Sugar Crash

So the results of my glucose test are in and I screened positive and bought myself a 3 hour test. One hour after ingesting 50 Grams of glucola, my sugar was 159 and it needed to be below 130 or 140 (depending who you ask.) Now I go back for the 100-Gram, 3 hour, 3 blood draw test.

I'm better now, but this news sent me into a little psychological tailspin. First of all, underneath all of that laid back lethargy, there's a little perfectionist that runs things inside of me. Second, I know enough about diabetes to know that gestational diabetes is a huge risk factor for developing the illness later in life. So, I ran the marathon of denial starting at the "I'm sure I will pass the 3 hour test" pistol firing. I hit the early "I had a potato roll with peanut butter for breakfast- what did they expect" marker. And I finished the race soundly with an insane push: "I'd rather take insulin than change my diet." After the requisite recovery time I reflected on the craziness of that journey.

There wasn't just the continuum of denial, I got about 200 steps too far ahead of myself imagining a life of chronic illness, and for the first time in weeks, I felt sick. My head hurt. I felt woozy. I was tired, sluggish, and was having a little trouble breathing. Pathetic. I like to think I handle bad news well, and this was an example of handling the thought of bad news poorly.

I knew inside myself that these symptoms were psychosomatic and I needed to chill out, but I couldn't break out of it until the next morning. And then I had to face the day with puffy eye lids and dried tear ducts. Looking on the bright side, I noted amazing friends and co-workers and a super supportive spouse. They each took the opportunity to calm me, reassure me, make me laugh, and remind me I could handle whatever happened. They told me to chill out, to stop taking myself too seriously, to trust my body, and one even encouraged me to live the offered experience of really imagining life with a chronic illness- to benefit me as a health care provider and as a human. Most of them- blessedly- also offered me something sweet or carb-y to eat.