Thursday, March 04, 2010

Just a little tender

I am at work.

I am actually doing things at work. I cannot believe I am even interrupting my "flow" to post this but I want to say that things have been hard. Not in my "actual life" but "inside of me" where you can get lonely sometimes even when you are surrounded by love and amazing things... Maybe it's the winter and I'm seasonally affected or some such thing. Maybe it is the tingles of depression dusted on my genes by some of my ancestors, maybe it's the culmination of what has gone on in our live in the last 12 months- lots of it good, some bad... Most of it stressful...

Yesterday I got a call from a State School BFF whose 6 month old son got a fever. (He's fine.) She called to tell me "I don't know how you did it when ML was sick. I can't imagine how hard that was". Her message was sweet and funny and it made me smile and giggle. And then when I hung up, I started bawling. Crying. Hard. Out of the blue. Baffled and embarrassed for the entire 30 seconds until I pulled myself together in a "What was that?!?" sniffle. It was a wave of emotion that washed over me and disappeared.

I had really no idea that was inside of me.

That... like... scary, wounded, anxiety tears could burst unannounced thru the doors the instant a friend pads the safe room walls with an "I'm sorry you had to go thru that" on my voice-mail 3 months later.


The reasons I'm writing now from work are:

1) I don't want to forget to write what I wrote above because a lot of the times when i post it is when I'm feeling pretty good and parenting AND life is more about ups and downs.

2) Lately, by the time I get the kids to bed I have about 6 minutes before I get hit by a wall of exhaustion.

3) If you are not watching "Modern Family" on TeeVee, please set your DVR and/or go get hooked up with a DVR. Maybe it is my diminished mental capacity, but If this isn't the funniest show on right now, I'll eat one of JB's socks. It hits me right where I live. I love the office and 30 rock, but even in my melancholy, MF made me laugh out loud 6 times in the first 90 seconds of the episode last night. Katy watches it with me b/c she thinks if's funny to watch ME laugh.

4) We are finally restarting housekeeping services. We cannot keep up with the mess. And my sanity and my marriage is more important than my desire to succeed in the category of "be better about cleaning". It feels like I've failed only until about 6 seconds after the call is made. And then (with 100% candor I tell you) I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted... They are coming tomorrow to help with our filth.

5) Acts 3 and 4 (I appreciate all the positive feedback) are not written, but forthcoming. Sorry to keep especially the womb whisperer waiting. I'm sure that any momentum in the "you almost made me want to have kids" category has been lost, but we'll work thru it.

6) There is a lot going on in the health care debate right now. I wish I could get my shit together to comment and write more about it. If you want to know where I am in it and/or the things that interest me, you should keep up with Rachel Maddow. The podcast of her show (there's an iphone app) is as refreshing as water. And my favorite source of news and tidbits is JoeMyGod. His blog is a daily "must read" for me.

sent from my iphone

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