Hitting the Holiday wall

It has been an amazing couple of weeks.

I've never had the experience of feeling so taken care of (by life and by my family/peeps) and feeling so simultaneously out of control. The month of December has been completely overbooked and I've been jumpy like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. So much to do- decorating, cooking, buying, wrapping, sending, carding, gifting... All of the stress- imagined and real- designed and costumed in my own privately haunted mind. By that I mean, No one that knows and/or loves me has required anything of me, and yet I've felt insecure about my merry-making abilities and have spent way (way, way) too much time WORRIED. Worried about nameless things and expectations that don't exist.

I've felt this anxiety pile up (inside my gut). First attempts at counter-acting the stress meant spending chunks of the last 26 days creating- and when possible, completing holiday check lists. We inscribed the cards and did a lot of wrapping early. Despite my attempts at organization, I needed to start taking tums around the 4th of the month, so in addition to list-creation, I focused energy on mindfulness and staying "present" and allowed myself to turn in hours before the electronically timed Holiday Lights and tree decorations clicked themselves off. We watched less TV and cuddled more and still, my tums intake only increased.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been taking that great of care of myself. For example, I've been eating enough delicious/fattening food to actually feel my arteries harden. I've been doing my part to wear out the magnetic strip on the back our chase card. And I've had no cardiovascular activity (unless you count carrying packages and that fattening food into and our of our house.)

I've wondered how (even with an earnest desire and effort) I can't seem to make it quieter inside my head (or GI tract) at busy times? Even when I give myself permission to say "no" or to prepare frozen foods, why can't I fully appreciate the extra time I've given myself? Why do I use at least some of the time worrying about who I might be letting down? What's the deal with creatures that have "evolved" so far from the true purpose of the "fight or flight" chemical response, that running out of scotch tape mis-fires an adrenaline reaction complete with heart palpitations, sweaty foreheads, metallic-tasting saliva, and the urge to tear down a wall with one swat of your fist?

Adjusting for the fact that there was no snow, and (since we cannot be in two places at once) we were unable to celebrate life with both of our families at the same time, yesterday, was as wonderful as Christmas could be...

It was loud and crazy and over the top. But that's what happens when you get a couple dozen people together in a room with 1,000,000 consumable calories. When kt and I got home, we were nearly silent in our individual puttering. We avoided looking or thinking about our to do lists. We ignored the fact that we both had to work today. I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30pm with my boo in her suduko book at my feet. She woke me at ten and I was asleep again before my head settled completely into it's Posturepedic foam pillow. When I woke up, 9 hours later, I was actually sore from all of the sleeping. Feeling this safe, taken care of, and loved is something wild creatures never get a shot at... I wouldn't trade it for a month of tums!