Introduction of "The Bean"

It's been hard blogging lately for several reasons:
1) Extreme Exhaustion
2) Feeling pensive, not witty
3) Don't know how to chit chat without revealing the big secret.

The blog is about to change.
Life is about to change...

There are still people that we haven't told in person who we feel we should tell in person, but I can't really keep it in anymore. So if you are finding out about this on the blog, and you are inclined to think that you should have gotten a phone call or a personal visit, I apologize. In terms of an explanation and a show of remorse, I can only refer you to reason #1 at the top of the page... I am a very tired young woman.

Actually, I'm not tired so much as pregnant.
There. I said it.
Just about 12 weeks along. Due around October 11th. Queasy and tired, but otherwise doing great. Both moms are very excited and "the bean" as we have begun referring to our newly formed fetus is... well s/he is not saying much yet, but my uterus is stretching and the journey begins.

About this time last year, Katy and I were contemplating an IVF cycle after seven failed attempts at insemination with frozen donor sperm. I was seeing a very kind and adorable infertility doctor who put me on clomid and progesterone, and at least once time, injectibles to drive my ovulation. I was getting vaginal ultrasounds 4-7 times per month and blood drawn more often. It didn't seem that bad at the time, but it was a roller coaster of angst. We took some time off from the planning to put our house back in order and around New Year's 2007 started discussing a plan to continue the baby-making quest.

We knew we had one more shot on ice and thought we could A) use that last dose for IVF which had an excellent chance of success for someone like me with supposedly healthy eggs and no obvious "real" infertility issues. Or we could B) Do one more insemination cycle with tall, skinny, anonymous donor boy (tsadb) and then look for some new - hopefully more talented - tadpoles.

We were about to call the cute MD, when we decided on a cheaper solution: Were we to "liberate the swim team" and give it our best shot at home, we could... you know... Do it the "old fashioned way"... in the bedroom... the... um... proverbial and stereotypical "turkey baster" method.

I never thought it would work. And clearly neither did Katy, b/c she let me drink for two consecutive weekends until day-12, post-insemination, I started to feel a little... nauseous.
Seven to ten positive pee sticks later we were like, W.T.F?!? Who could have written this episode and expected the public to buy it???

At that point, my wife started to strut a little. I mean, seriously, can you blame her? Sorry Dr-cutie-pie with all the fancy technology... my girl knows her way around a cervix.

blink.
blink.
blink.

Anyway, we threw this annoying tease out there early in the month. What they have in common is that those are the foods that baby center.com uses to compare the size of an embryo to in the 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th week of gestational life.

FAQs:
1) No, we do not know the gender - it's too early.
2) No, we are probably not going to find out the gender until the delivery
3) Yes, really.
4) Yes, we realize this will make "shopping and decorating" more difficult
5) No, we do not have a name picked out.
6) Yes, our parents and families are very excited.

Will keep you posted! (obviously.)

PS- if you run into my dad's mom, just be aware, I haven't gotten over there to tell her yet, and she doesn't have internet access... And she doesn't know I'm gay... Just kidding, of course she knows I'm gay- she was at the wedding... but she's not much of a cook and doesn't know a thing about turkey basters. I think I might just let her think the doctor was successful... hmm, lots of things to figure out still...

525,600 minutes

Dear Mac,

You're a year old! Yesterday was your birthday, and you spent most of this week with a bad fever, home from day care, breathing heavy, slumped over the shoulder of any of us that got to hold you. You kept your mommy and daddy up because they brought you to their bed at night, and they think you might need your own queen-sized bed for all the moving and twirling around in your sleep that you do. For most of your life so far, you have been a fantastic sleeper! Your parents have kept the bedtime routine pretty standard and it seems to have worked for you. After a bottle and round of goodnight hugs, they put you in your crib, rub your head & back, tell you they love you, and you sleep for the next 10 to11 hours.

It's impossible to think about this last year without thinking of you. And it's nearly as difficult to believe we didn't know you before last year. You have brought so much joy, warmth, and causes to celebrate. I joke that we (Nana, Grandpa, Mommy, Daddy, Aunt Katy, and I) used to get together and chit-chat with one another... now it seems like we get together to sit around and look at you. It's not that we are so obsessed (though some of us are) or that you are particularly special (though, really, you are) it's more that no one wants to miss your firsts. A year goes by fast, and the opportunity to see all that happens to a being in the first year of life holds us transfixed. Your mom said it best when she said about this year, "It wasn't exactly slow, but it didn't exactly fly by either." There was a lot going on all year and your parents handled the adjustments amazingly well- making it seem much easier than I think it was.

We have all done our best not to rush you: When you were a sleeping newborn, not to wish for the time when you would open your eyes and smile. When you were barely mobile, not to wish for you to crawl. I'm still practicing that now as you seem so on-the-verge of language. You have different syllables, different inflections, different levels of urgency and I remind myself to listen and appreciate this phase instead of letting my thought skip to, "I can't wait until you can talk." You recently got moved to the "one-year-old" room in day care, and your mommy told me that when she picked you up, you pointed and grunted and motioned to various things in the new room, wordlessly showing her your new place and the new things it contained.

I think it was around Thanksgiving that you first seemed to understand "a joke". If you heard all of us laughing, you would make a hardy "fake laughing" noise and then glance toward the crowd to see if anyone agreed. We laughed at your adorableness, and then you peeled into genuine giggles.

You have lightened up the world a little, especially for those of us that love you. Grandma Bella has found a little more of her smile because of you. And I swear, sometimes I see Bean's mischievousness in your expressions.

You will never understand the way you changed Nana and Grandpa/Papa (we're still not sure of his name) because you never knew them before. They express themselves in different ways, and wear their hearts on their sleeves, especially around you. They gape and paw at you, caress and stroke you. You break their hearts wide open 6-12 times a week with your hugs and gestures, and stares and giggles and coos. I always think of them as very task oriented and able to do many things at the same time, but they stop time for you and focus in a way that is very endearing to witness.

Your daddy is the bomb. It's no secret that I think your daddy is funny (hilarious) and smart (mostly as evidenced by his marrying your mommy) but he is humble and quiet in his pride of you. He doesn't need to boast or brag- you are YOU and that speaks volumes. You and he are buddies. When you were tiny and would cry while sitting in his arms watching TV, he would turn to you and say, "I know, that (fill in CNN commentator's name) upsets me too, honey." Your daddy is a full time daddy! And you two spend many nights alone together while mommy is away on business. He knows what you like and what you don't and impresses us all with the way he has seemed pleased, but otherwise non-phased at all by the addition of you to his and mommy's life.

Your mommy has also not really changed at all, and yet, become a completely different person. I guess that's a confusing thing to say, but these transformations can be complex and I have seen new parents change so much that you hardly recognize them as the people they were. That's not really the case with your parents. It has been informative and heartwarming to watch them both struggle with decisions that require imagining, debating, and balancing what is best for you.

Aunt Katy and I nicknamed your mom "Zen Mommy" because something about carrying you inside her and having you in her life after your birth made her more present. She became a little softer, more willing to compliment and encourage others (without losing her comedic timing and her witty edge). She shares you quite selflessly- she has this inner confidence and strength that keeps her from needing to be the only one that can comfort you. Sometimes when you fall or cry, she gives you encouragement from an arm's length away and lets you comfort yourself. Sometimes when you are exhausted and falling apart she lets one of us soothe you. It's not that her instincts aren't intact- that she doesn't want to tear down walls to make sure you are safe and secure. It's that she knows that your needs to learn to self-soothe or take comfort from others are as important as her need to always be there for you.

Katy and I have felt lucky to watch and learn from you and your parents. We want you to know that where ever life takes you, we will always be there for you. We will help you find your own path, and encourage, support, and (when appropriate) carry you.

We can't wait to see what happens this next year! We love you very much.
Tracy and Katy

Wide eyed

I've been up for 2 hrs cruising the Internet- mostly looking at other blogs- it's amazing where you can wind up when you click from friends to blogs they read, to blogs they read, to blogs they read. I'm a whore for words and this is the Internet porn I could never have imagined.

I am awake right now because this is the new thing... I wake up at 2 or 3 am with my bladder about to burst, cross-eyed in discomfort b/c it feels like I haven't pee'd in 2 weeks. I almost always bang into walls or furniture in the darkness b/c I'm dizzy, disoriented and can't function until I get the urine out. Then I stumble back into bed and lay there.
Exhausted, I just lay there.
I wait, and sleep evades me...
I attempt meditation, relaxation techniques, body scans, counting sheep, prayer...
I toss, turn, and sigh.
My brain is tired, my body is tired, my newly stubbed toe is throbbing, but my bladder is empty and still, I can't just fall back to sleep.

Two nights ago, I was awake for 2 hours. Last night it was at least that long. Tonight, I got up and turned on the computer after 20 minutes.

Babies, babies, babies on my mind.

Some of our best friends from college have been busy this week:
L and F labored for 72 hours before Amaya finally showed up (with the tiniest bit of surgical intervention.)
LAC delivered her little girl a little after 9pm last night: 3 to 10 hours earlier than i predicted.
Ben and Mackenzie are about to turn one.
March has become very heavily associated with baby production in my mind,
and in my body.

Spousal (lack of) Support

I came home last night and made 2 chicken dinners. The first- BBQ chicken on the Grill- I threw away even though I almost froze my ass off, cooking it in -5 degree wind-chill factors. It looked really good, but it had been marinating for 2 days, and though our homemade BBQ sauce usually smells tangy, I was convinced it was spoiled.

The second chicken dinner attempt was a box of sodium-filled, Betty Crocker Complete Meals: Chicken and Buttermilk biscuits. I bought this nightmare in an unfortunate but unavoidable GSWF episode. (GSWF= Grocery Shopping While Famished). I put the boxed meal in the cart thinking, "this is probably delicious." The final product was not delicious. It was... gross. And while I couldn't bear to put my second and final attempt at a home cooked meal in the trash, I Glad-boxed it and tucked it in the fridge to-be-discarded later.

I had finished my bowl of cheerios when Katy came home looking rather green. I asked her if she wanted something to eat (making my way to the kitchen to sniff the BBQ chicken in the trash- not sure how I would explain this possibly irrational move.) The wife gripped her abdomen, and groaned in what I took to mean "I'll be foregoing dinner this evening." Taking a moment to push the wasted food deeper in the trash, I turned to ask about her day, but in those 60 seconds, she laid on the couch and fell asleep. It was 8pm.

I nudged her at 8:10 to ask if she was okay. A part of me was sincerely concerned, but another, less-compassionate part of me noted that her stuttered moaning was making me feel queasier than the salmonella scare had an hour before. I figured if she was gonna eewuke, maybe the cold tile on the bathroom floor would feel more soothing against her feverish flesh than the warm upholstery. She nodded unconvincingly and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. I sat down beside her and woke at 8:35- apparently the narcolepsy was contagious. I felt perturbed, not only by my extreme fatigue but also by the UConn Women's BBall championship game (the white noise of basketball gives me agita- i only watch televised games as a demonstration of marital commitment.) I wondered why we were still tuned in since my bride was again fast asleep. I changed to a TiVo'd Discovery Channel Special and promptly fell back into slumber.

At 8:46, we moved to the bed, said our "i love you's" and did not speak again until 7am. I slept soundly through her burning and twitching and groaning and moaning, but in the light of day her complexion was the only update on her condition that I required. I knew 90 minutes before she did that she wouldn't be participating in work today.

Poor sickly, Boo... it's not just that GI bugs are so completely horrible (which they are.) It's that
1) GI bugs make you worry that you have an undetected, horrible, awful disease; or that you will some day die a horrible, awful death... you might even have the mental strength to remind yourself not to be overly-dramatic, but you just can't help worry that death is near... and
2) GI bugs do something to your loved ones that make them take a self-protective step back... I love you, but please do not breathe on me... And please don't touch me... don't even think of kissing me... And please do not touch my pillow... do not look in the direction of my pillow... wouldn't you feel more comfortable sleeping on the couch...
Poor sweet, lonely Boo.

A mystery unfolds

What do these seemingly random food items have in common?
	Protein
	Vitamins A-C
	All require the ripening powers of the sun
	Each can be ordered on ebay
	Does this have something to do with dental floss?
	Your blog is really starting to irk me.
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