Just try OB and you'll see

Kt and I had our second prenatal appointment yesterday.

We found our lady-parts-doctor on the recommendation of two nursing friends who don't know each other at all- I met these two RNs in different parts of the state, at different jobs, during very different eras of my life. I've kept in touch with and trust them both and when each heard we were pregnant, she declared an unprompted, name-specific recommendation that we use this particular OB/GYN.

One of them said, "You will Love, LOVE, LOVE her!"
The other said, "She is so wonderful, I Love, LOVE, LOVE her!"
We were then told two separate times: She is kind, smart, and a black, lesbian! with a great bedside manner. I peppered my straight friends with the type of harassment they've come to expect from me,

"Are you only telling me this because I'm gay?"
(stammering: "Huh? no, I thought...")
"Do you have personal, carnal knowledge of this lesbianism?"
("Ha, ha, very funny, T")
"Well, how do you know that she's black?"
("are you joking" stares.)

Katy and I went to YSN and have some fantabulous Midwifery peeps. The program at Yale is crazy competitive and the (mostly) women that gain admission are (with few exceptions) delightfully friendly, impressively cool, insanely smart, gentle, funny, strong, and - Tonja aside - of Amazonian height. (Not sure why this matters, but unless you went to YSN when we did, you can't believe the combined height of these graduates... even Tonja couldn't lower the vertical average.) Secondly, I work at a health center that is known for their amazing midwifery practice. And while we also know wonderful Women's health doctors, we were leaning toward trying to find a nurse midwifery practice.

After the friendly teasing, our general reaction about the prospect of Dr. KindSmartBlackLesbian was, "SAY NO MORE."

On our first meeting I was struck by how stressful it is to meet a new provider- even one that comes highly recommended. We arrived 15 minutes early and by the time we were seen, (10 minutes late) I had hives. I can't help but think that the anxiety was compounded by the fact that we are a "non-traditional couple" and are about to "come out" to a group of strangers. Even though I know most people are totally stressed and strung out at their first prenatal appointment, I bring this aspect up because it is invisible and omnipresent. Because it is a part of the lived experience of being gay that I'm sure can never be adequately explained, and that katy and I cover up and hide perhaps a little too well.

I pretty much function with a confident, internal voice: "I am healthy and normal, and so is my wife, and so is my life... and I will not take on the bullshit of anyone that can't cope with those facts." But still, there is something terrifying that happens (no matter how gregarious a being you are) when you leave the warm cocoon of house and home that you have painstakingly spun to keep yourself protected. It becomes complicated to separate regular, normal, average fear and anxiety in everyday, average, stressful, or even mundane scenarios (like a trip to the DMV or a prenatal appointment) from the anxiety and fear of discrimination, gay baiting, or gay bashing. I work hard to live a normal life and be mentally healthy in a society that will hold a vote or open debates as to whether or not I am a god-hated deviant that should be legally oppressed. I strive to live openly and honestly without apology, but i've learned that you have to keep all the lights and computers burning in a tiny "situation room" in your mind and heart, at least unconsciously expecting the unexpected:

- An anonymous bible-banger hurling a slur and openly commenting on your prospects for a comfortable afterlife in the supermarket you only stopped at to procure tissues and NyQuil. The messenger of god's opinion was inspired to preach when you absentmindedly brushed the feverish forehead of your sweet love who was feeling very sickie that day.
- A fat, unattractive 11 yr old sees you holding hands while walking thru the center of town and stops licking her double dip cone to stare at you and say, "That makes me sick," without the slightest fear that you will take her over your knee and beat the living snot out of her.
- A cousin writes a 2 page tome to you the week before your wedding to tell you all the reasons that she "loves" you and is "not homophobic" but cannot come to the wedding because it is against her beliefs and her god... (Hey, next time just actually send the RSVP card... a lot of people check the "no, thanks" box without further explanation.)

Staffing the hate-crimes sit room inside of me is part of standard operating procedure. But every now and again, I start to wonder (Like FEMA in the federal government) how much energy does that center drain from the budget, power grid, and productivity of my existence.

But I digress:
That first OB appointment was delightful. We liked Dr. KSBL, but were initially disappointed at the absence of technology. Having spent most of our time with infertility specialists that are as likely to do a vaginal ultrasound or a blood draw as they are to own a luxury automobile, we were anticipating having radiological evidence of the embryo that we conceived seemingly out of witchcraft and sorcery. When she did a pelvic exam to "measure my uterus" I was like, "What?!? We get the only provider left in America that doesn't want to soak my insurance company for a few extra ultrasound up-codes?!?" It seemed like utter nonsense, and incomplete care until we noted later that having an MD that seemed to "trust" the baby was kind of nice. (And wasn't technology what we were pretty proud of having avoided with this conception... and isn't this a little like having a "non-interventional" midwife who can also preform a c-section if it ever came to that???)

Dr. KSBL did a great job that first meeting of talking to us both before and after the appointment- making sure I was not in a state of nakedness in either case. I could see where she got her reputation for a good bedside manner. In her effort to be personable and put us at ease, she did everything but juggle fire and make balloon animals. She spent about 20 minutes warming up her stethoscope before placing it on my chest. And then said, "I hope that's not too cold." This gesture seemed a little over-the-top to me, and I wanted to grab katy's iced-temperatured hand and place it under her shirt so she knew the types of temperatures I could withstand. (Please, what kind of weak, ball-sac did she take me for?)

Yesterday's appointment was primarily to hear the heartbeat via Doppler. Truth be told, my friends at Fair Haven helped katy and I hear the heartbeat a few weeks ago, so this was a formality. But because we both wanted to be there, we made our appointment for 11:15- when katy would not have to cancel patients. By that point in the day, the office was in full "we're a little behind schedule" mode. This time, secretly hoping it would help us get seen sooner, we arrived 25 minutes early, and we were let in the room 15 minutes late. After peeing in a cup and weighing in, we waited another 10 minutes. By the time Dr KSBL entered, we were both starting to freak out a little about getting back to work late. Dr KSBL started her normal, personable, "Hey guys, what's shaking??? How are you? Tell me everything..." routine, we wanted to grab her and shout, "ENOUGH WITH THE SMALL TALK, LET'S GET IT ON." It was fortunate I had heard the sweet, quiet, rapid whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh of the heartbeat prior to this visit, because otherwise, my German-Irish temperament might have come thru too clearly, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? ALL THIS WAITING FOR THAT??? THAT'S ALL YOU GOT FOR ME???"

I kept my mouth closed and secretly checked the time as I buttoned back up. Dr. KSBL made a quick balloon unicorn for Katy and congratulated her by offering closed fist for kt to "punch it in." (Yes, Dr. Brokeback, I. SHIT. YOU. NOT... a tactic I would have not fully understood if you had not written about it in your recent hilarious post!)

All in all, we are very happy and feel very lucky. The baby's got a beating heart, which - judging from my taskiness and distractedness when hearing it (a moment that supposedly brings expectant moms to tears, but made me yawn and check my watch) I should be happy that s/he is ALREADY more human than me... I'm like a pregnant tin (wo)man. I guess it is still a little abstract for me to grasp. But one thing I know, is this bean is also already starting to bring out the best in katy and me- Joy is recently more easy to stumble on even in average, annoying, and/or boring moments. And we've laughed more together in the last few weeks than it seems like we have in years.