Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mother's day

Our first Mother's day was nice. Though, I don't think I am experiencing the hallmark holiday the way I am supposed to. I didn't experience some kind of squishy, I-might-tear-up reaction to the notion that this was our first mother's day. Even with how long we waited and what we tried to get this little dude here. I'm not sure if it's b/c there are two moms in our house that I'm not more like, "This is my special day." But considering how emotional I've been lately, it surprises me that I wasn't all introspective and dramatic about it. This day felt no different to me than any other day. I don't feel as "changed" as people indicate I am supposed to. I mean, don't misunderstand me... In general, I am changed. I am a little more anxious with these additional responsibilities and human ties. I am a little more tired in a physical and emotional sense. I am a little more full and settled and sure of my path than I was a year ago. I feel as if my skin fits a little better than it used to. And I love this boy. A ton. I'm blessed by bearing witness to his personality and growth process. And watching my beloved and my baby interact (my boo and my baby-boo) is just fantastic and endearing and gratifying.

I know as deep as it can be known that I am his mother. But I'm not sure that the label "feels" right just yet. Does this make sense? An example: last week, I was in a meeting and we were speaking of legislative and budgetary issues and I was playing my role of executive particularly well, and then this wave of "something" came over me and for a brief second, my brain was filled with only one, loud thought: I HAVE A KID IN DAY CARE- RIGHT NOW!

And as the smoke of this lightening strike of a thought gently dissipated, I had to mentally shake off the shock of it, and proceeded on through the rest of the meeting. Thing is, I usually have tons of thoughts flowing through my head all at the same time. It gets noisy in there and I am used to it. But it's like, when you're at a wild bar and then something happens that puts everyone into the same conversation for a second: DRINK'S ON THE HOUSE! HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
I mean, that is a memorable and unique/ shocking experience.

So, the "Mother" identity... it still fits like a starched lab coat on a first year nursing student.

But could it be that most of the essence of me is unchanged b/c I've always been a mother- I just never had a kid before? (Are people born gay? Are people born 'mothers' and 'fathers'?) It's like, all that love and patience I've tried to carry around and spread out, it has a more organized direction to flow in now. I'm still sometimes absolutely shocked that we have a son, but (I don't know how else to say it) I've always been a mom... something's always stuck in my throat when I saw bad things happen to kids on TV... I've always been willing to wipe up peoples' snot and crap and tears... etc.

I know that if JB had not been born last Sept, and this had been another mother's day just like all the other mother's days that Kt and I have spent for the last several years, we would have felt a little empty. And we would have probably been a little sad, without even meaning to be or maybe even knowing why. Instead, paradoxically, today felt like an average, normal, unremarkable day. But... it was a low-key, sunny, spring Sunday. And the resulting gratitude of such a day prevailed:
I have a seriously great life.

And I mean, good Lord...

How cute is this kid?

Yesterday, we went rock climbing. For the first time, Katy and Jake joined in the fun.
My fingers were burning and purple by the time we were done.

But our son spent the better half of 4 hours just looking around, being held, and acting content.
We took a few moments for a photo shoot when it looked as if JB needed to spend some time bouldering...

1 comment:

Dozer said...