I went with my sister to pick up the Mac attack today at school (ie- day care). When she saw us, she lifted her arms up, smiled widely, clapped her hands together several times, and then brought her arms up again choking out a high-pitch scream of delight. I've never gone to day care to find her sad, crying or anything but content or happy, but her level of joy shoots to the moon when she sees the family she knows.
She's at a point where I finally get to "rough house" with her a little - which I wouldn't do at all if she didn't giggle so much in response. It. Is. Awesome.
When i get to spend time with this kid, my heart gets so light. It is hard to imagine that I might feel more in love with or connected to any other child. And yet I know [all the know-it-alls have told me] that nothing compares to how much you love your own child(ren). Tomorrow we are 16 weeks pregnant, which i guess is 4 months... that seems like a safe time for it to start to feel real. And it is starting to feel real. Every morning this week, I've woken up, emptied my bladder, coughed the junky mucus from my lungs, blown the banana-baby-food-consistency snot from my nose, and returned to the bed to wrap myself around my woman. To breathe in her smell and rejoice in the glow of morning and our growing family.
Tonight, at my sister's house, Mac came at me - on two feet - for the first time (from across the room.) She steadied her hands on the floor, balanced herself on her feet, and walked 2 or 3 steps before falling. Then she repeated the process at least 5 more times. I expected her to give up and crawl, or cry, but there she was just trying over and over again... just walking. Excited and stunned into silence, I didn't make any announcement, but my sister exclaimed, "She's never done that before." Oops. She hasn't?!? I assumed she had.
Videos were taken, clapping and high-fiving commenced; and eventually Mackie grew frustrated and erupted into easily consoled tears...
When my first car turned over 100,000 miles I had waited and waited to see the 99999 become 100000. The most memorable part of that day was the realization that seeing the number 100001 was much more aesthetically pleasing to me. It was an unexpected nugget of satisfaction. All week I had been focusing on this random milestone, thinking to myself, "Don't miss it." Then the nines became zeros and I was fairly unimpressed. But the reflexive and symmetrical quality of the next moment - that I hadn't ever considered - sort of blew me away. I remember thinking, "Hmm. It just keeps getting better."
I experienced a similar jolt in perception tonight regarding a baby's first steps... Here's the unanticipated wonder: Mac will walk hundreds of times again. Each incident will produce a more steady gait. But the first few times - these next few weeks - are the only time to witness this innocent display of perseverance. The process of slowing yourself down and risking pain in order to advance, not out of logical reasoning, but out of instinct is barely graspable. What makes a child decide to walk and fall and get up and try again, instead of going back to the safety of crawling? Why is the challenge of balance suddenly something to explore and conquer? I thought the milestone to cherish was getting to see her walk, but it really is more- getting to see her grow, struggle, try, and learn.
It's the journey, right? Not the destination...
It's so obvious that we almost miss it every time.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
crooked spout
Thanks to my good friend ERD I was able to experience Norah Jones a few weeks ago. It was fantastic. Nothing compares to live music and she does not disappoint. I highly recommend her new album, especially "Be My Somebody". Talk about groovy percussion and a sexy song. Excellent.
And although we did have to endure a very drunk, chauvinistic, loud man in front of us, it was quite enjoyable. M. Ward opened and, wow, can that guy jam on guitar.
Click here for ERD's (more poetic) review for the Hartford Courant.
And although we did have to endure a very drunk, chauvinistic, loud man in front of us, it was quite enjoyable. M. Ward opened and, wow, can that guy jam on guitar.
Click here for ERD's (more poetic) review for the Hartford Courant.
Freedom Fries
France doesn't have thousands of troops in Iraq.
France isn't completely mired in a war that is un-winable.
The voter turnout in France for their presidential election basically kicked our a**es. Sure, they have some big issues, like immigration and unemployment, but we are and were, at the time of the 2004 election, losing many young Americans to the war. They beat us in turnout 74% to 61%. Granted we have more people, but seriously, we can't get 75% of our people out to vote?
I guess it's back to french fries for me.
France isn't completely mired in a war that is un-winable.
The voter turnout in France for their presidential election basically kicked our a**es. Sure, they have some big issues, like immigration and unemployment, but we are and were, at the time of the 2004 election, losing many young Americans to the war. They beat us in turnout 74% to 61%. Granted we have more people, but seriously, we can't get 75% of our people out to vote?
I guess it's back to french fries for me.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Lions and tigers and bears
It is generally well known that Tracy and I don't really do pets. We don't mind cats per se, but we don't desire them in our own home. We definitely don't do dogs. Well, except for that one time we considered getting a toy poodle. I'm chalking that crazy notion up to the Adopt a Pet bus that stopped by work. Suckers.
Our neighbors have 3 dogs (rapidly expanding in number since their only child left for college). They yap. A lot. So, yesterday I walked over to the fence that divides us to say hi and drop the news that we're having a baby. I could almost hear her mind scream, Wait! Wait! I need a drink first! While we were attempting to describe the inner-workings of a lesbian pregnancy, the dogs would not stop yapping. So I did the unthinkable. I let the dogs lick, yes lick, my hand until the conversation was over. I promptly scoured my hand with hot water. And the whole prompted Tracy to utter this unforgettable line:
"I was just going to go over and kill that dog, but you did the right thing."
Sorry Bean, you're going to need some serious lower lip action to get a pet that has fur. Fair warning.
Our neighbors have 3 dogs (rapidly expanding in number since their only child left for college). They yap. A lot. So, yesterday I walked over to the fence that divides us to say hi and drop the news that we're having a baby. I could almost hear her mind scream, Wait! Wait! I need a drink first! While we were attempting to describe the inner-workings of a lesbian pregnancy, the dogs would not stop yapping. So I did the unthinkable. I let the dogs lick, yes lick, my hand until the conversation was over. I promptly scoured my hand with hot water. And the whole prompted Tracy to utter this unforgettable line:
"I was just going to go over and kill that dog, but you did the right thing."
Sorry Bean, you're going to need some serious lower lip action to get a pet that has fur. Fair warning.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Last week in review: vol 1
Now for a new regular segment...
Lots of shit happens every week, but this week was particularly packed:
National: Some crazy dude at Virginia Tech shot up the school. He killed 32 people before he killed himself. The media has been going ape-shit! It's gotta be the best thing that's ever happened to Don Imus. By the time NBC, got a "multi-media" suicide note delivered on Wednesday, the journalistic orgy of the mass-murder reached a climax. The week before, you couldn't turn on the TV without hearing Imus' pitiful back-peddling, last week while the American media fought for blood-stained live footage, I bet Don Imus was quietly negotiating his next job.
Political: Anyone who wasn't watching 36 hours a day of V. Tech live post-massacre coverage might have caught the nasally snivelling of Alberto Gonzalez. The Attorney General was called before the senate and sworn in by a bi-partisan panel who wanted to know why so many Federal attorneys were fired and if they were fired for their job performance or because they did not put the success and sustainability of the republican party over the success and sustainability of the republic. He denied any illegal maneuvering. He contradicted himself with surprising redundance and regularity. Several Blues and Reds called for his resignation. Dubya said: "You're doing a heck of a jobBrownie 'Berto!"
Judicial: On Wednesday, the states were given permission by the supreme court to tighten abortion laws throughout the land. The ruling was 5 to 4 that a woman's right to chose may become a thing of the past and I'm sure Sandra Day O'Connor must have had to throw back a good stiff drink to get to sleep that night. The feminist outrage I'm experiencing is dampened by a thinly-veiled contempt for the women that helped make "moral values" the only thing that mattered in the 2004 election. In two generations, when your daughters are dying from infections caused by unsafe, illegal abortions, I'm sure it will somehow be my fault for wanting to get legally married. I apologize in advance to my future off-sping and their peeps for not storming and stomping with more fury to prevent Samuel Alito's ascension, but at least when I let this happen without chaining myself to the columns of the supreme court building, I did it from a fair-minded suburb in a progressive state. If I planned to raise you on the great plains, 2000 miles from the closest over-the-counter sale of Plan B, I would have put up a bigger fight.
Sports: Our beloved Bosox beat the Yankees Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night (coming from behind 2 out of three). This is like every season on record so far... but it's a long way to October.
The Weather: Last week's weather was like the alpha and the omega. Early in the week, a nor'easter crashed the east coast dumping many inches of snow or rain. It was cold and wet, flooded and miserable for most of the week. But by this past weekend, it was summery and wonderful. It is 80 degrees and sunny right now. I fully expect a hail storm in the next few days.
Health status: I was sick, coughing, aching, stuffy head and (because I was pregnant) no NyQuil to help me rest. Katy has been shining with health and patience for her sickie spouse all week.
Lots of shit happens every week, but this week was particularly packed:
National: Some crazy dude at Virginia Tech shot up the school. He killed 32 people before he killed himself. The media has been going ape-shit! It's gotta be the best thing that's ever happened to Don Imus. By the time NBC, got a "multi-media" suicide note delivered on Wednesday, the journalistic orgy of the mass-murder reached a climax. The week before, you couldn't turn on the TV without hearing Imus' pitiful back-peddling, last week while the American media fought for blood-stained live footage, I bet Don Imus was quietly negotiating his next job.
Political: Anyone who wasn't watching 36 hours a day of V. Tech live post-massacre coverage might have caught the nasally snivelling of Alberto Gonzalez. The Attorney General was called before the senate and sworn in by a bi-partisan panel who wanted to know why so many Federal attorneys were fired and if they were fired for their job performance or because they did not put the success and sustainability of the republican party over the success and sustainability of the republic. He denied any illegal maneuvering. He contradicted himself with surprising redundance and regularity. Several Blues and Reds called for his resignation. Dubya said: "You're doing a heck of a job
Judicial: On Wednesday, the states were given permission by the supreme court to tighten abortion laws throughout the land. The ruling was 5 to 4 that a woman's right to chose may become a thing of the past and I'm sure Sandra Day O'Connor must have had to throw back a good stiff drink to get to sleep that night. The feminist outrage I'm experiencing is dampened by a thinly-veiled contempt for the women that helped make "moral values" the only thing that mattered in the 2004 election. In two generations, when your daughters are dying from infections caused by unsafe, illegal abortions, I'm sure it will somehow be my fault for wanting to get legally married. I apologize in advance to my future off-sping and their peeps for not storming and stomping with more fury to prevent Samuel Alito's ascension, but at least when I let this happen without chaining myself to the columns of the supreme court building, I did it from a fair-minded suburb in a progressive state. If I planned to raise you on the great plains, 2000 miles from the closest over-the-counter sale of Plan B, I would have put up a bigger fight.
Sports: Our beloved Bosox beat the Yankees Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night (coming from behind 2 out of three). This is like every season on record so far... but it's a long way to October.
The Weather: Last week's weather was like the alpha and the omega. Early in the week, a nor'easter crashed the east coast dumping many inches of snow or rain. It was cold and wet, flooded and miserable for most of the week. But by this past weekend, it was summery and wonderful. It is 80 degrees and sunny right now. I fully expect a hail storm in the next few days.
Health status: I was sick, coughing, aching, stuffy head and (because I was pregnant) no NyQuil to help me rest. Katy has been shining with health and patience for her sickie spouse all week.
Friday, April 20, 2007
15 weeks
That's right folks, only 25 weeks to go. We get those updates every week from babycenter.com, and apparently our 15 week old fetus is now big enough to not be referred to as a fruit (or nut or legume).
Tools of the trade
Believe it or not, the item hiding behind T's pillows may be the only thing keeping her sane right now (for her NOSE, not the other use you dirty minds!).
Waiting to spring
Ah! Finally! Warm(ish) air! Today was that day. The one where the air finally has that "I just came from the balmy Gulf of Mexico" smell. The sky is blue after many days of torrential rain (a rain that actually gave residents of the northeast a few extra days to turn in their taxes???). And the magnolia tree that has been patiently waiting for days to bloom has suddenly, completely, and stunningly opened up. The rose bushes also have green streaming from their stalks, promising yet another summer of absolute rose-ness. And the garden is just all green (weeds and flowers alike!).
Ethnicity vs. Community
If you missed this fantastic piece by Robert Siegel on NPR, listen to it now.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Styes and such
I feel crappy.
My eyes lids are swollen and itchy.
My lower back and head hurts.
I woke up with my 3rd sore throat in as many weeks.
My uvula is 3 times it's normal size.
My lymph nodes are enlarged as well.
I'm achy, cranky, tired and sick of feeling sick.
Today, I cried for the 4th time in as many days.
I might be losing my shit...
Tomorrow I'll be 15 weeks pregnant.
Tomorrow will (likely) be a better day.
My eyes lids are swollen and itchy.
My lower back and head hurts.
I woke up with my 3rd sore throat in as many weeks.
My uvula is 3 times it's normal size.
My lymph nodes are enlarged as well.
I'm achy, cranky, tired and sick of feeling sick.
Today, I cried for the 4th time in as many days.
I might be losing my shit...
Tomorrow I'll be 15 weeks pregnant.
Tomorrow will (likely) be a better day.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Open letter to the Governor
Dear Governor M. Jodi Rell:
I was sad to see the recent quote attributed to you “I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. The vote in the committee does not change my mind on that. I will veto the bill."
No matter how many people agree with the above statement, it just isn’t true anymore. Students of history know the falsehood of the argument that same-sex marriage has never existed in civilization. But when the state of Massachusetts, and the Netherlands, Belgium, Canada, and Spain legally opened the institution of marriage to gays and lesbians, the notion that modern marriage could only be between a man and a woman was forever discredited.
Hundreds of thousands of same sex couples in our state and around the world are embracing and embodying marriage (whether or not the name is legally allowed.) When these couples support and love each other, stay together through good times and bad, in sickness and health, raise children, buy property, pay their bills, their taxes, attend to their extended families, help their neighbors, and live the very essence of modern marriage, it becomes ironic and pitiful that a primary sect of the population continues to shake their heads and “not believe” in our relationships. It is as if one voter’s right to a personal opinion is allowed to supersede another voter’s right to a validated existence. Your assertion that creating a separate-but-equal institution erases discrimination cannot be taken seriously. Your matter-of-fact claim that you and I can both get access to equal rights and protections is insulting. You are allowed to call your relationship marriage and I must call my marriage a civil union. You carry your marriage and protections with you across state lines; I must leave my rights and the chance to legally defend my family here when I need to leave Connecticut. You remind me of a politically powerful ostrich, denouncing discrimination before drinking out of a “no gays allowed” water fountain and sticking her head in the sand.
I understand that many voters were raised at a time in society when we did not discuss such things. Where the exclusion and denial of homosexual relationships was ordinary and gay people could live peacefully as long as they pretended to be straight. I understand that many people believe that homosexual relationships are immoral. But many people believe that divorce is immoral and do not expect the government to withhold that option. We do not outlaw theft and murder because the acts are immoral, but because the acts infringe on the rights of other citizens. I have yet to hear evidence or a rational argument for how same-sex marriage harms or takes something away from a non-gay citizen.
Plainly, Madam Governor, I ask you to reconsider your position. Hear the arguments and debates without an already made up mind. Today's public policy should not be based on the prejudice, intolerance, and myths of our upbringing. Gays and Lesbians are getting married. It is time for the state of Connecticut to legally recognize that truth.
Regards,
T. Weber Tierney
I was sad to see the recent quote attributed to you “I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. The vote in the committee does not change my mind on that. I will veto the bill."
No matter how many people agree with the above statement, it just isn’t true anymore. Students of history know the falsehood of the argument that same-sex marriage has never existed in civilization. But when the state of Massachusetts, and the Netherlands, Belgium, Canada, and Spain legally opened the institution of marriage to gays and lesbians, the notion that modern marriage could only be between a man and a woman was forever discredited.
Hundreds of thousands of same sex couples in our state and around the world are embracing and embodying marriage (whether or not the name is legally allowed.) When these couples support and love each other, stay together through good times and bad, in sickness and health, raise children, buy property, pay their bills, their taxes, attend to their extended families, help their neighbors, and live the very essence of modern marriage, it becomes ironic and pitiful that a primary sect of the population continues to shake their heads and “not believe” in our relationships. It is as if one voter’s right to a personal opinion is allowed to supersede another voter’s right to a validated existence. Your assertion that creating a separate-but-equal institution erases discrimination cannot be taken seriously. Your matter-of-fact claim that you and I can both get access to equal rights and protections is insulting. You are allowed to call your relationship marriage and I must call my marriage a civil union. You carry your marriage and protections with you across state lines; I must leave my rights and the chance to legally defend my family here when I need to leave Connecticut. You remind me of a politically powerful ostrich, denouncing discrimination before drinking out of a “no gays allowed” water fountain and sticking her head in the sand.
I understand that many voters were raised at a time in society when we did not discuss such things. Where the exclusion and denial of homosexual relationships was ordinary and gay people could live peacefully as long as they pretended to be straight. I understand that many people believe that homosexual relationships are immoral. But many people believe that divorce is immoral and do not expect the government to withhold that option. We do not outlaw theft and murder because the acts are immoral, but because the acts infringe on the rights of other citizens. I have yet to hear evidence or a rational argument for how same-sex marriage harms or takes something away from a non-gay citizen.
Plainly, Madam Governor, I ask you to reconsider your position. Hear the arguments and debates without an already made up mind. Today's public policy should not be based on the prejudice, intolerance, and myths of our upbringing. Gays and Lesbians are getting married. It is time for the state of Connecticut to legally recognize that truth.
Regards,
T. Weber Tierney
Friday, April 13, 2007
Sweet Lovin' on a Friday night
She: Will you be home before 6:30?
Me: It doesn't look good- I'm closing up at work tonight.
She: That's too bad... I miss you, I'd like to see you before I go.
Me: I'll see you later at Bobbie P's b-day party... enjoy the concert.
She: I will. Tell everyone I said 'hi.'
Me: Will do. Tell E I said 'hi.'
She: Okay. Love you.
Me: You too... wait, can you do me a favor and try to find out what that song is that we heard on the radio yesterday? I'd like to download it.
She: sure!
I arrive home to a note that is full of sweet nothings and a, "itunes is all cued up for you," but I only have enough time to whip the Ruben dip together and get over to the peeps' for birthday partying... I ignore the computer until I come home. I'm exhausted. It's been a long week. She's not home yet, but I am headed to bed, too tired to wait up. I go to shut the computer off and itunes is indeed cued up: "Boston" by Augustana. I thought that would be the name of the song. I click on play and think, "I should find the lyrics while I listen." I restore the browser that's been minimized to find this...
The woman knows me well.
I am well loved.
Me: It doesn't look good- I'm closing up at work tonight.
She: That's too bad... I miss you, I'd like to see you before I go.
Me: I'll see you later at Bobbie P's b-day party... enjoy the concert.
She: I will. Tell everyone I said 'hi.'
Me: Will do. Tell E I said 'hi.'
She: Okay. Love you.
Me: You too... wait, can you do me a favor and try to find out what that song is that we heard on the radio yesterday? I'd like to download it.
She: sure!
I arrive home to a note that is full of sweet nothings and a, "itunes is all cued up for you," but I only have enough time to whip the Ruben dip together and get over to the peeps' for birthday partying... I ignore the computer until I come home. I'm exhausted. It's been a long week. She's not home yet, but I am headed to bed, too tired to wait up. I go to shut the computer off and itunes is indeed cued up: "Boston" by Augustana. I thought that would be the name of the song. I click on play and think, "I should find the lyrics while I listen." I restore the browser that's been minimized to find this...
The woman knows me well.
I am well loved.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
back in the saddle
I know I've been a little MIA lately, but I'm back in the saddle. I promise to comment on more important things, like, say, the fact that SHE'S HAVING MY BABY!!! But in the meantime, you should check this video out. No seriously. Laughing so hard I had tears running down my face. The best part is when the dad starts to crack up quietly. Hi-freakin-larious.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Just try OB and you'll see
Kt and I had our second prenatal appointment yesterday.
We found our lady-parts-doctor on the recommendation of two nursing friends who don't know each other at all- I met these two RNs in different parts of the state, at different jobs, during very different eras of my life. I've kept in touch with and trust them both and when each heard we were pregnant, she declared an unprompted, name-specific recommendation that we use this particular OB/GYN.
One of them said, "You will Love, LOVE, LOVE her!"
The other said, "She is so wonderful, I Love, LOVE, LOVE her!"
We were then told two separate times: She is kind, smart, and a black, lesbian! with a great bedside manner. I peppered my straight friends with the type of harassment they've come to expect from me,
"Are you only telling me this because I'm gay?"
(stammering: "Huh? no, I thought...")
"Do you have personal, carnal knowledge of this lesbianism?"
("Ha, ha, very funny, T")
"Well, how do you know that she's black?"
("are you joking" stares.)
Katy and I went to YSN and have some fantabulous Midwifery peeps. The program at Yale is crazy competitive and the (mostly) women that gain admission are (with few exceptions) delightfully friendly, impressively cool, insanely smart, gentle, funny, strong, and - Tonja aside - of Amazonian height. (Not sure why this matters, but unless you went to YSN when we did, you can't believe the combined height of these graduates... even Tonja couldn't lower the vertical average.) Secondly, I work at a health center that is known for their amazing midwifery practice. And while we also know wonderful Women's health doctors, we were leaning toward trying to find a nurse midwifery practice.
After the friendly teasing, our general reaction about the prospect of Dr. KindSmartBlackLesbian was, "SAY NO MORE."
On our first meeting I was struck by how stressful it is to meet a new provider- even one that comes highly recommended. We arrived 15 minutes early and by the time we were seen, (10 minutes late) I had hives. I can't help but think that the anxiety was compounded by the fact that we are a "non-traditional couple" and are about to "come out" to a group of strangers. Even though I know most people are totally stressed and strung out at their first prenatal appointment, I bring this aspect up because it is invisible and omnipresent. Because it is a part of the lived experience of being gay that I'm sure can never be adequately explained, and that katy and I cover up and hide perhaps a little too well.
I pretty much function with a confident, internal voice: "I am healthy and normal, and so is my wife, and so is my life... and I will not take on the bullshit of anyone that can't cope with those facts." But still, there is something terrifying that happens (no matter how gregarious a being you are) when you leave the warm cocoon of house and home that you have painstakingly spun to keep yourself protected. It becomes complicated to separate regular, normal, average fear and anxiety in everyday, average, stressful, or even mundane scenarios (like a trip to the DMV or a prenatal appointment) from the anxiety and fear of discrimination, gay baiting, or gay bashing. I work hard to live a normal life and be mentally healthy in a society that will hold a vote or open debates as to whether or not I am a god-hated deviant that should be legally oppressed. I strive to live openly and honestly without apology, but i've learned that you have to keep all the lights and computers burning in a tiny "situation room" in your mind and heart, at least unconsciously expecting the unexpected:
- An anonymous bible-banger hurling a slur and openly commenting on your prospects for a comfortable afterlife in the supermarket you only stopped at to procure tissues and NyQuil. The messenger of god's opinion was inspired to preach when you absentmindedly brushed the feverish forehead of your sweet love who was feeling very sickie that day.
- A fat, unattractive 11 yr old sees you holding hands while walking thru the center of town and stops licking her double dip cone to stare at you and say, "That makes me sick," without the slightest fear that you will take her over your knee and beat the living snot out of her.
- A cousin writes a 2 page tome to you the week before your wedding to tell you all the reasons that she "loves" you and is "not homophobic" but cannot come to the wedding because it is against her beliefs and her god... (Hey, next time just actually send the RSVP card... a lot of people check the "no, thanks" box without further explanation.)
Staffing the hate-crimes sit room inside of me is part of standard operating procedure. But every now and again, I start to wonder (Like FEMA in the federal government) how much energy does that center drain from the budget, power grid, and productivity of my existence.
But I digress:
That first OB appointment was delightful. We liked Dr. KSBL, but were initially disappointed at the absence of technology. Having spent most of our time with infertility specialists that are as likely to do a vaginal ultrasound or a blood draw as they are to own a luxury automobile, we were anticipating having radiological evidence of the embryo that we conceived seemingly out of witchcraft and sorcery. When she did a pelvic exam to "measure my uterus" I was like, "What?!? We get the only provider left in America that doesn't want to soak my insurance company for a few extra ultrasound up-codes?!?" It seemed like utter nonsense, and incomplete care until we noted later that having an MD that seemed to "trust" the baby was kind of nice. (And wasn't technology what we were pretty proud of having avoided with this conception... and isn't this a little like having a "non-interventional" midwife who can also preform a c-section if it ever came to that???)
Dr. KSBL did a great job that first meeting of talking to us both before and after the appointment- making sure I was not in a state of nakedness in either case. I could see where she got her reputation for a good bedside manner. In her effort to be personable and put us at ease, she did everything but juggle fire and make balloon animals. She spent about 20 minutes warming up her stethoscope before placing it on my chest. And then said, "I hope that's not too cold." This gesture seemed a little over-the-top to me, and I wanted to grab katy's iced-temperatured hand and place it under her shirt so she knew the types of temperatures I could withstand. (Please, what kind of weak, ball-sac did she take me for?)
Yesterday's appointment was primarily to hear the heartbeat via Doppler. Truth be told, my friends at Fair Haven helped katy and I hear the heartbeat a few weeks ago, so this was a formality. But because we both wanted to be there, we made our appointment for 11:15- when katy would not have to cancel patients. By that point in the day, the office was in full "we're a little behind schedule" mode. This time, secretly hoping it would help us get seen sooner, we arrived 25 minutes early, and we were let in the room 15 minutes late. After peeing in a cup and weighing in, we waited another 10 minutes. By the time Dr KSBL entered, we were both starting to freak out a little about getting back to work late. Dr KSBL started her normal, personable, "Hey guys, what's shaking??? How are you? Tell me everything..." routine, we wanted to grab her and shout, "ENOUGH WITH THE SMALL TALK, LET'S GET IT ON." It was fortunate I had heard the sweet, quiet, rapid whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh of the heartbeat prior to this visit, because otherwise, my German-Irish temperament might have come thru too clearly, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? ALL THIS WAITING FOR THAT??? THAT'S ALL YOU GOT FOR ME???"
I kept my mouth closed and secretly checked the time as I buttoned back up. Dr. KSBL made a quick balloon unicorn for Katy and congratulated her by offering closed fist for kt to "punch it in." (Yes, Dr. Brokeback, I. SHIT. YOU. NOT... a tactic I would have not fully understood if you had not written about it in your recent hilarious post!)
All in all, we are very happy and feel very lucky. The baby's got a beating heart, which - judging from my taskiness and distractedness when hearing it (a moment that supposedly brings expectant moms to tears, but made me yawn and check my watch) I should be happy that s/he is ALREADY more human than me... I'm like a pregnant tin (wo)man. I guess it is still a little abstract for me to grasp. But one thing I know, is this bean is also already starting to bring out the best in katy and me- Joy is recently more easy to stumble on even in average, annoying, and/or boring moments. And we've laughed more together in the last few weeks than it seems like we have in years.
We found our lady-parts-doctor on the recommendation of two nursing friends who don't know each other at all- I met these two RNs in different parts of the state, at different jobs, during very different eras of my life. I've kept in touch with and trust them both and when each heard we were pregnant, she declared an unprompted, name-specific recommendation that we use this particular OB/GYN.
One of them said, "You will Love, LOVE, LOVE her!"
The other said, "She is so wonderful, I Love, LOVE, LOVE her!"
We were then told two separate times: She is kind, smart, and a black, lesbian! with a great bedside manner. I peppered my straight friends with the type of harassment they've come to expect from me,
"Are you only telling me this because I'm gay?"
(stammering: "Huh? no, I thought...")
"Do you have personal, carnal knowledge of this lesbianism?"
("Ha, ha, very funny, T")
"Well, how do you know that she's black?"
("are you joking" stares.)
Katy and I went to YSN and have some fantabulous Midwifery peeps. The program at Yale is crazy competitive and the (mostly) women that gain admission are (with few exceptions) delightfully friendly, impressively cool, insanely smart, gentle, funny, strong, and - Tonja aside - of Amazonian height. (Not sure why this matters, but unless you went to YSN when we did, you can't believe the combined height of these graduates... even Tonja couldn't lower the vertical average.) Secondly, I work at a health center that is known for their amazing midwifery practice. And while we also know wonderful Women's health doctors, we were leaning toward trying to find a nurse midwifery practice.
After the friendly teasing, our general reaction about the prospect of Dr. KindSmartBlackLesbian was, "SAY NO MORE."
On our first meeting I was struck by how stressful it is to meet a new provider- even one that comes highly recommended. We arrived 15 minutes early and by the time we were seen, (10 minutes late) I had hives. I can't help but think that the anxiety was compounded by the fact that we are a "non-traditional couple" and are about to "come out" to a group of strangers. Even though I know most people are totally stressed and strung out at their first prenatal appointment, I bring this aspect up because it is invisible and omnipresent. Because it is a part of the lived experience of being gay that I'm sure can never be adequately explained, and that katy and I cover up and hide perhaps a little too well.
I pretty much function with a confident, internal voice: "I am healthy and normal, and so is my wife, and so is my life... and I will not take on the bullshit of anyone that can't cope with those facts." But still, there is something terrifying that happens (no matter how gregarious a being you are) when you leave the warm cocoon of house and home that you have painstakingly spun to keep yourself protected. It becomes complicated to separate regular, normal, average fear and anxiety in everyday, average, stressful, or even mundane scenarios (like a trip to the DMV or a prenatal appointment) from the anxiety and fear of discrimination, gay baiting, or gay bashing. I work hard to live a normal life and be mentally healthy in a society that will hold a vote or open debates as to whether or not I am a god-hated deviant that should be legally oppressed. I strive to live openly and honestly without apology, but i've learned that you have to keep all the lights and computers burning in a tiny "situation room" in your mind and heart, at least unconsciously expecting the unexpected:
- An anonymous bible-banger hurling a slur and openly commenting on your prospects for a comfortable afterlife in the supermarket you only stopped at to procure tissues and NyQuil. The messenger of god's opinion was inspired to preach when you absentmindedly brushed the feverish forehead of your sweet love who was feeling very sickie that day.
- A fat, unattractive 11 yr old sees you holding hands while walking thru the center of town and stops licking her double dip cone to stare at you and say, "That makes me sick," without the slightest fear that you will take her over your knee and beat the living snot out of her.
- A cousin writes a 2 page tome to you the week before your wedding to tell you all the reasons that she "loves" you and is "not homophobic" but cannot come to the wedding because it is against her beliefs and her god... (Hey, next time just actually send the RSVP card... a lot of people check the "no, thanks" box without further explanation.)
Staffing the hate-crimes sit room inside of me is part of standard operating procedure. But every now and again, I start to wonder (Like FEMA in the federal government) how much energy does that center drain from the budget, power grid, and productivity of my existence.
But I digress:
That first OB appointment was delightful. We liked Dr. KSBL, but were initially disappointed at the absence of technology. Having spent most of our time with infertility specialists that are as likely to do a vaginal ultrasound or a blood draw as they are to own a luxury automobile, we were anticipating having radiological evidence of the embryo that we conceived seemingly out of witchcraft and sorcery. When she did a pelvic exam to "measure my uterus" I was like, "What?!? We get the only provider left in America that doesn't want to soak my insurance company for a few extra ultrasound up-codes?!?" It seemed like utter nonsense, and incomplete care until we noted later that having an MD that seemed to "trust" the baby was kind of nice. (And wasn't technology what we were pretty proud of having avoided with this conception... and isn't this a little like having a "non-interventional" midwife who can also preform a c-section if it ever came to that???)
Dr. KSBL did a great job that first meeting of talking to us both before and after the appointment- making sure I was not in a state of nakedness in either case. I could see where she got her reputation for a good bedside manner. In her effort to be personable and put us at ease, she did everything but juggle fire and make balloon animals. She spent about 20 minutes warming up her stethoscope before placing it on my chest. And then said, "I hope that's not too cold." This gesture seemed a little over-the-top to me, and I wanted to grab katy's iced-temperatured hand and place it under her shirt so she knew the types of temperatures I could withstand. (Please, what kind of weak, ball-sac did she take me for?)
Yesterday's appointment was primarily to hear the heartbeat via Doppler. Truth be told, my friends at Fair Haven helped katy and I hear the heartbeat a few weeks ago, so this was a formality. But because we both wanted to be there, we made our appointment for 11:15- when katy would not have to cancel patients. By that point in the day, the office was in full "we're a little behind schedule" mode. This time, secretly hoping it would help us get seen sooner, we arrived 25 minutes early, and we were let in the room 15 minutes late. After peeing in a cup and weighing in, we waited another 10 minutes. By the time Dr KSBL entered, we were both starting to freak out a little about getting back to work late. Dr KSBL started her normal, personable, "Hey guys, what's shaking??? How are you? Tell me everything..." routine, we wanted to grab her and shout, "ENOUGH WITH THE SMALL TALK, LET'S GET IT ON." It was fortunate I had heard the sweet, quiet, rapid whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh of the heartbeat prior to this visit, because otherwise, my German-Irish temperament might have come thru too clearly, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? ALL THIS WAITING FOR THAT??? THAT'S ALL YOU GOT FOR ME???"
I kept my mouth closed and secretly checked the time as I buttoned back up. Dr. KSBL made a quick balloon unicorn for Katy and congratulated her by offering closed fist for kt to "punch it in." (Yes, Dr. Brokeback, I. SHIT. YOU. NOT... a tactic I would have not fully understood if you had not written about it in your recent hilarious post!)
All in all, we are very happy and feel very lucky. The baby's got a beating heart, which - judging from my taskiness and distractedness when hearing it (a moment that supposedly brings expectant moms to tears, but made me yawn and check my watch) I should be happy that s/he is ALREADY more human than me... I'm like a pregnant tin (wo)man. I guess it is still a little abstract for me to grasp. But one thing I know, is this bean is also already starting to bring out the best in katy and me- Joy is recently more easy to stumble on even in average, annoying, and/or boring moments. And we've laughed more together in the last few weeks than it seems like we have in years.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
This is so WACK!
On my lunch break, I'm trolling the web a little and I stumble onto a blog that has a baby ticker that looks like this:
I think it is all very intriguing, but kind of too... well, how to put this... fetus fundamentalist. It looks kind of gross to me, mostly because I associated it with a bad "anti-choice" ad. See how those abortion-clinic-bombers have poisoned my mind??? Even a re-creation of my own Bean seems somehow propaganda-licious and ickey.
Maybe some of you are like, "T, I think you are the wacked one... look what a beautiful gift from God that pregnancy ticker is..." and to that I say,
"Hmmm, Okay. What about this:"
You can shove up to 10 babies in there!!! Is that okay??? Is that normal??? Is that a beautiful vision???
No.
It is not.
It makes me think people love fetuses a little too much.
Fetuses and dogs...
As a beautiful and talented diva-turned-addict once said:
It is not right, but it's okay, I'm gonna make it anyway.
I think this could be amusing to check in on, but I can't bring myself to post it in the sidebar. So I am going to make this post available under "Posts that explain some things."
Swim tight- little, on-line reproductions of fetal growth... we'll see you on the flip side!
I think it is all very intriguing, but kind of too... well, how to put this... fetus fundamentalist. It looks kind of gross to me, mostly because I associated it with a bad "anti-choice" ad. See how those abortion-clinic-bombers have poisoned my mind??? Even a re-creation of my own Bean seems somehow propaganda-licious and ickey.
Maybe some of you are like, "T, I think you are the wacked one... look what a beautiful gift from God that pregnancy ticker is..." and to that I say,
"Hmmm, Okay. What about this:"
You can shove up to 10 babies in there!!! Is that okay??? Is that normal??? Is that a beautiful vision???
No.
It is not.
It makes me think people love fetuses a little too much.
Fetuses and dogs...
As a beautiful and talented diva-turned-addict once said:
It is not right, but it's okay, I'm gonna make it anyway.
I think this could be amusing to check in on, but I can't bring myself to post it in the sidebar. So I am going to make this post available under "Posts that explain some things."
Swim tight- little, on-line reproductions of fetal growth... we'll see you on the flip side!
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Health
I'm sickie.
Not pregnancy sickie.
Coughing, aching, stuffy head, sore throat, post nasal drip... sickie.
I can't take anything except Tylenol because I don't want the bean to get all fucked up.
I'm drinking water and trying to sleep without choking to death on my own mucus.
It's no goodie.
T.T. no like-y
Not pregnancy sickie.
Coughing, aching, stuffy head, sore throat, post nasal drip... sickie.
I can't take anything except Tylenol because I don't want the bean to get all fucked up.
I'm drinking water and trying to sleep without choking to death on my own mucus.
It's no goodie.
T.T. no like-y
Home
Got home from the trip and cleaned the kitchen...
It started out a normal, wash-the-dishes-in-the-sink kind of cleaning, but by the end, it morphed into a Pull-out-the-stove, get-on-your-hands-and-knees-to-scrub-the-floor-by-hand cleaning.
There was a 2 hour window where i wasn't thinking about my sore throat or ear ache at all;
and I think the mop-and-glow acted a little like a nasal decongestant/ cough suppressant.
I do this about 2 times per year. Usually, I limp around for 2 days after - due to back and knee soreness.
It (the kitchen) really needed it. I guess I needed it too.
It started out a normal, wash-the-dishes-in-the-sink kind of cleaning, but by the end, it morphed into a Pull-out-the-stove, get-on-your-hands-and-knees-to-scrub-the-floor-by-hand cleaning.
There was a 2 hour window where i wasn't thinking about my sore throat or ear ache at all;
and I think the mop-and-glow acted a little like a nasal decongestant/ cough suppressant.
I do this about 2 times per year. Usually, I limp around for 2 days after - due to back and knee soreness.
It (the kitchen) really needed it. I guess I needed it too.
Personal
This weekend, we went to NY with the softball team/ book club.
As promised, it was a relaxing weekend full of yummy food, cards, dice, puzzles, trivia, games, and lots of laughter. These friends are not germ-phobic at all and would rather you come sick as opposed to not at all. And they also don't seem to mind that this is my 3rd consecutive book club that I have attended without having read the book.
As promised, it was a relaxing weekend full of yummy food, cards, dice, puzzles, trivia, games, and lots of laughter. These friends are not germ-phobic at all and would rather you come sick as opposed to not at all. And they also don't seem to mind that this is my 3rd consecutive book club that I have attended without having read the book.
Professional
Fair Haven Community Health Center celebrated it's 35th anniversary at a Gala event on Friday night. Everyone looked great and there were some amazing people in the room. I'm lucky to work with many of them. My boss told a story about the clinic's opening that has stuck with Katy and me. A feasibility study was done which basically said, "This endeavor (opening up a health center to care for this New Haven community) will not be successful." Due to the lack of available resources and other obstacles, a recommendation was made that the funding this "project" would be futile. But the committee decided (for the sake of the volunteers) to "fund it anyway."
35 years, 130 FTE's, and a 10 million dollar annual budget later, we're still fighting the good fight.
Several times since Friday night, Katy has squeezed my hand with a misty tear in her eye(s) and whispered, "fund it anyway." I can't say I'm sure what she means - I think it extends beyond Fair Haven and has rooted as some symbolic slogan in her psyche. Perhaps she has a grand scheme that I am unaware, or wants to increase our charitable giving. But I read it to mean that optimism and kindness (the kind she exhibits daily) is it's own reward... And folks that lean toward cynicism (like me) ought to learn a thing or two.
Political
Gay Marriage is on the legislative agenda again in CT.
Last Monday, there was public testimony for bill #7395, An Act Concerning Marriage Equality.
Testimony began at 12 noon. I listened to a little at work and then came home and watched on line until the end (after 11pm). There is some room for honest disagreement here, but there are some wack jobs out there. I could not justify taking the day off work to go testify, and this issue affects me DIRECTLY. If I had taken the day off, I'm not entirely sure I would have lasted the 8-12 hours necessary to speak my mind for the 3 allotted minutes. But still there were opponents of the measure, who have such a strong interest and desire in keeping Kt and I from getting "married" that they thought it was perfectly rational to wait all day to "testify" about what God intended (so nice to have an inside view of the Creator's mind) and the damage that would be inflicted on society if we open a legal term and contract to all citizens.
There were a few priceless moments, and there are hardly any politicos who speak as succinctly on the issue as one of my favorite funny ladies: Wanda Sykes. She basically says:
1) The government should not be involved in this.
2) If you don't believe in same sex marriage, don't get married to someone of the same sex.
3) The biggest threat to marriage is not same sex marriage, it is divorce.
Her entire album is hilarious, you can hear clips here.
If you live in CT and you want to support this bill, write or call your Legislators. Also, contact the governor's office (M.Jodi Rell has promised to veto any marriage equality bill the legislature passes.) For extra measure, consider donating time or money to Love makes a family - these people are tireless and brave in their efforts to win some rights for my family.
Last Monday, there was public testimony for bill #7395, An Act Concerning Marriage Equality.
Testimony began at 12 noon. I listened to a little at work and then came home and watched on line until the end (after 11pm). There is some room for honest disagreement here, but there are some wack jobs out there. I could not justify taking the day off work to go testify, and this issue affects me DIRECTLY. If I had taken the day off, I'm not entirely sure I would have lasted the 8-12 hours necessary to speak my mind for the 3 allotted minutes. But still there were opponents of the measure, who have such a strong interest and desire in keeping Kt and I from getting "married" that they thought it was perfectly rational to wait all day to "testify" about what God intended (so nice to have an inside view of the Creator's mind) and the damage that would be inflicted on society if we open a legal term and contract to all citizens.
There were a few priceless moments, and there are hardly any politicos who speak as succinctly on the issue as one of my favorite funny ladies: Wanda Sykes. She basically says:
1) The government should not be involved in this.
2) If you don't believe in same sex marriage, don't get married to someone of the same sex.
3) The biggest threat to marriage is not same sex marriage, it is divorce.
Her entire album is hilarious, you can hear clips here.
If you live in CT and you want to support this bill, write or call your Legislators. Also, contact the governor's office (M.Jodi Rell has promised to veto any marriage equality bill the legislature passes.) For extra measure, consider donating time or money to Love makes a family - these people are tireless and brave in their efforts to win some rights for my family.
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