Even though I am starting to truly question the extreme volume of crap that i currently own- wondering if it might not be time to simplify and rid myself of some of these possessions (can you tell this year- 33- is my jesus year?) It's still nice to get cool things from peeps: a gift card to Barnes and Noble; a facial, a golf-practice set (not to mention a FABULOUS dinner out at Colonial Times, one of my favorite restaurants); a WEBER gas grill- yummy!!!
Also, on my b-day i took a day off from work and did what i would do with 65-90% of my days if I were independently wealthy: Go jump in the Atlantic Ocean for a few minutes, spend an hour or two on the beach, and then spend an hour or two at the casino. (hmmm.... laaaaahhhhllaaa.)Of course, if I were independently wealthy, I wouldn't have to lean over a craps table where wannabes will correct me, mockingly when I accidently say, "hard 12."
I know there's no "12 the-easy-way" in dice, i just got caught up in all the excitement. Easy there, Mr. Retired senior citizen... Easy there, Mr. "I need to go the bathroom." (When your chips run out, the stall you saddle up to is called an ATM, not a urinal...) Let me ask you a question, sirs... if you're so perfect at the craps table, what are you doing here with me at a $5 minimum table on a thursday at 2pm?!? In the craps table of my dreams, placing an adorable, "Hard 12" bet would elicit a chorus of approving cheers and a shower of $100-chips being added to my piles.
Regarding this birthday: I have started to notice a few things that i can only explain metaphorically as passing through the arches of adulthood onto the yellow brick
1) The feeble-minded scarecrow. Last week, i had to stop mid-recipe to draw two circles so I could visualized that 3/4 was a larger amount than 2/3. Don’t get me started on the fact that the lines and numbers on my “old” measuring cup have worn off (HOW OLD DO YOU HAVE TO BE to own a MEASURING CUP whose lines and increment identifiers have WORN OFF?!?!) Forget the fact that this information used to be memorized for quick extraction… I recall a time when the mental arithmetic involved in converting simple fractions was not so overwhelming that i had to immediately resort to pie-chart sketchings.
2) The cowardly belly. My metabolism is seriously slowing down. In addition to grieving the decline of my mental powers, I am saddened by the fact that i just can't "bounce back" from the negative affects of combinating inactivity and fried food the way i used to...
3) Slide some oil to me. No, I am not ready yet, to complain about decreasing estrogen levels, it’s in the bones: the knee joint is (barely) connected to the patella. When I ascend the stairs my wife gives a disgusted look as if I am making farting sounds with my armpits. I can’t help that the bones grind together in that fashion, try not to look so repulsed, baby.
4) And your little eye-goop too. Something has changed in my body’s ability to keep my eyes free from crust and mangy goop. I don’t know what else to say except this is a noticeable, unanticipated inconvenience in my hygiene and grooming routine(s).
All in all, HOWEVER, I’m the picture of perfect health…
Well, one ALTERNATIVE version of good health…
Okay, someone’s (a much unhealthier individual’s) ideal version…
Well maybe not their ideal version, but I might be their: “I’ll get
to that on my way to IDEAL HEALTH” motivational imagery tool…
Frankly, I know that my level of health is the envy most
Well, there. I think we can all agree on that last point- Aim high, playa’s!!!
But seriously, Don’t you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me???
Don’t cha?
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