Crazy talk and non-sensical rage

Milo's language skills have exploded.
Finally the kid can practically get his point across.  He has so many thoughts and ideas but they are generally not recognizable by English speakers.  Lately though, he is spilling over with impressive vocab and compound sentences.  Today at a red light he told me:

"Red means 'stop' and yellow means 'slow' and green means 'go'."
He has known this for a long time, but could only get out a word at a time. 
"YELLOW!" He'd scream as I blew through an intersection.

At some point in July, the kid was in the back seat of the car and he was stammering and stuttering trying to tell me something very important (perhaps that a tow truck had passed us) and finally he slapped his hands on his knees and shouted, "I'm tryin' TALK-TELL YOU SOMETHING-CAN'T!!!" I felt so bad and fed him a few lines to repeat: "Say, 'There's a red truck.'" He repeated it perfectly. "Say, 'There's a blue car'."  Again, flawless. He nodded at me in what I perceived to be a "Thank you" and calmed down.
 
As I've mentioned, he is somewhat strong-headed and wickedly intelligent, but he can be lazy with pronunciation.  He tends to eliminate "s"s completely.  So when he's asking for one of his favorite songs "Stuck like glue" and he insistently implores, "I WANT UCKLIKEGLUE!!!" I spend the next 45 seconds making him repeat, 'cause I still have nofah king idea what he's saying. 

When i finally figure it out, I"m like, "Milo,  stay 'SSSSssssssstuck'..."
"SSSSssssstuck."
So okay, he can say it.  He just frequently opts out.

Last week he asked Katy, "Did you get that out of the cabinet?" As clear as can be- like that was the most normal thing in the world for a 2 year old to say. 

She looked at me and asked, "Did he just say 'cabinet'?"
"Yes.  Yes he did."

In addition to improving his speech, Milo's been teething for what seems like forever, and drooling and sticking fingers and whatever he can find into his mouth.  "Get your fingers out of your mouth," is my most frequently uttered directive.  In our house (despite two Master's prepared nurses running the show) there is astounding ignorance related to germ theory.  No matter how many times I explain about all of the various nastiness that can be on the bottom of our shoes, I can count on both of my boys to absent-mindedly scan their digits over every square milometer of their sneakers and Crocs, just to pass the time.  Then everyone acts shocked when I'm screaming "GET YER DISGUSTINGLY DIRTY FINGERS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!!"

Today, I guess Milo was a little sick of my badgering, but he showed me- just skipped the middleman entirely and went right to the source:

Mommy: (unsuccessfully trying to hide her disgust) GET YOUR SHOE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!!
Milo: NOOOOOOooooooo!!!
Mommy: RIGHT NOW!
Milo: (growling) I'm gonna bite you in the baby room!
Mommy: WHAT?!?
Milo: (mumbling) I'm gonna bite you in the baby room...
Mommy: (softer and in a more serious tone) Milo, we don't threaten to bite people when we are angry...
Milo: YOU ARE DANGEROUS!
Mommy: You have no idea...

The kid is nuts.  But there is nothing I don't love about him.






Comparing how these two watch TV says a lot...

Keeping time

Work has been horrific in these last few weeks.
Hyperbole is the word you are searching for to describe the tactic used in the previous sentence.
Let's try again... Work has been exhausting in the last few weeks: In that, "i feel blessed to be employed and have a job where I am valued, challenged, growing, and well compensated" kind of way.  I'm just spent, and not getting all that I want to do done- neither at work nor at home... and I'm staying up too late to compensate for the lack of sufficient hours in the day; but that is contributing to the extreme fatigue.

Last weekend, I tried to ignore my professional side completely.  It worked pretty well.  After spending the day on Saturday with the boys- enjoying life, hiking, laughing, eating ice cream, soaking in the warmth and comfort of the sun, I spent Sunday trying not to batter my kids.

I'm not saying that lightly.  I have wonderful, amazing children that I adore; that I would move heaven and earth to keep from harm's way...  But I have to admit, nearly 5 years into this parenting gig, I understand child abuse in a way I never did before.  Sometimes it takes all of your intellect and powers of reasoning, all of your coping skills, all of your spirituality and fear of hell and law enforcement officials to help keep you from inflicting corporal punishment.  Sometimes you have to hide the belts and the wooden spoons from yourself, and keep your hands busy...

Sunday was that kind of day.  The kids were just incorrigible.  They were obstinate and whiny and ruthlessly disobedient.  Jake got 5 time outs before 11 am.  Milo was spitting and hitting and picked up a terra-cotta flower pot over his head in the most intentional and menacing way.  I moved quickly towards him trying to sternly but calmly talk him out of.  He gave me a little grin and threw it to the ground with all his might.

The day ended with the version of our bedtime ritual that does not involve a bit of TV (that had long since been punitively removed from the menu of options): PJs, brush teeth, read book, say prayers, sing a song... We got to the part where they each get a small sip of water (the final step, the part that lets them know, "day is done") and the brothers began fighting about who would take the first sip.

I am careful to alternate this ritual, but I couldn't remember whose turn it was, and the whining and protesting was instantaneous.

Jake: (bursting into sudden, over-dramatic hysterics) I WANT THE FIRST SIP OF WATER... I WANT TO GO FIRST!!!
Milo: (in full blown imitation mode) I WANT THE FIRST SIP OF WATER... I WANT TO GO FIRST!!!
me: (so tired of this silly shit and the fake crying) Work it out boys.  You tell me who is getting the first sip... If you can't agree, then no one gets any water.

They each stood their ground, repeating their identical request/demand to be first.  I counted to 3 and offered one more chance.

"I GO FIRST" they wailed in unison.

I appealed to Jake one last time:  "Should your brother get the first sip? or should no one get any water?"

10 or 20 seconds passed while he considered his move: "No one!" He replied in what would be the day's final triumphant stand of quiet (possibly) stoic assholery.  Milo seemed confused, but did not have the debate skills to negotiate anything further with either of us...

I walked away silently wishing them well, "Enjoy the cotton-mouth, suckers!" I would have said if my sense of humor was not also dehydrated.

"WTF was that?" I thought over and over in my review of the day.  Where did we go wrong?!?

Today, we had friends over for dinner.  The boys were really well-behaved and sweet.  At bedtime (48 hours from the close of one of my top-10 least favorite days I've ever had as a parent) I had this conversation:

Milo: I wear your watch, Mommy?
Me: okay.  (I put the too big watch on him and start singing) Good night my angel, now it's time to sleep and save these questions for another day
Milo (checking the watch and then whispering) 8 O'clock!
Me: (singing) I think I know what you've been asking me... I think you know what I've been trying to say...
Milo: (checking the watch, another whisper) 6 O'clock
Me: (singing and suppressing giggles) And like a boat out on the ocean... I'm rocking you to sleep
Milo: (checking, another little whisper) 9 O'clock

-----------
Then, in between songs I sang while tucking in Jake...

Jake: Mom, when onions make you cry, do you think that's just their way of protecting themselves?
Me: Hmm...(trying not to laugh, lest he thinks I'm laughing AT him) It makes sense that that might be part of it, huh?
Jake: Yeah... a lot of plants and animals have all kinds of ways to protect themselves...
Me: (clutching my proud and overworked heart) Yup

I guess they do really listen. 

Check your list twice...

While discussing gift-giving, and gift-receiving etiquette, something goes awry...

Jake: I hope Santa keeps a list... Because if I, like, ask for a Batman gift and he brings me, say, a Dora thing, I'll be like, "dude, I didn't ask for Dora..."

Today in creepy kid wisdom...

I have become increasingly amazed at the introspective power of children in general, but also toddlers in particular.

It's more than that thing that will make a child look at someone with bad acne and say,
"why do you have all those red dots on your face?"

Or size up a person of small stature and inquire,
"So, are you a midget or something?"

I'm talking about when a kid is trying to label and understand the world and they come up with an explanation that is at once S-I-M-P-L-E and COMPLETELY profound. Jake does this over and over again, with such frequency and such little fanfare that I can never even remember the examples or conversations. But I have witnessed him capture the essence of "human fears" and "economics" and "relationships" with dialogue that was not parroting of adult explanations but instead an application of some previously internalized concept to a different or more abstract situation...

Boy: We take good care of our friends right?
Mom: yes!
Boy: And we share with them...
Mom: yes...
Boy: But people we don't know might be our friends?
Mom: yes...
Boy: And we should be nice even if they aren't our friends...
Mom: Yes!
Boy: I would share my snack with anyone that needed it. But if my friends needed more snack, I would have to save some for them and me- and not just strangers...
Mom: well...
Boy: What if people take our stuff and then we can't share with friends
Mom: Um...
Boy: Sometimes people that are mean are just sad...
Mom: huh? (wondering if I ever told him this or if he is coming up with this on his own)
Boy: Like Doc Hudson was in Cars... about his accident...
Mom: (sigh) yes
Boy: He wasn't Lightning's friend, but then he was after...
Mom: Yup.
Boy: Sometimes, it's like everybody is our friend, but also, everybody is not our friend.
Mom: (holy shit!) yes... essentially.

That is a compilation and not an actual conversation, but people wonder why I say things like, "yes... essentially" to my kids. It's because if you are going to give me some Gandhi-esque sound bite, I'm not going to reply, "You're so silly, boo-boo-bear!"

This morning it was a slightly different twist...

First of all, Milo AVOIDED ALL THE PUDDLES IN THE DRIVEWAY!!! Katy and I have been working on this, with (occasionally) painstaking patience. We've tried to teach and show him that there is a time for PUDDLE JUMPING and a time for NOT puddle jumping. This morning, we implored, "Please AVOID the puddles, Milo!" and he did a soft shoe around them walking carefully as if solving a puzzle.

Both moms were thrilled and tripping over ourselves to take credit for teaching him to be this amazing and then we quickly swapped saying, "No, it was you honey... You are the reason he is so wonderful!!!"

At that point while we were giggling with each other near the front of the car, we overheard some absent-minded muttering in the back seat:
Moms: What, Jakey?
J: You know what Syndrome says on the Incredibles?
Moms: No, what?
J: "When everyone is super... no one will be."
Moms: huh?
J: Syndrome says, (with more emphasis on each word) "When everyone is super, no one will be"
Moms: (blinking at each other silently)
T: (to katy) Of 115 minutes of movie, THAT's the line that sticks with him on an average morning on his way to school?!? (laughter)
K: (to me) You're the one that planted your creepy "dark" poignancy in him...

The eyes have it

Getting ready to leave the house this AM was a typically hectic dance. The boys were up and down, running around. I put JB's coat on and when I turned to put ML's on, JB had taken his off. The climax of anxiety for me came when we stepped outside and a dump truck driving by commanded both boys' thorough attention. I didn't know if ML was going to run into the road after it, or tear off for the largest puddle in the driveway. Puddle-jumping is one of his favorite past times and after 3 days of rain, this mother-loving puddle would have necessitated a complete costume change.

I ran after them and wrassled them into their car seats; the tiny and unpredictable Senór Destruction always gets restrained before the elder. I strapped in ML, handed him a plush puppy, and moved around to the other side of the car.

While I buckled in JB there was some insistent yapping coming from Senór. I effectively ignored him and buckled myself in before I looked back at him...

ML: EYE! EYE! EYE!

In my defense, it sounded like gibberish. But when I looked at him, he was pointing at his puppy's EYE, and shouting the word with perfect diction: "EYE! EYE! EYE!"

Me: YAY!!! ML!!! GREAT JOB!!! ML said the word 'Eye'!!! Everyone cheer for ML!!!

JB: (Not to be outdone and in a neutral tone that will either make him a lot of friends some day, or get him labeled a teacher's-pet-know-it-all) Mom, does he mean like an "I" like you write with? Or an eye that you see with?!?

I wanted to roll my eyes, but that is pretty smart and pretty funny, right? Except that ML was poking the dog right in the eye... so if you are a "smart" three and 1/2 year old, you shouldn't have to ask this...

Also, it is sneaking up on us, but ML is starting to talk!!!
Hooray!!!

iPhone4 vs HTC Evo

I watched this video on my iPhone. Laughing to tears while leaning oddly near the window and pointing the device awkwardly toward the the one corner of my office that allows me to stream a little video if it's not too rainy and it's not too sunny outside.

Overheard at bedtime

After several bedtime stories, including the one about the Little Nutbrown Hare.
Katy tucked JB into bed, with parting words of love, she offered:

KT: I love you to the moon and back.
(pause, pause)
JB: I love you to the neighbor's house...

Sometimes I swear this kid says anything just to shut us up!!!

The great state of Texas

I'm on a trip to San Antonio to attend a work-related conference.

I like to get out into the world and see things and people. It's especially fun to do it in such a way that "sightseeing" is secondary to the "J-O-B" that is funding the trip. There is not a lot of pressure to see or DO IT ALL on these types of trips; doing or seeing a few small things will suffice.

And even though it is strange to be "alone" in an unfamiliar place, the voyeur in me relishes the people-watching opportunities the circumstance provides. It would be truly creepy to do this at home, but on this trip I got to shut my mouth and just watch people, without judgment, without agenda.

When I landed in Texas on Tuesday at around 4pm, I got my ass to the taxi stand, checked into the hotel, changed my clothes and "raced" on foot to the Alamo. I stopped at this place:

It was full of collectibles for adults:


And some for small children:



Also, there were a few stuffed animals:




Then I arrived at the Alamo, I was excited, about to check this off the "list of things to do in San Antonio if you are able". I snapped a photo:



When I stepped inside, I was staring in my own personal Chevy Chase/ National Lampoon's vacation movie. The park ranger announced less than 40 seconds after my arrival, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Alamo is now closed... Please make your way to the exit." The timing of it made me lol.

Making a 2 year old play "Taboo"

Katy is walking JB out this AM thru the garage where our garbage cans are stored in this humid weather.

JB: (imitating the tone of a 13 year old who is disgusted by the conditions of his free room and board...) It STINKS!

Katy: (alarmed by his tone) That is not how we say it.

JB: (a sweetly spoken explanation) When I put my nose in the air, it didn't smell good.

-------
BAaahaahahhahahahhahah.

Because he communicates so well, I do think we are a little hard on him. I think he is just starting to use words and doesn't really understand about "tone" or sounding rude or harsh... Yet, that's our job, to teach him manners. We can't let him learn the words and speak however he wants and then in a few months or years try to teach him inflection separately...

Still, sometimes he must really be thinking, "These fishes got a lot of rules."

Fun with English: "Jelly"

Scene ONE:

JB: (While brushing his teeth, he notices my spiker ice hair sculpturing gel that's sitting on the bathroom sink. He stops brushing and points with his toothbrush): Mom, you jelly up your hair with that?

Me: yup. That's right.

Scene TWO:

I sometimes use a "pretending game" that I learned at JB's gymnastics class as a way to distract him. Pantomiming painting the bottom of his feet, on one foot I spread "peanut butter" and on the other foot I spread "jelly", then I "stick" them together and pretend to nibble.

Tonight, i did that twice and then said, "How about 'ham' and 'mustard'?" I started to spread the ham on one foot and he stopped me...

JB: NO, jelly!
Me: Jelly and peanut butter? Again?
JB: (giggling) No, "Jelly" and "BEANS"

Happy Easter!

It will be a big day today. ML's dedication at church. Lots of peeps
there with us and at our house after. I'm going to bed late b/c I'm
trying to be less behind the eight ball later...

(eye roll).

Speaking of peeps, we bought a cake for dessert, but this was my big
project as a home made sweet treat.

(photos to follow.)

UPDATE: Photos are here!!!

Sent from my iPhone

Perfection

This is why I love You tube... tell me this isn't art- high quality hilarity- that never had a forum or outlet until Feb 2005

The (tiny) Godfather

For about a 1/2 a year, we have been getting JB to lend us his ear by telling him, "I have a secret I want to tell you."

We tell him we have a secret and he brings his ear dutifully near the secret-bearer's mouth.

Then one of his moms whispers the secret: "I love you."

His response varies.
Sometimes, he giggles and says, "No, mommy."
Sometimes he nods and says, "yeah."
Sometimes he thrills us with a return whisper: "I love you too."

We've done it over and over again and sometimes he even tells us the secret unprompted.

Tonight, JB told his brother, "ML, I have a secret I want to tell you..."

I wasn't there, but Katy told me... She waited, excitedly. She smiled at the adorableness she knew she was about to witness...

JB leaned his lips close to his 4 month old brother's ear and whispered:

"Big. Brother."

(Baaaaaaaahahahah ahhahahahhahahhaha.)

Not exactly sure his point, but it seemed like it might have been some kind of warning.

--------------------------
UPDATE: He's done it a few more times now, and the secret JB seems to be whispering is:
"I'm your big brother."

blog post - telegram style

So much to write...

Too tired to write.

Been up too late all week.

There's drama at our day care.

JB's getting 2 more molars, but we are still worried about his ears.

He is talking a ton now and has been wearing underwear for 2 days now (except at night) with no accidents today.

ML is Mr. Mellow. We like to rock him to sleep. (we were harder on his brother at this age) but tonight, we wrapped him and let him fall asleep on his own... He did it no problem-o. This kid could win an Olympic award for sleeping thru the night (knock on wood). If he didn't sleep this good, I might be suicidal...

Christmas cards more than 1/2 done.

No Christmas decs up yet.

Snow expected tomorrow.

I stacked a whole bunch of shit miles high to fit our 2 cars into the garage.

It might be worth the extra hundred grand in a mortgage if we don't have to scrape this winter...

I dare you not to smile at this:



:)

nite.night.

What his Mama's been training him for

This morning in the car...

JB: Mommy what's that?
me: What?
JB: That (pointing to something behind me that I can't see.)
me: I don't know, babe... what do you see?
JB: Buckle!
me: the seat belt??? (I realize I don't have mine on)
JB: Yes. Seat belt. Safety first, Mommy.
me: Thanks, JB (I buckle my seat belt, having been reprimanded by a not quite 26 month old.)

At least we are doing ONE thing right!?!

Just because time is flying by...

I'm too tired at night to blog about all the things that I think about during the day.

But so much has happened in the world lately:

1. Sonia Sotomayor - nominated for to be justice of the SCOTUS
2. Prop 8 upheld by the California Supreme Court
3. The gays have taken to the streets as a result
4. Dick Cheney has taken to the airwaves (This guy hid in a secret location and wouldn't confirm or comment on even his own name for 8 years, now he seeks the spotlight like an Elvis impersonator in Vegas.)
5. Dr. George Tiller (a Kansas doctor that spent the better part of his adult life a target of violence; having been shot in both arms in 1993 and attacked when his clinic was bombed) was gunned down in his church last Sunday. He was one of only 3 abortion providers in the US who was trained and able to perform an abortion beyond 21 weeks gestation.
6. New Hampshire just joined Maine, Iowa, Vermont, Connecticut, and Massachusetts to become the 7th state to enact marriage equality for Gays and lesbians. (California was the 2nd, but the advancement was reversed when a slim majority passed proposition 8 last November, adding a constitutional amendment that defined "Marriage" as only between "one man and one woman".)
7. Miss California's 15 minutes of fame seems to finally be up.
8. Newsweek Magazine has totally fucked up its entire format and where it used to be my little weekly news candy, is now exceedingly distasteful to me, like a fungus that has grown on my big toe
9. Nine houses have sold in a 1.5 mile radius of our property in the last 4 weeks
10. Our house is not one of them.
11. Softball season has begun.
    

I have a lot of feelings about most of the above items. I would like to write a post on each; but I will likely not get to it (You're saved.)

I have a lot to write about how much JB and katy are changing. He with stronger language skills and a higher capacity for cognitive analysis of the world around him... She with the belly and "bean v2.0".

I will find the time to write about that, but not tonight.

I leave you with 3 of the funniest Internet snippets I have seen in a while.

One about a slippery slope:



And one about understanding the religious history that has brought us to the place where that slippery slope is a constant fear for some in our society.



And one is for geeks everywhere:



Think about it!

This Kid is definitely related to me...

I hate when my feet are under covers too.
Adorable.

Oh, I got her pregnant

K: (In a thrilled, tremulous voice) Oh my god the most amazing thing happened to me today!
T: (eagerly) oh yeah? Do tell...
K: I was eating my peanut butter and banana for breakfast, and there was a chocolate chip in the peanut butter and i didn't even know that it was in there until it was in my mouth.
T: (staring lovingly)
K: it was hidden in the middle of the peanut butter, and then it was just magically in my mouth.
T and K: (laughter)

This is the second trimester for Katy... After months of puking and gagging, she recently said to me, "Food has never tasted this good." To which I replied, "Welcome to my entire life." It was a little magical moment like when Willy Wonka opens the doors to his chocolate factory to poor, underfed Charlie and shows him the chocolate river and the production capacity of an oompa loompa workforce.

Last night she sat on the couch spooning chocolate chips directly into the chunky peanut butter jar and then dipping a tablespoon in to bring both delicacies into her mouth, and today, she found a leftover nugget.

Moving on to bigger news...

We had the ultrasound. If you know us on facebook (or in real life) this is old news, but to all GSO fans, the baby she is growing is looking good. The brains and heart, the bones and bladder and liver and circulation all are awesome. Measuring just a little bit bigger than dates, all looks great. (Including the dangly bit that makes him a BOY!) We are thrilled. Of course we would be thrilled if he had been a she, but since the news came to us last Thursday, we have been reviewing the top 3 reasons this is perfect for us:
1) We love the name we had for a boy and we don't have one for a girl (no, we're not telling)
2) Seriously, siblings born in the same month of the year, it would be heartbreaking not to be able to use all those adorable hand-me-downs.
3) Our sweet little JB is a pensive thinker, surrounded by loving women and only a handful of men... a brother to protect and who will also watch out for him seems to be the perfect set up!

Katy is 20 weeks tomorrow. Half way through the pregnancy. He's kicking and moving and she's got the cutest little bump. (pics to follow.)

I dare you not to smile...

I'm off from work today... I've got a lot of plans but promised myself that it's okay to fall short on all of them. First on the "low pressure day off" is checking all my favorite blogs, and JMG had this:



Improv everywhere is a group that sets up little skits in public places, actors are volunteers. They usually are just attempting to get smiles out of innocent bystanders.

Hat tip: JMG

How nurses lose their muffins

A former student of mine keeps me laughing with his status updates on facebook.

Yesterday, he sent me an email:

I took care of a 69-year old man, a 5-year resident of (long term care facility). Last night he got hungry, reached over the counter of the nurse's station, and stole a muffin. He aspirated on it and arrested, and now he's brain dead.

Death by muffin. Greatest story ever.

I replied:

It would be the "greatest story ever" if he was dead dead, but he is in fact only brain dead, and that makes the story just "sort of great" and alternatively kind of gruesome.

I am more worried about the nurse manager of (long term care facility) and the "safety" protocols that are now going to have to be written and implemented about pastry consumption on the premises by staff and patients. I wouldn't be surprised if they have to implement a q 15 minute "muffin check" on every patient or a "pat down" of all visitors to the ward, or a change of shift "baked goods count" for the next several months.

Do you see what my job has done to me, I admit I'm dazzled by the death by muffin headline, but it just seems like a lot of paperwork to me...

I've told the story twice, and both times was asked to put it on the blog... sick senses of humor these healh care providers have!