Newsletter: Month 4

Dear JB,

Today you are 4 months old.



This month, we are basking in the glory of 5 and 6 hour stretches of sleep. A few times, you even slept from 9pm to 5:30 am. Though you are keeping us on our toes this week (slipping back to 3 and 4 hour naps at night,) in terms of maintaining parental mental stability, longer nighttime sleep cycles are huge. The major uncertainty related to regulating your schedule is we don't know how much you eat, (or how much you need to eat for that matter.) We don't know if you are waking up because you are hungry, because you are bored, or because your bones hurt due to the fact that you are growing like one of those foam animal capsules in water.



Side bar: You have your 4 month well-visit on Friday. We are curious about the vital stats because you seem so huge to us. We're pretty sure you can't have kept up the growth pace of your first 2 months, but we are nervous that they will want to take pictures for some medical text or circus guidebook for overgrown mammals; or they will tell me I've been overfeeding you...




Let's cut to the (newsletter) chase- developmental milestones:



1) This month you have gained some serious neck and head control. You tolerate "tummy time" for up to 10 minutes at a time and you bring your head and shoulders high off the ground/bed/blanket. Due to this newly earned "muscle strength" you even help out more with the breastfeeding...I mean, it's not all on me to hold your head in perfect alignment anymore.



In addition to your Giddy-up-and-go gym, your activities this month include sitting up in this cool baby chair called a Bumbo. The Bumbo is made of a polyurethane hard foam. It is designed to support you up high on your back and pinch your legs into front "holders". This is basically a free-standing gym for babies. When Mac was little, she would start sitting in the Bumbo, head up and giggling, but after a few minutes, she would be crying and slumped over.



You take the workout well, but usually throw up before we pull you out of there. Some runners run until they throw up too... (I'm telling you about this here because I doubt you will ever see me run or exercise until I throw up.)

Though the Bumbo is manufactured in South Africa, it was recalled this year along with about 1000 toys produced in China. We were worried because we love the Bumbo, but it turned out that the "recall" consisted of bringing the toy back to the store to get a sticker slapped on it which read: "WARNING – Prevent Falls; Never use on any elevated surface.” The company further advised "Consumers should use the Bumbo seat at ground level, but should never leave a child unattended." Apparently, parents were putting their kids in their Bumbos and leaving them on the top of refrigerators and such; then somehow blaming the company for their incredible stupidity. Soon we will have to have warning labels on dimes: Choking hazard; citizens should never give to children to teethe or suckle.



Anyway, the greatest part of the Bumbo is that it offers you the chance to play while sitting up on your own- to see the world from a different perspective. And we like getting to see you in a new, hip, upright position too.



2) You've found your hands. Watching you discover your hands was delicious (though soggy.) It took about 2 weeks. When you first started trying to bring your hand to your mouth, you would extend your arm straight up over your head, and drag the fist over your head and face until you found your mouth after excruciating effort. Your hand always remained closed because though you knew you had a hand, the knowledge of fingers still did not exist. You shoved that paw into your mouth and sometimes used paw number two to push paw number one in deeper. You were un-phased by the choking that followed this maneuver. Over a little time, though, you've started to spread your digits a little and suck your thumbs (at least as often as gnawing on your whole fist.) Your mama likes the fact that you have this self-soothing tendency, and i agree except there is so much drooling that we've started to put you in bibs.



3) You are well into your oral fixation and have started to actually bring toys and other things to your mouth. I know this sounds obvious, but until the last few days of this month, you didn't have the first idea how to reach out and grab for things, so how could you possibly get them to your mouth. I am really proud of the progress you've made in "grabbing" and "grasping" things. You are a real detective, troubleshooting this objective and you are just as likely to bring your head down the item you want to chow on as you are to realize that you can bring it up to your mouth.




We are still truly amazed at your temperament. At a few points this month, we noticed that you have started "whining" or "whimpering" either when you want something, are bored, or would like us to pay more attention to you. We have caught ourselves calling you "fussy" and then kind of chuckle because we think if parents with a real fussy baby heard us put you in that category, they would toss a brick at our skulls. You smile and laugh and coo and talk. If there are a lot of people around or you find yourself in a louder or busier atmosphere than normal, you get quiet, and really observe. When you startle, you are easily calmed, reassured, and eager to settle down.



I have started obsessively "eyeballing" you at night. I guess every parent does this, and it's not brand new to me either. But before when I was checking on you, it was always to "make sure you were breathing." When you were so new and little, it seemed impossible to trust the fact that you were really here and your little body was doing all that it needed to do to function. But now, seemingly for the first time, I want to go in and just look at you while you sleep not out of panic, but to offer a little rejuvenating "coffee break" to my heart. I'm not sure why at 4 months have i only now discovered this little pick me up. I guess I was too busy with logistics before and perhaps running on automatic pilot. Now, I just want to soak you in and eat you up (as we Italians are inclined to say.)



This month, we picked out a day care for you to start going to next month. Your mommies are lucky because waiting this long could have really blown up in our face. We were told a long time ago to pick the day care before you were born. We were advised that day care hunting for an "imaginary" child was possible, but once you were here, no daycare would be good enough. Alas, you were born 2 weeks early, and we weren't really on top of the day care scene before that. Then, time slipped away and the holidays came, and let's be honest, this was just a procrastinatory form of denial.



We made a slew of calls to see who had openings and what costs were involved and then went to see 4 day care centers in one day. The first visit was like my first visit to a nursing home. When I walked in, the sights and smells were so foreign to my brain that I thought I was going to throw up for about 10 minutes. Then over the next 20 or so minutes, I started to open up to the experience. The next center, we liked much better. I still don't know if they got a higher rating because of that sensory explosion I experienced at the first place, but experts say, "you've got to trust your instincts in these things." At the 3rds stop, I told your mom she could stay for the "tour" if she wanted, but I would meet her in the car. (Compared to #1 and #2, the place was a "Horra Show" [as one from RI might twang].)



After much discussion and weighing out of options, we made a trip to town-of-my-childhood where your cousins are in day care together, and where Mac has thrived for nearly 1.5 years. And this is where the "lucky" part comes in... We all hit the timing just right- there's a spot for you right next to Cam, and for now the one thing your mommies know is that we are not in it alone. We have your aunt and uncle who have been trying this place out and "watching" them watch your cousins... We have your grandparents as back up, if we should have emergencies at work... and instead of 2 sets of eyes and 2 hearts observing the effect of day care on you, there will be closer to 7 sets (and here I'm counting on Mac too- who will be there all day, every day... Aunties' little spy!)



The transition to day care is going to be difficult for us. Probably harder for us than for you. I know that I will miss you- pure and simple. We will have considerably less time together as a family. But there will be structure there that we cannot provide. And social opportunities that an only child could not experience without this arrangement. Even though we could never live the life we live and stay in this house if one of us gave up our salary, it is not a purely financial decision. Your mommies are trying to trust that there are things we can provide that no one else could (in terms of loving you, protecting you, and wanting what is best for you.) AND, to be fair, there are things (such as structured stimulation, some semblance of a schedule, and uninterrupted attention to your development and care) that experts might offer you better than your mommies can...




But did mention that we will miss you when you are not with us??? This is going to be some major separation anxiety!!!

I've been noticing your hands a lot lately. (Probably because I've been watching you notice them for the first time.) Above, I called them "paws" and they are sturdy and padded like a large dog's paws. Your dexterity is obviously clumsy, and you are not yet able to accurately direct the movements of your fingers and wrists. Still, your movements are intricate and fumbling and sweet. When you are excited, you roll one hand over the other rapidly. When you are hungry or crying or calming down you clench those fists tight, whitening your knuckles. When you are stressed, you bring a hand up to cover your eyes, or hold your head (which is insanely similar to the way I nervously rub the back of my head when I am upset.) When you are Zen or sleepy, you sweep an open hand over our skin or your toys. This sweet stroking motion makes me consider all of the things that we humans ask our hands to do: turn keys and tie shoes and dig holes and shovel snow; throw balls, thread needles, type stories, run speaker wire, pound nails, change channels, make art, play music, communicate subtleties, express empathy, demonstrate affection, actualize love.



When we look at you- the very personification of love in our lives- we can only hope that we set a good example and teach you how to use your hands for good: to be courageous in your tenderness toward others; to be generous and strong in the traditional sense but also in the ways that will be unique expressions of your personality.




We love you.
Your mommies

Only as my maternity leave comes to a close...

Do I find out while "flipping channels" that FRISCO Jones and DUKE Lavery have both been hiding out on the Bold and the beautiful!!!

You're gonna love this...

Hat tip: The Muriels

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

Aunt Flo

Well, my "monthly package" arrived... almost a year to the day that I conceived.

I know this might be a sporadic (not monthly occurrence) but I was practically guaranteed by Le Leche League (in the manner that a door-to-door Mormon promises salvation) that I wouldn't bleed again until I stopped breastfeeding... Most empty promises will not be discovered until you put all your faith in the wrong lobbying power.

My period came without the usual warning signals and with vague, minor (no need for OTC analgesia) cramping, when I was used to 3 Motr.n every 4 hours type pain; but it is dark and bloody and a REAL period, not some weak-assed, maybe-it-is-maybe-it-isn't type show.

What's the deal with this? I would think nothing of it except that my milk production seems to have slowed down too and I'm wondering if now-when it's time to start pumping to keep the kid alive in day care- I'm going to start to have "supply issues." I'm mostly concerned about this because I (pronoun "I" underlined twice and in CAPS) want to get to decide when we are done breastfeeding... I don't want my body to get to "tire out" or whatever. I understand that we don't always get what we want but sometimes we get what we need, but I am proceeding cautiously here because while a part of me is ready to be done with the tittie feeds, I can feel a part of me might fall apart a little if this decision is taken away from me. And frankly, I'm not that used to feeling like I need to be in total control (I leave that to many of the other women in my life.)

Kt says: "Maybe it's your body's way of telling you it's time to get pregnant again..."
Right. Appreciate that.

If this continues on a monthly basis, it is going to effect our bottom line. Our fiscal bottom line: we have been enjoying the decreases in monthly costs associated with my lack of tampon use and JB's lack of formula consumption.

And this, my friends, is why we have a "too much information" label!!!

The media

And this is why I love John Stewart...



The snippets on the news both local and national is 90% editorial and frequently cruel. The real footage is rarely shown, The stories of press conferences and candidate outbursts are only recounted to middle America by people who have a serious stake in controversy: Ratings.

Obama's top ten

I think the deadpan delivery wins it for me...
Good for David Letterman and Barack Obama



Hat tip: Joe

WTF (part 2)

This is just sad...
predictable, but sad.
America, you've been duped.

WTF!!!

IF AL-Freaking-GORE had said anything close to this when he ran for president 8 years ago, I think I would have quit my job and followed him around the country!!!

It's not only the blatant, comprehensive support for gay marriage, it's that he pieced together an honest opinion, a cogent thought, took a side, made a stand...
Also, he sounds a little gay... it's hot!

I-chatting, the new pony-express

So the coolest, new way to grandmother long-distance (and yes, "grandmother" is a verb) is to get online with a web-cam and ichat... We do this with Kt's parents at least once a week, and it is pretty awesome.

Tonight I realized that JB likes to look at himself in the little preview box which is kind of interesting b/c it is so much smaller than the full screen picture. So, he might need to be told the story of Narcissus later on, but for now I think it's exciting that he can see and he recognizes himself or "a baby" that he is interested in.

Isn't technology grand?!?

Welcome young sports fans...

Well, it looks like JB couldn't care less about the Pat's game...
Thanks be to God that Katy has someone to share the love of the hum-of-the-crowd with!!!

Laundry update

Things are getting out of hand...

Today, JB shit through 3 separate outfits. This is not poor diapering, people... This is just unlucky and forceful spraying of excrement. Also, he required 4 bibs and a 4th costume change due to excessive drool and spit up.

I wore the same soiled shirt all day, but before I was even dressed this am, I had to shrug my soft, soft bathrobe off to protect it from all kinds of accidents. Half-naked this AM, I struggled to keep his shitty diaper contained, and when projectile spit up was added to the recipe, I jumped back and knocked over the bottle of liquid, infant multivitamins (not a good smell, or a good look for a nursery carpet.) Also, at several points today, my shirt was so wet it needed to be changed. Since in each case, I just didn't get to it until after it dried, I'm still wearing the above-mentioned v-neck. I guess I'll shower after we give the boy his bath tonight...

I have found that one of my favorite things is dressing JB up in his cute clothes, but I'd be lying if I said that this many changes due to the fact that he can't keep liquid inside any of his holes wasn't totally frustrating today.

Jake's first Trip around DC

So, we went away this past weekend and it was a fantastic trip!

The proof is in the pudding pictures!

Overheard at 25,000 feet

Since the DC area got approximately 12 cm of snow, there were some issues flying into Baltimore on Thursday.

1) In Hartford:
Pilot: There is a landing schedule due to some back up in Baltimore, so we are going to sit on the ground here in Hartford for about 10 minutes so that when we arrive, we will be in line to land.

Me: yeah, right... waiting here now will put us in line to land quicker. That doesn't work when I choose to go to Olive Garden at 8pm instead of 6:30 thinking thinking the lines will go down, how's it going to work here?

JB: (smiling as the cabin pressure changes and we prepare to take off) Goo-goo, gah-gah...

2) In the air:

Me: Why are we flying through the turbulence-filled clouds when we could fly above the clouds?

Kt: I don't know, babe.

JB: (Starting to fall asleep like the ridiculously easy traveling child that he is.) Goo-goo, lar-lar-lar

Pilot: We are going to have to stay flying in the clouds for most of the 50 minute trip, so it could be bumpy- please stay in your seats, we are going to suspend beverage service for this flight.

Me: I'm so thirsty

Kt: of course you are, babe

3) In the air somewhere over Baltimore:
Pilot: We'll they've closed the airport below us. We have a back up plan, but we are going to circle overhead for a few minutes to see if the status changes.

Kt: a backup plan????

Me: (whispering to my wife) Water... water... i'm so parched

JB: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz-wuwuwuww, Zzzzzzzzzzz-wuwuwuwuw

Political climate

There's been a dearth of political posts on our blog. I have a few things to say about the front runners and a few opinions that i will at some point put forward, but can we all agree that the word caucus is asinine.

Caucus?!? Really?!?

Ri-cock-ulous*

----------------------------------
* footnote: Ricockulous is borrowed from the hip vernacular of cousin Gregger who easily convinced his trusting wife that this it is a little known synonym for ridiculous...
Jules, stop arguing the point... it's not a word.

Humbling new-parent moment #642:

Realizing you're not smart enough to design a baby monitor.

When we first started using the baby monitor I was irritated by all of the static and interference. I don't know if various models differ. If, for example, spending $100 is enough to get a quality product? Or, do you have to upgrade to DECT technology and spend $200? Is an audio device sufficient? Or do you need to spend $220? Which seems like a bargain when it includes a flat screen video monitor! All things being equal, we agree with the Quakers, that the 4th amendment protects even the baby against illegal spying. Also, though we know very little about these devices, we knew (as pawns of the "keeping baby safe" billion dollar industry in the USA) we had to own one. So we registered NOT for the cheapest of it's kind ($19.99), BUT, well... just about...

At $29.99, our baby's monitor promises very little (see the wildly hilarious mixed reviews at the bottom of the link) yet demonstrates first and foremost that we care enough about our baby to use an item that is NOT THE CHEAPEST ONE AVAILABLE!!!

Delivering 2 weeks early and feeling overwhelmed (I refute those that might call it pure laziness) throughout late pregnancy and early motherhood, we owned the monitor months before we took it out of the box or plugged it in (which happened about 10 minutes before JB was put down for the first time to sleep in his own room about a month ago).

I did initially regret not spending more (well, asking the folks that bought things off our registry to spend more). One of the worst features, in addition to the occasional static interference and the tendency for the device to either pick up too much noise or too little noise, I discovered one night when the baby was sleeping downstairs near one of the portable receivers. I was upstairs in the baby's room and in a moment dedicated to decreasing our carbon footprint, switched the monitor off since the baby was not present IN the room to be monitored. Turning the monitor off caused a squealing, screeching ruckus to pour out of the two remote receivers. This woke the baby up and caused him distress, and I was a little PEA-OWED! "What is wrong with these baby monitor designers!?!" I muttered incoherently as I soothed the boy back to sleep.

Then last week I had my second rush-to-judgment toward the monitor's makers. I'll admit it, I was being a hater, inappropriately. It went like this: I was lying in bed, listening to the tiniest amount of static behind which I could identify the dripping of the humidifier in JB's room, and just under that, the nearly silent respiratory pattern of the boy himself. As often happens during a moment of peace experienced by a new mom, my scattered thoughts drifted toward midnight intruders and child abduction. I was about to rant to katy that the baby monitor was useless if someone could come in and shut it off without us knowing, and then scurry off with our most prized possession. Thanks for the false sense of security Mr and Mrs "Safety 1st safe glow" monitor maker!!!

It wasn't until the next morning that I realized our monitor (cheap though it might be) does offer a type of kidnapping prevention... The squealing, screeching ruckus that nearly caused me to return it to the store demanding a replacement, was likely an intentional part of the design.

Sometimes I feel like I'm re-inventing the wheel every minute of the day...
And it's all I can do to keep my mouth shut and not to embarrass myself by the glacial pace at which my neurons are firing.

Sick kid on my shoulder

I'm typing with one hand so that our baby can sleep while i blog.

There's no particular reason to multi-task in this way except I think the boy has his 1st cold. I say, "I think," because in lieu of a fever, I'm not sure how you tell if a 3.5 month old is sick. He's just not himself. But as I've pointed out several times in this blog, I don't really know the kid all that well... Maybe he is "changing."

Anyway, the little boo is so sleepy and his eyes are puffy and a little red, and he isn't that interested in the giddy up and go gym and he can't really soothe himself to sleep (which normally he is perfectly content to do.) So, we'll just kind of hold him and love him, make sure he's still peeing, and he wakes up to eat, and we will dose him with Ty.lenol (if it comes to that.)

I didn't yet post about our day-long quest for the perfect day care (this Thursday past). Since Thursday, I've returned to my crazy state of insomnia where I'm up at 2 or 3 am and can't fall back to sleep until 5 or 6am (coincidence? shya.)

I can't deny that there is a part of me that is looking forward to going back to work. I miss the place. I'm good at that job. I get something out of it other than a paycheck. Additionally, there is a part of me that knows... knows (in bold and in italics) that day care can give this kid more than I can.

Yes, you heard me right. Not more love, obviously... but more stability, structure, redundant and focused age-appropriate learning.

I've had 5 or 6 women say to me: "Keep saying that if it makes you feel better." Which i think is kind of f---ing ridiculous to even mentally challenge me on, let along say to a new mom who is about to put her kid in day care (I mean I could go on and on about how annoying that is! Do they not understand about KNOWING something; in both bold and italics)?!? Don't argue with me here, sister.

It is not really a financial option (because we've decided that we don't want to sell our house and live the way we would have to live on only one income) but I feel confident that even if we could afford for me (or katy) to stay home, we would not be able to stay home with him and focus on him to the extent that they will. There will be days where I would be all like, hurry and finish your yogurt so that we can go meet up with the chicks from the View... and TV watching would be just the beginning of all of the things I would be trying to get done during a day... "I know you're tired, but there is only one-day for the 'family and friends ONE DAY sale' at Koh.ls, honey... that day is today, so here's a binkie and try to keep it down..."

Still, there is a part of me (and I know katy shares in this) that gets physically ill at the prospect of being away from him for that huge percentage of our day.

We visited 4 day care establishments on Thursday, and decided to register JB at the day care attended by his cousins. This decision will require JB's mommies to increase their work commutes, but the day care is located just about half-way between my work and home. It was the cleanest looking of the four, the director appears to be well liked and kind. It comes with "adult" family back up only minutes away, and JB and Cam will spend their days in each other's company. Mac will be in the next room and we were told she asks to come in the newborn room 1-2 times a day to pat Cam on the head and say Hi.

The other night when we drove to check out the evening traffic route, a dry-run for day care "pick up," we met my sister and her little ones in the parking lot. I can't say that the comparative quality of the facility isn't highest on our list of priorities, but when Mac motioned for me to put JB's carrier down so that she could plant a kiss on his cheek, it was an endearingly compelling argument. She even made the "kiss noise" for him, which is an extra nugget of sweetness the rest of us don't always earn.

So it is probably no coincidence either that after spending 10 to 20 minutes each in 4 separate day care centers, the boy seems to have come down with his first cold....

whatchagonnado?

Bacon

I'm surprised we don't post more about Bacon...
In fact, I think I'm going to give bacon it's own label, and make a point to post about bacon at least 1 in 5 times that Kt and I mention how much we love it during our off-line lives.

Last week, we saw the movie Juno.
(I know what you're thinking, "I read the blog... there was a holiday, out of town visitors, a death, a funeral, a wedding... when the fuck did these people find time to go to a movie?!?" Well, if you must know, it was in between the death and the funeral and during the grannys' visit. We had free babysitting in our living room, see?)

Anyway, we liked the movie so much that we had this scheme to do a Siskel and Ebert type of review of it on the blog. But not thinking thumbs (up or down) were very exciting, we agreed that a slice of bacon was as good a rating system as anything else. A movie that could get 5 out of 5 slices of bacon from each of us (10 slices total) would be a movie that we both agreed was sensational.

Then dooce had to post this clip. It really makes me appreciate her more, but I thought my love affair with bacon was my own private Idaho; apparently everyone wants in on the action...

Laughing and rough housing

The kid is so fantastic.

I didn't know you could "rough play" with a (soon to be) 16 week old. Probably because though I've been around a lot of kids in my life, they always belonged to someone else. Not spending enough time with these little ones to really "know them" and not wanting to cause any problems, I always prioritized gentleness and never "pushed it." But this JB kid, he loves to play! And now that he can pretty much hold up his head, I've started to move him more... errr... um... against gravity and stuff.

Slowly these last few weeks, we've been trying to let him see all the ways his body can move, getting more physical at playtime. Tonight, I was "rolling" him over on himself and doing calisthenics with his legs and a sort of wild version of the hokey-pokey... and he laughed and laughed. He is so good natured! He peels into baby babble, smiles, and screeches in laughter.

Also, if he hears or sees us laugh, he laughs back. The other day, we were laying in bed, talking over a sleeping son, and Katy made some quip that cracked me up. She laughed at my chortle and then JB (in his sleep) joined in the laughter. Kt and I looked at each other in disbelief and then peeled into giggles which prompted the still sleeping boy to laugh again. Since then, we've repeated the exercise and it works when he is awake as well.

There is no denying that this child is getting a ton of loving attention, but he seems to have come to us with an amazing personality, ready to laugh and play.

Sigh.

Just like a McD's cheeseburger: "I'm lovin' it."

Twins

Today, Cam-Cam who was a little under the weather came to visit with her cousin and me. We had a nice day, and I got some serious cuddle time with the little girl who is so often content to chill and watch a room full of activity in a bouncy seat.

There was a little more crying than I am used to; and I give serious props to the parents and primary care takers of twins. I mean doing that back and forth from baby to baby, for a day here and there is one thing, but... day in and day out: Making sure that you are paying the right kind of attention to both simultaneously and appropriately prioritizing different kinds of cries and needs... that's a ton of mental and emotional work.

I'm glad Web and I dodged a bullet and neither one of us had twins this time around, because I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle 3 infant cuties at once!

Mr and Mrs Rich Taylor

Last night, we went into NYC for a wedding.

Since the DJ introduced the couple into the reception for the first time using the wrong last name (not hers and a mispronunciation of his) and an incorrect variant of his nickname, I feel their identities are protected enough to blog about their nuptials :)

These are seriously two of the kindest and hippest peeps I know.

I initially expected one of those picture perfect, high-society events where every detail has been infinitely obsessed over. When on Christmas Eve I heard a rumor that the groom had not yet finalized a tuxedo rental, I thought little about it... so what if he ended up wearing powder blue ruffles!?! (He didn't, btw.) Though traces of the newlyweds' laid back preparations ruled the night, this is par for the course with the groom's family (a family Katy and I consider an extension of our own.) Last night proved that throwing a wedding together in 2 months is bumpy, but not impossible.

The church ceremony was intimate and sweet, and had the guileless characteristics of a final rehearsal before the full dress rehearsal. There were last minute adjustments in blocking for the wedding party during the ceremony and a missing reading that the minister had to go "back stage" to retrieve before the words could be delivered.

When we arrived at the reception, the table assignments and place cards weren't yet coordinated. And the first few of us that arrived looked like a team on "The Apprentice," scampering about in formal wear, trying to complete a timed challenge.

The bride's physical beauty was overshadowed by her inner grace and non-plussed attitude, as items on the "to do" list were checked off in real time. For example, she ran up to the DJ to deliver a list of "special songs" about 12 seconds before the 1st dance, mother/groom, and father/bride dances.

We joked that the DJ might have been hired that very afternoon, and he did his best, playing an eclectic assortment of tunes, at ear piercing decimals. Dancing happened before and during dinner in the only 6 by 8 foot area that was unoccupied by dinner tables. The space happened to be next to our table and was also the main concourse for the bathrooms, the wait staff, and the only access most guests had to the cash bar.

At a certain point in the night the word cluster-fuck popped into my mind. I tried to immerse myself in the spirit of the night and bobbed my head to the alternating beats of dance party USA and Luther Vandross, while flashes went off all around me capturing images of the spirited dancers to the immediate right of my seat. Early in the night, I was over: Over-tired, over-hungry, over-stimulated. And I developed one of those headaches where your body thinks that if you puke, you can get rid of the cranial throbbing.

It kind of sucked that I had to bow out early, but I tried not to beat myself up considering what we have been through in the last several days weeks. Katy tried not to seem too excited or relieved that I was the one who was begging to get back to the hotel (She tires of being the half of our couple who usually is ready to leave a party first.) Though I know she was about 10 seconds from demanding I get her to a place she could lay quietly and unwind, she played the part of doting wife well, "I have to get Tracy home, she has an awful headache."

We dropped Jake off with friends (his second night without us ever) at noon on Saturday, ran (literally) to make the 12:55 train to grand central, and were back to pick him up by 10 am today. We were gone for 22 hours and I had the above mentioned headache for the last 12 hours of the odyssey. But I wouldn't have changed anything. The train ride in with my wife, parents, sister, and Bro in law was full of comradery, loving laughter, the cleansing exhalation that follows a few days of holding your breath and tongue. Not to mention the the sensation of gratitude that you experience when you can finally swallow the lump in your throat.

We are lucky and immersed in blessings, that even the saddest and most trying times could be followed or interrupted by this type of weekend together.

Congratulations R and K! We look forward to watching your family (and therefore our family) grow.

Final goodbye

The Geej was eulogized and buried today.

She left kind of a mess behind- her three surviving children, despite their best efforts to the contrary, were forced (both by her lack of forsight and their own pride) to stand toe to toe more often today, than hand in hand or shoulder to shoulder. I'm not sure I've ever had more conflicting feelings about things that are supposed to be straightforward.

I mostly ache for my dad. The last 5 months in caring for my grandmother, you would think he might have gained the certainty of knowing that she (and his siblings) loved and respected him. But he is filled with self-doubt and worry... that he didn't do enough; that he wasn't good enough; that his best efforts were met with suspicion about his intentions.

I wonder why it has to unfold like this. Dad's got his daughters' love and respect, his wife's whole heart, but today, he wanted a mother who prioritized the words, "Thank you" and "I love you." A father who said, "I'm proud of you." And a brother or sister who would stand up and said, "You did an amazing job. No one could have done more than you did..."

Sometimes we ask too much of our families.

It's been a long, hard day.
A day made easier by the existence of cousins.

Happy New Year

We got a snowy-ish, slush "storm" today which gave us a good excuse to get home and stay put all day. (Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.)

I made chicken pot pie and the dinner and the quiet, family time were yummy.

We ended the year a little like we started it; preparing for a funeral. Yet our lives are so utterly different than they were 12 months ago.

At this time last year, Katy and I intended to resume fertility efforts sometime around March. We figured if we were lucky, we might have a child in early '08. Acting like a couple of hets who "are not really trying, but not really not trying." We messed around with some seemingly innocuous frozen sperm, and here we are... a family.

I have to say, I am deep on the exhausted side of tired. Running ragged on maternity leave might be catching up with me. The idea of burying my gram on Friday and attending a wedding this Saturday in NYC seems asinine. I feel all beat up and stuff. I cannot count the number of women who felt free to tell me during my pregnancy (after I said that I was having trouble sleeping) "You think you're tired now, just wait until the baby is born..." I thought that was really, REALLY, SUPER UN-helpful... But I guess I have to admit those bitches were right. I prefer to think that they were coincidentally lucky with their best guesses about how tired I would be, but whatever.

Bottom line: I pushed it hard when I was pregnant, and I never felt this exhausted. But there is a second bottom line: this kid is rocking our world in all ways that are good.

Happy New Year!
And to all a good night.