (still has the cough, though) and he turns 8 weeks tomorrow. So that is good. He has enough to worry about with the health problems that might actually be real without being admitted as "R/O sepsis" and being exposed all over again to all those hospital germs.

We had a birth to 3 assessment done on ML on Friday. Generally they said our almost 8 week old is socially "right on track" but more like a 5 week old in terms of motor function. Not surprising after having spend 7 days of your 53 day old life in the hospital and also having had a fever and seizures and anti-seizure medication... but it was still a little sobering for his moms.

It has been a wild ride these last 2 months. I feel steady and charmed in terms of my good fortune. Still, I was in a department store during my lunch last week and I heard a child crying. It was a serious and desperate cry and it seemed to me misplaced at a department store. It was similar to the cry I heard from ML when they had to sick him 3 times to get an LP. And something deep inside me wavered. For a moment, I thought I might have to get down on the floor and lay there for a 10 count, right there in Ikea. It was like a wave of nausea and was gone as quickly as it rolled in. But it make me realize there's some stuff going on deep down inside me that I should probably pay attention to...

We moved into our new house last night. It is not really organized nor are all thing things done that I wanted to be done before we moved in. But I finally figured out what everyone else pretty much knew: we are never going to be able to move forward without staying here- there's no incentive to succeed and march forward on the TO DO LISTS unless our family is living here and not-yet-completed projects are affecting our daily life.

So here are a few of my favorite JB-isms and stories of the moment.

New negotiating tactic:
Me: Okay, let's go, put this shirt on...
JB: Umm, hmm, HOW'BOUT... this one over here, Mommy.

New stalling tactic or getting himself out of trouble tactic:
"I gotta go potty"
I swear this kid can squeeze out 4 drops of urine any time he wants to!

He's really great with ML and often says, "Look at ML, he's laughing at me... You're funny ML. Good boy, ML."

Just plan super cute at dinner: After eating a spoonful of peanut butter and wordlessly and unintentionally contorting his face (genuine "yummy", "sticky" and "peanut butter is hard-to-swallow" faces) JB lunges for his glass of water and gulps a bunch down. Then he looks up at his amused parents who have also said nothing this entire time and says, "I'm better now."

Priceless.

We're "Home"

ML was discharged from the hospital yesterday.

We are home (in quotes) because while we were away, all of our stuff was packed and transported to a new house in Midpoint.

To refresh the story for anyone new here: After many years of hemming and hawing (because we like the town we live in but b/c I work an hour away) we decided to sell our house and move to the town I grew up in- which is 1/2 way between where we lived and where I work, and which is where JB goes to day care, and where all the free babysitting is conveniently located. Our house was on the market for just over a year... Since four months before katy got pregnant... Since four days or so before the Lehman Brothers when under. [It is quite possible, if you take into account Murphy's Law, that had we not decided to relocate, that the economic downturn that the entire world is facing might not have occurred at all.]

As often happens with these things, it was only as Katy's due date approached that we saw any action on the house at all. We got two offers as we were about to pull the house off the market to "take a break for baby". Instead, we negotiated a closing date 4 weeks after the due date, imagining that because we are such high-functioning individuals, we would be able to get ourselves organized within a 3 to 4 week period.

It should be said here that I have built up a lot of "moving karma". I have spent most of my adult life jumping in whenever people need a hand moving. I count packing and lifting heavy things among my "special gifts." The truth is, especially when it is not your own stuff, it is easy to put one foot in front of the other and just keep carrying, just keep climbing up and down stairs, just keep putting stuff into boxes, just keep sweating, just keep motivating the crew. To me that is easy. Additionally, I have pretty good spacial relations. I can load/pack a truck. For a while when we were all younger, I had the truck (Chevy Blazer). More recently, I come to a move with my own tape gun, my own markers, my own utility knife and a few screwdrivers and Allen wrenches. I bring packing paper and shrink wrap. If you are my friend or a friend or parent of a friend, or just smart enough to ask, I'll show up and help you move. I can't help it. I can't resist the invitation. I think it is one of the ways that God wants to use me here on this earth.

So, in a long weekend (a holiday weekend dedicated to an explorer who brought about the slaughter of a nation of indigenous people) my stash of karma has been used up, wiped out, the scales have been tipped. From now on, when I help people move it will be less of a mitzvah and more of a "paying if forward"/"paying it back" maneuver.

Essentially, while we were in the hospital- on the day that ML had his seizures, and the days he spent in the ICU- about a dozen of our peeps (primarily from the softball team) packed our house. They packed and cleaned and project managed the move. The movers were met, directed and paid. The new house was cleaned and painted and cleaned some more. We are still no where near done, but these people are amazing.

The people that are related to us are amazing, but the people that are in it irrespective of "blood", they are something else all together. My sister said it best when she said, "What did you do exactly to deserve these friends?!?" I don't know, exactly. But whatever it was, it was worth it!!!

If you are reading this any or all of you, I want you to know that this changes everything. This last week to some extent, katy and I have been broken wide open: holding our tiny, sick son; missing our other little boy; feeling scared and overwhelmed and exhausted; held up by people who did everything they could to take the pressure off: followed us on facebook, sent loving messages, said prayers, put our names on the prayer lists at church, showed up at the hospital to make sure we ate and slept some, mowed our lawn so it looked nicer for the new owners, PACKED AND MOVED US!!!

This changes everything because, there's no way really to repay or say thank you. We can barely do anything except sit in this moment. We sit in quiet humility attempting to honor all of you: trying not to feel embarrassed and inadequate; focusing instead on feeling lucky and blessed and saved.

We are humbled by your friendship and generosity. We're afraid we can never adequately communicate and you might never really know how thankful we are and what this has meant to us. So, we will try to communicate it and will try to pay it forward as best we can... in a way that compounds your gifts to us and your friendship and love.

Thank you. For helping us get home.

Life at 4 weeks old

Dear ML,



You are four weeks today. Good god, son, you have really given us a scare this week.

We have been at the hospital since Thursday morning. And we still don't even have much of a clue.

We thought it would be 48 hours, to rule out a bacterial infection, but then when your fevers finally broke, you started having some seizures. You had 12 seizures on Saturday and they moved you to the PICU and started you on anti seizure medication. You have had 2 rounds of antibiotics and are on an antiviral now.

You have had an LP, blood and urine cultures, several IVs, an EEG, a CT scan of your head and abdomen, and tonight an MRI.

They are ruling our really scary things, but for now, the medication has stopped the seizures, and you have no fever, and you are eating and sleeping appropriately and peeing and pooping, etc. You have even gained weight during your stay, while eating a combination of your mama's breast milk, and formula.

The big things we are still worried about are: 1) a specific viral meningitis, 2) a viral encephalitis, 3) Inborn error of metabolism. The EEG showed some seizure activity but that was consistent with your age. Your head MRI ruled out structural abnormalities in the brain that might cause seizures, but the preliminary results showed some "white matter changes" which are indicative of infection (in other words, encephalitis)... We don't know what this means yet, but they are pretty much all ready treating you for a virus like this.

Being with you through all of this has been scary and exhausting. But revealed the blessings in our lives too.

Your brother is staying with your TT, Bill, and Nana and Papa (even though they don't live together, this is like a group operation) We have missed him so much, but he is distracted and doing pretty well without us. And we don't have to worry about him at all because he is so well taken care of. We have been with you around the clock or have had family sitting with you while we rest, eat, and take anxiety reducing walks.

It seems like there might have been a better way to get all this special "family time" with you, but it's not up to us to dictate these things I guess. We love you so much and your mommies are taking turns falling apart and holding it together. We think in a few weeks, this will all seem like a distant memory, but right now, that seems like too much to hope for.

Keep hanging in there, little boy. You are truly surrounded by love.

Holding you close to us,
Your mommies

At the womb whisperer's request...

A lot of f%&#ing batshittery has happened in the last 7 days...

We have not posted b/c we have been trying to keep our heads above water. It's nothing earth shattering or devastating- if you sprint back 30 yards and look at it from a slight distance.

I have a lot to say about some of it, but here's the bulleted quick-notes version:

Monday: just another manic monday

Tuesday: IBO has her baby, 2 days shy of 26 weeks

Wednesday: I fly to St. Louis, spend 5 hours in airports and planes and 4+ hours in a minivan on Missouri highways accompanied by a quorum of geeks and rednecks; meanwhile at home, Katy gets a call from day care that JB is projectile vomiting

Thursday: I work a 14 hour day, including a 4 hour drive on MO highways, and lose my cell phone somewhere in St. Louis... JB has stopped puking.

Friday: I take a "nonstop" flight home that has me breathing air in 4 cities, and experiencing 3 take offs and 3 landings in 5 hours... (Feeling naked without my cell and wondering the entire time if I will ever see that totally-unimpressive-to-begin-with cell phone again.) Katy is called by day care in the late morning b/c even though JB spent all of Thursday without any vomiting and seemingly healthy, he is now squirting liquid out the other end. Katy is told that she needs to pick him up before his dysentery-esque symptoms spread to any of the other rug rats and a diarrhea-thon commences. I get home at about 3pm and experience the glorious surprise of having my family home waiting for me. Katy is sweet and JB is asleep. It might have been a kinky lazy afternoon if I didn't have to do a few hours of cell phone recon. Oh well...

Today, I got a new cell phone... oh, it's an iphone... And IBO's baby is hanging tough, impressing his medical team and so far, beating all odds!

The crawl

There is so much going on that the desire to blog consumes me and the actualization of that desire is delusional.

Work is a clusterfuck horror-show right now. We've been experiencing chaotic institutional change and threats that are imagined, perceived, and alarmingly real. Obviously, the details are too ripe to post here, but take my word for it: SNAFU of the highest order. "Fight-flight" and the power-charge you get from an emergent challenge take you far for about 5 weeks. I've been working all day, coming home and powering up the laptop until well after bedtime.

At the beginning, I was even in good spirits about it - it's been like a slow code and I do miss the old days of hanging blood, cracking ribs, and pushing epinephrine. But now, my brain is turning to mush and my psyche is pretty badly dinged up. I keep my wits about me, literally. Keeping my team laughing is probably my central purpose at this point, but every day brings another detail that is essentially no laughing matter. If you had told me a few months ago what would be going on right now, I would have laughed, slapped your ass, and told you to shove off. Needless to say, I have needed to put a lot more time and energy into work. But more than hours, the shit there is practically always on my mind. It's a veil over my head and I'm distracted by it all the time. Entire 8 or 10 hour work days go by without me having the mental where-with-all to call home. (Not the literal, physical "home" we live in [no one is there during the work day], but the day care or the cell phone that katy carries around when she takes my "home/heart" out into the world.)

Katy is holding down the fort of sanity right now. Trouble is, she is physically compromised due to the fig-sized fetus that we planted inside of her several weeks ago. We have been trying to keep it a little mum, but now that Mackenzie knows about it, the cat is pretty much out of the bag. Always in the form of a question, she knows all and tells the world as much:

Mac 7 weeks ago: "Why are you toasting? Why are you saying congratulations to katy? Why? what's going on?"
Mac 4 weeks ago: "Where is Katy? Why is katy home? Why is katy sleeping? Why does Katy's belly hurt her?"
Mac 1 week ago: "You have a baby in there?" "You're having a baby?" "The baby makes you sick?" "You are having a baby grow in your belly?" "Katy has a baby?" "What's the baby's name?"

We will hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat on Tuesday. And then we will welcome the unadulterated sigh of celebratory planning.

As eluded to above, Katy has been feeling craptastic. Puking, dry heaves, queasy and everything like that. She is falling asleep on the couch at about 7 or 8pm daily. Then she wakes up, and heads to bed between 9 and 10pm beckoning me to accompany her.

Aside from being puky, she is physically warm- a veritable incubator. When i crawl into bed next to her, the temperature is shocking. It is so unusual for her to be throwing this much heat, that I sometimes imagine a hatted, southpaw fetus, spitting fluid and getting ready for the big show.

Today, after a wicked work week capped off by a very fun but kind of crazed-paced Saturday, it rained. It rained the kind of cold rain that should be snow. The kind of cold rain you expect in February. Rain that is 2 or 3 degrees too warm to ice over busy highways. Two years ago, rain like that on a Sunday would have put my wife and me under covers watching movies in bed all day.

Today we had the 1.5 year old to entertain. We putzed and played and grew a tiny bit bored and at some point threw our swimsuits on under our sweats and headed out to the pool. That's right, we belong to a pool. I know what you're thinking, "but we've never heard you speak of 'the pool' before???" When I was pregnant with JB (and even before that) we swam quite a bit- we went to the pool a few times a week to swim laps. And then the pregnancy progressed, and then the c-section, and then all the breastfeeding, and then the baby was too little, and then katy went back to work, and then I went back to work, and then all the ear infections, and don't forget about the laziness... you get the picture.

For some people this is a no brainer - "Quit the pool!!! JUST STOP SENDING YOUR 40 BUCKS EVERY MONTH!!!" But for us this gets all wrapped up in why we're not more active, and not wanting to give up on fitness and being "ready" to work out if the opportunity presents itself. It's hard to stop spending money on the gamble that you might wake up one day and want to suddenly be a better, healthier person.

So we take JB for the first time to the pool that there is no way for him to know he is a member of. It's not the first time he's been in water or a pool, but there is a unique feature of our pool. The kiddie-pool shallow part is a ramp. You walk into it like you are walking into the ocean. Allow me to explain with a visual image that is not really drawn to scale:


The Dark Blue is the regular, larger part of one of the pools (it is longer and wider than it appears here). That pool is 4 to 7 feet deep and the red lines indicate swim lanes. The Yellow is the beginning of the ramp and has water only barely covering your toes. The Green part is 5-7 feet of water that is less than a foot deep, and the Aqua area gradually goes to 2-ish feet as you round the corner and head into the bigger pool. The point of all of this is that JB gets to walk into and around in water that is waist and chest high and doesn't have to be carried all around to explore pool/swimming options.

He started hesitant, but quickly grew to enjoy himself. At first, he wouldn't walk into the water but wanted to be carried. After he realized that he could safely navigate the shallow water, he wanted to explore. Several times he walked right into water that was higher than his mouth or fell completely into water that was a foot deep. We were right there to buoy him up and he came out of the drink every time coughing and sputtering a little, but also laughing.

Watching him in this environment might have been my favorite hour of parenting so far. It was relaxing and simplistic; exciting and mellow. It doesn't hurt that I like the water so much myself. Just being in shallow water with my wife and son made me so happy. For a split second, I wished we had the camera to take photos or video, but I quickly tossed that notion aside. "Be.here.now." I told myself. There was no way to really document these feelings anyway.

JB was beside himself with what can only be described as excited joy. When he ventured out a little bit alone with me, I would point out katy to him. From a distance, he would flail about ecstatic when he caught a glimpse of her. When she had him and his eyes re-located me, he would excitedly slap his chest like a gorilla. But mostly we were all three together. We passed him back and forth, log-tossed him a little. Put him on a kick-board, let him hang on to our floating toes... He put his face in the water, tried to imitate me blowing bubbles, he got on his belly to "swim", he got on his back and "kicked", he held onto my neck and rode on my back as I took him into the bigger pool. By the end, he was walking in an out pretty independently. Then, he was jumping from a seated position and then standing position into my arms off the side of the pool. I couldn't have been prouder if he suddenly counted to 100. It was nothing but fun. And I guess if we needed to quantify it, totally worth the year and 1/2 of membership dues that we obligingly paid despite not using the facilities.

My first (and likely only) Presidential Inauguration

The ten worst parts of the day:

1) The panic I experienced after I realized we could not get through the "purple" gate to get to "silver" gate without traversing the highway.

2) The several (hundred) moments of no cell phone service. (I'm absolutely convinced they scrambled service and claimed "high volume" was responsible. We all had lots of bars, but no service - very scary in a mob scene.)

3) The over 240 minutes that we were literally trapped on the mall.

4) The cold.

5) The fucking crazy cold.

6) The brief moment Katy lost her shit and started crying because she was so cold.

7) The moment a few hours later when I thought I might start crying because I was so cold.

8) The moment we were too polite (read: too stupid) to accept the offer of a woman who had two "extra" chemical-pouch "hand warmers".

9) The police officers barking vague, unhelpful orders from their heated cars about which direction the mobs of people should turn to reverse their course.

10) Justice John Roberts completely effing up the official oath... Seriously? you only have one job here, dude!


The ten "kind of messed up" but also kind of awesome parts of the day:

1) Getting onto the metro in the dark, before 6am eagerly anticipating what the day might bring.

2) Walking through the 3rd Street tunnel (where normally only cars are allowed) to get to the "silver" gate with about 5000 other people. I was silently panicking and a little convinced that we were going to be trapped in that tunnel for several hours.

3) The split second I thought the 21-cannon salute was an unplanned explosion.

4) Weeping during Rick Warren's prayer - would that he could live out that prayer and leave the gays alone.

5) When the crowd broke through the plastic fence, leading us to the capital reflecting pool.

6) When the only police officer in the vicinity tried to single-handedly thwart the advancing crowd of at least 1000 silver ticket holders from creeping up toward the front of the reflecting pool (through the above-mentioned plastic fence) using only his "I'm-your-father-that's-why" voice... And then finally gave up the fight 3-5 minutes later when he realized the insanity of what he was up against, choosing instead to suggest, "Walk. Don't run." Then he stepped out of the way and let us claim better seats. It was a tense, intriguing stand off.

7) Aretha Franklin's hat

8) The time I spent wondering if George HW Bush and Dick Cheney had a celebrity death match that left Bush limping and Cheney in a wheelchair.

9) The awkwardness and uncertainty I felt as at least 7 choruses of "na-na na-na, na-na na-na, hey hey hey, goodbye" were sung when GWB entered the arena for the last time as POTUS.

10) Packed shoulder to shoulder, stomach to back with the crowds of people larger than I could have ever imagined. Feeling a lot of pushing and shoving and frustration, but never really experiencing any hate or anger, practically nothing but common ground.

The ten best parts of the day:

1) Honoring the ritual of the "blood-less coup" that is the hallmark of our government and nation.

2) The 21 cannon salute that instantaneously followed Obama's oath of office. (Very cool!)

3) The multitude of black faces that paraded through the chamber and out onto the platform of the capital... Dignitaries and emissaries of a darker hue have been too painfully absent from our nation's ceremonies.

4) The tears that warmed my freezing face. This president makes me cry when he speaks. My heart trusts him.

5) Spending the day with Sarah and Graham.

6) The life-saving popcorn.

7) The soul-saving hot chocolate.

8) The indescribably amazing, "smart-wool", hiking socks I bought for the event at HTO

9) Realizing that I cared more that Barack Obama was president than that GWB is no longer president.

10) People, millions of people congregating peacefully - almost lovingly - in exceedingly stressful conditions for a thrilling event.

Shout out to our hosts, Marnie and David who not only made this weekend possible for us, but are also responsible for that fact that Sarah and Graham were our there with us today.

Recapping Rachel's Recap

There's some crazy shit going on out there. But if you don't have the time to pay attention, just check in every now and again with my girlfriend, R. Maddow\.

1) "Warning add": Vote for McCain or you will die... Classy. And such a "change" from politics as usual

2) The "hoax" perpetrated by McCain staffer, Ashley Todd, who reported to police that she was attacked by a large, black, Obama supporter who physically and sexually assaulted her and carved a "B" in her face with a knife... Unfortunately, in addition to the many inconsistencies in her story, when she carved the "B" into her own flesh, she forgot that looking in the mirror would make the B appear backwards.

3) The announcement that $150,000 was put out for Sarah Palin's wardrobe, and the highest paid staffer on the McCain campaign pay role is Gov. Palin's traveling make up artist: $22,000 in 2 weeks.

4) Joe McCain, John's brother was recorded calling 9-1-1 to complain and try to get info about traffic. Then he cursed at the dispatch operator and called back later to complain.

---------------------------

On the flip side, Barack Obama's grandmother is sick. I wonder how sick she must be for him to go there now. I'm sure it is related to the fact that my gram was hospitalized this week, but this news has affected profoundly. I am very sad for Senator Obama that he might lose his grandmother at this pivotal time in his life. I am praying that she lives to see him elected.

I hesitate to say that so nonchalantly. So I'll say this... He is leading in all polls. It looks to be the largest margin of victory in many, many presidential elections. But there is a lot of concern about voter fraud and the security of this election seems questionable. There's shouting and murmuring from both sides, but seriously, I will be rioting in the streets if this shit goes all wrong...

The week in review

Last Sunday, we went to church, finished staging our insanely clean abode for the impending open house, went back to church for the first of 3 "new members" classes we have been trying to take for several years, and then packed several bags to vacate the house for the rest of the day for the (previously mentioned) open house.

We then went for an amazing hike. We were outside in some of the nicest fall weather for just under 2 hours, my sister, bro-in-law, nieces, papa, son, wife and I taking turns carrying and pushing kids, huffing, puffing, resting, taking pictures, and breathing it all in.

Today, katy and I considered that it might have been that hike and that sweaty, breezy, outside time getting our heart rates up just that little bit, spending time in nature with family that prevented us from falling to pieces during the events of the next 5 days.

On my way out the door this past Monday, I got a call from work that JayCo - the credentialing body for our institution was coming for their unannounced survey... They don't tell you they are coming except the morning of their arrival one can find a post on their website revealing who will be surveyed that day. That's how we learned, "JayCo is ON THE WAY!" And so began the 3 day survey we have been anticipating every day since the first of the year. These were days that required my arrival at work in the 7am range and leaving at about 6pm.

On Monday, I came home, bathed the baby, put him to bed and worked until 2 am finishing up a binder of competency trainings I've been "working on" all year. Tuesday, I missed seeing the baby before bed by 10 minutes. But then hit the sack by 9pm.

Wednesday, when it was almost over, Katy got a call from day care to learn that JB had a temp of 101. She cancelled her patients, brought him to the doctor, got him on antibiotics and then we rushed home to host book club.

Thursday had me bringing our sick baby (who could not be sent to day care within 24 hours of a fever) and 3/4 of our house to work with me (ie-stroller, pack and play, portable highchair, 3 bags of food and supplies) for half a day. At the midway point of the morning I realized that JB had a raging rash on his trunk... drug allergy? Not sure, but nervous. I called and by 3pm the kid had been to the pediatrician 2 times in less than 24 hours. (Are we good moms or what?!?) At around the point I was noticing his rash, I got a call that my gram was bleeding in places that she shouldn't and was going to the hospital emergency room.

Yesterday was a full day of work. JB back to day care, but me worried about his health b/c we decided to stay on the antibiotics since it didn't really look like a "drug rash". My sister played the part of super aunt so my mom could go to my gram's bedside and Katy and I could attend the fundraiser that we were committed to, playing supporting roles on the "host committee". (Let's just say, we are really into supporting gay rights).

I'm tired.

But I am lucky as hell.
To have the wife I have.
To have this life.

But I am so tired.

Horror shows of the week

1) Did you see that some wingnut shot up the liberals at the Tennesse Valley UU on Sunday morning during church service? I've been meaning to write about this for a few days, but had to calm down a little... As an American and human being, I'm saddened and horrified. As a gay, liberal, UU-ite, I'm a little pissed off. The main stream media is insanely quiet about this news story. If you want to read a little about it, the globe, the times, the knoxville news have some info; but all I can say is can you imagine the coverage if someone went into an evangelical mega-church and did the same thing??? in the name of "liberalism"??? The whole, bible-beating-beltway would be going nutso shaking their fists and plastic fetuses in the air.

As some of you might remember, we joined a UU this year, and when I hear about how the folks down there are responding, I'm a little proud. Also, I have to say, I'm glad that guy survived. Those parishioners took him down alive and- hey, enjoy jail, buddy! Maybe he'll end up in a rubber room, and that's fine by me too. But he went in there intending to keep killing people until he was killed and the gol'dang liberals stood up to protect each other, knocked him over, kicked his gun away, spilled his ammo all over the blood stained floor of their sanctuary, and held him until the poe-poe took him into custody.

2) Meanwhile, in Washington, a new report shows that the justice department under the current administration has been operating as a farm system for conservative lawyers and judges. US assistant attorney generals were fired for not toeing the line and not behaving in a partisan manner (that's old news) but also, hundreds and maybe thousands of applicants were asked questions about their political beliefs and affiliations (and that of their families) and were not interviewed or hired when they were deemed "not conservative enough". These are non-partisan posts, people. This is an egregious breech of protocol and also the um... what's that called again? Oh yeah, the law...
nice.

3) Down the road, at the capital, the House Arms Services Sub-committee was holding the first hearings on DADT in 10 years. John Stewart actually has the best commentary on this fiasco:
"If you've forgotten what the argument against gays in the military sounds like, ENJOY."

Week in review

So much to post... so little time.

Kt is upstairs bathing the boy.
Going back to work has been really pretty smooth, but we are still figuring out how to cram a day's worth of "family time" into 2 or 3 hours at the end of the day. Kt and I keep getting into these bickering incidents that escalate into real anger before we are able to laugh off the insanity of what we are even disagreeing on.

Sleep is variable: Saturday thru Tuesday, he was up at either 1:30 or 2:30 am and then again around 5am. Last night, he slept 9pm to 5:30 am.

The day care aspect of returning to work is amazing in the amount that we are not freaking out. I feel comfortable that he is well taken care of even though I miss him and can't wait to get back and make him laugh by yelling "BOO" or nudging him off his side with my sock-covered foot. (The kid will giggle at anything.)

I think the day care workers get a little bullshit from all parents, in terms of, "Please don't feed little Penelope until she blinks three times after grabbing at her right sock for more than 30 seconds, as long as it is in between noon and one... If it is after 1pm, she will only blink twice indicating her bottle readiness..."

They (the workers) seem a little tense about "doing the right thing."

I'm sure we will have our moments too, but yesterday, we were told they were concerned about his "fussiness" when he wouldn't take a bottle...

me: was he crying
day care worker number one: no, just fussy, but he only took 2 oz
me: that's okay
dcw#1: well, he didn't seem to want to eat...
me: but he ate later, right?
dcw#1: yes, the rest of the bottle...
me: okay. We're okay with that...

If he misses a meal, we're okay with that... he'll eat when he's hungry.