Friday, December 14, 2007

I finally get it

Yesterday, I ran to the store to "get going" on the holidays. Katy had come home from her teaching gig and offered to watch the kid so I could "pound out" some shopping before the snow really started and before she had to go to job number two.

SIDE BAR: Yesterday, job number two involved going to a Christmas party with her office staff. I'm blogging about this even though I made her promise not to tell our parents that we went out into the storm to get ourselves to said Christmas party... Since we all got home safe and sound, I'm hoping it's okay to admit that we made such a stupid decision (one that put us on the road for 4 hours to travel less than 10 miles. When we could have been sitting home drinking cocoa and tea, we ventured out to eat a crappy, comped meal in under 30 minutes b/c we were late and everyone, rightfully, wanted to hit the road and get home out of the storm.)

So, before the party, I left the baby and my Boo, to shop. Even though the snow had all ready started coming down pretty hard, I was all relaxed and "happy-adrenaline." I was psyched about the snow storm, about our all wheel drive vehicles, about being alive. I was drunk on love, on purchasing power, on the blessings of the last few months. I was also pensive and feeling cosmically lucky; like a woman who has landed safely after jumping out of a plane and spending several moments in panicked free fall unable to open the parachute.

I am lucky. LUcky. LUCKy. Lu-u-u-KEYYYYY.

I was thinking of the juxtaposition of our life now and of the summer. Of the people that are not here to experience Christmas this year, and the childless dad they left behind. The sad insanity of that paradox made me wanted to run outside in the blizzard until there was a snowbank to stick my head into. I turned the radio on and Katy had this song cued up on her CD player.


I turned it up so loud, the pavement under my tires vibrated and my ears strained to hear all the sounds at once. The reverberating beat was healing, cleansing, and the tiniest bit painful.
It hurt so good.
I don't even know what the hell that song is about, but it was the right song at the right time, and I felt no conflict in the complete self indulgence of the moment.

Later, I thought about all those times I've been at a traffic light and someone else's music was vibrating my tires and hurting my ears, and how cranky that made me at those moments.
I kind of smiled at my cantankerous, too-young-to-be-acting-this-old self getting all, "TURN DOWN YOUR MUZACK, SONNY!!!" And I was glad to gain a new perspective: Maybe what I have considered "noise pollution" all this time has been a necessary outlet and expression of emotion for those drivers/ disturbers of my peace.

Another day, another fucking growth opportunity (AFGO.)


Adam Hirsch said...

AFGO -- how incredibly apt. I am going to use that very frequently from now on, I predict.

Tracy said...

Fuck me for not being able to take the credit... former Orlop Vice President, e.Danton brought this quip into our lives...