The other shoe...

This Saturday something happened that I've been expecting since before the trip to Barcelona and before the ultrasound... I experienced a day of panic, a day of melancholy, a day of sweaty, dripping self doubt and insecurity. I'm like this. A lot of people think the hilarity never ends with me, but I fall into deep caverns of what can best be described as self-loathing and it usually occurs in the midst of what can otherwise be described as a perfect life. It might be chemical or genetic or hormonal, but waiting for the other shoe to drop is most certainly something I've picked up over the course of a honey-kissed existence that has been dimpled by infrequent but tragic and traumatic events.

So I wandered around yesterday feeling quite alone, though my baby would NOT stop kicking me from within, and my boo would not stop telling me she loved everything about me. I worried about money and time and illness and my friends. I worried about not following through with housework and chores and familial obligations, professional duties, volunteer assignments, and not planning out or properly plodding toward unrealized dreams. I worried about letting everyone down, being a failure and a disappointment. I worried that my parents love my sister more than they love me and mentally thumbed through all the reasons and evidence of that possibility. I worried about wasting talents and opportunities. I worried about mental illness and depression and what it might mean that I felt so down, and couldn't snap out of it. I felt inexplicably scared and damaged. And frankly, I spent some time feeling surprised that it took so long for this day to come. When things are going well, it's not like me to feel all that safe. I've learned that is precisely the time to be vigilant against sorrow and mentally prepare for let down. But this pregnancy has been a little different. I've been remarkable calm and haven't so much as smelled a whiff of a dirty sneaker hanging over my head waiting to fall. With every bit of good news, breathing has been easier, peace has seemed tangible, happiness has seemed ordinary.

Yesterday was scary.

But today was different. Today was a morning of laughing with family, an afternoon of yard work, and an evening of movie-watching on the couch with my baby (and our baby.) Productivity lightens an anxious heart. Today I was out there mowing and planting and weeding and sweating. Getting out of my head a little and into my body. Today I felt full- experiencing all that has gotten into and is growing in my body- without thinking too much about it. I guess it's okay if the doldrums come every once in a while...

Let the shoes fall where they may.

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PS- That was a statement of faith, not a challenge to God or the winds of fate