Play Ball

Yesterday was opening day for the Better Homes Consignment Babes of softball legend and lore. We had to play the evil "Kitchen that hides." These women are beasts. As we all get older, their frequent reconstructive knee surgeries say it all. Year after year, they take the field armed with tendon straps, elbow pads, and technically innovative joint hardware, lubricated for battle. Their excessive desire to win- no, TO DOMINATE- is something I can't wrap my brain around... Compared to the other teams in this league, who are only hoping for a little fresh air and some batting practice before an evening libation, their attention to victory can only be described as inappropriate zealotry.

Last night, the fields were wet and we had an 85 year old umpire. Montgomery Burns took position behind home plate and from the first pitch the situation became clear: Either "Blue Geeze" 1) was legally blind, or 2) He is known as "Grandpa" to someone on the opposing team, or 3) He had been threatened with bodily injury if he did not throw the game in their favor.

Don't get me wrong, there was no way we were going to win last night: We had 9 players and they had 10... They have been juicing up all spring (most likely with injectibles) we haven't touched our gloves or bats since last August... Still, on 3 separate defensive plays, we tagged out players who were called "safe." The women of "Hidden Kitchen" are not of the "it's a friendly game" mindset. If the ump makes an obvious error, they believe you should capitalize on it! Never cop to the fact that you were 2 steps off the bag when you felt the tag... Why encourage a reversal of the decision just because ancient eyes were clouded by Alzheimer's medication and made the call from from 40 feet away while squinting at the sunset?!? All's fair in Cheshire Women's League Softball for God's sake!!!

Poor sportsmanship aside, I had only one goal last night: To avoid a trip to the ER. We lost 14 to 2, but this morning, no one had their jaw wired shut and no one needed stitches or a shoulder popped back into place, so check off "success" on the score books for that one.

The most entertaining part of the night was when someone's TOTALLY UNCOOL mom came up to the softball field from a track meet and called the cops on our cooler caddy: "This is school grounds, you're NOT supposed to be drinking beer here." That poor lady. I hope she never has to fart, because there will definitely be some kind of high pressure ESSSPLOSION!!! So we were chased off to the parking lot of a mortgage company where we pounded a few Miller Lites to celebrate the first success of a new season!