Thursday, December 20, 2007

Emotionally wrecked for the holidays

Tonight our new alarm clock went off. When we set it in the am, we set it to play the radio, so we had never heard the buzzing feature. It sounded like a house alarm: high pitched, rapid, whining beeping. Katy has been a little on edge all week. Some of the bravery she put forth related to carrying on the work of her office during, after, and despite the awfulness (of what happened to her boss and his family) melted away a little with the sight of Christmas lights this year. She is a sensitive soul with a soft spot for sparkle-y things in general and especially Holiday music and twinkling lights. When anxiety rises up in her, she will bite your head off in a heartbeat unless you know her well enough to cock your eyebrow and lovingly, silently stare her down.

I've come home and found her watching the tree on the verge of tears several times in these last 2 weeks and have needed to remind her how normal and brave it is to let those feelings out and not "stuff them away." Thwarted grief will only resurface another day. We're supposed to have dinner with her boss tomorrow though he has canceled on us the last several times we tried to catch up with him...

So, anyway, the alarm... If you had seen us when this alarm went off, what's the saying? -Jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I didn't realize I was so jumpy too. On the outside, I think I kept my cool, but my heart was pounding and I really almost crapped myself. I didn't recognize the noise, but I followed it in a methodical, deliberate fashion. I was worried about leaving katy alone downstairs, but knowing the baby was upstairs, I headed there first. When I realized the noise was coming from our bedroom, I entered, sort of mentally preparing to encounter an intruder (even though I was aware that we were locked in and that was a totally illogical prospect.) Finally determining it was the clock radio, I hit snooze and took a few minutes to calm down. When I returned to the living room (after eyeballing the baby) kt was staring at me like a startled doe.

We're gonna be all right, but looking over my shoulder in my own home is a new behavior for me. I don't like the feeling. I think "wrecked," is an exaggeration, but we are emotionally "worn thin..." Peace on earth, bitches. Keep singing about it, and maybe it can still come true...

1 comment:

C-LO said...

Yikes. Have you tried deep breathing and guided imagery? ;)

L's alarm is rather awful as well, but it has been faithfully waking her up since she was ten years old, so I just go with it.

Happy Holidays, Guys. I can't wait to hang out with y'all in the new year.