Saturday, August 16, 2008

Shark




I know I shouldn't say this as we are about to visit the beach, but Michael Phelps has more teeth than any water creature I've ever seen...

I want to love and respect him in a pure, unadulterated way like the rest of America, but I am afraid he will chomp thru the TV screen and tear away at my limbs and flesh. I'm sure training to be the best swimmer in the world and perhaps the most winning-est Olympiad ever- all before the tender age of 24 has kept him busy... But really? No time for an orthodontist appointment? Or just a quick tooth extraction to give his chiseled jaw a break? I would think Nik.e would make this endeavor worth his while... god forbid he goes nuts at a photo shoot and breaks through the Plexiglas and snacks on all the photographers and commercial production staff.



Seriously. This guy is unbelievable. And he seems so nice. Obviously I'm kidding about taking some of his teeth out- It would probably cause him to lose some of his superpowers- not worth the risk AT.ALL.

I'm sure there's several rows of choppers in there anyway...

Speaking of the Olympics, I might not have mentioned that I'm living with an addict. Katy has watched all or part of the Beijing opening ceremonies three times. If we did not own a DVR, we would have had to purchase one for this televised event. There are like 40 channels and round the clock coverage. For the prime time footage, she makes herself wait to give the live coverage an hour or two head start and watches in a staccato frenzy of 10 second fast forward. I can't even follow the action via this method and can't figure out whose winning or losing. But she can some how still absorb the billions of factoids and background trivia surrounding the athletes and games:

T: Those unitard-suits look so silly
K: Those are Speed.o's New LZR ("laser") racer suits. That's the Bodyskin model... That's the Legskin model... Micheal Phelps was allowed by Nik.e to wear non-swish apparel because this is the fastest suit ever invented and the technology is patented.
T: (trying not to mock her geekish retention of Olympic facts for the 700 millionth and 1st time in a week) Is it really more comfortable to swim with all of that on? Why don't they just wrap themselves in some parachute nylon and a down comforter.
K: (not amused or even distracted from her 10 second, fast forward, remote controlled, games surfing) The elastane-nylon and polyurethane - Gore-tex allows for better oxygen flow to the muscles, and holds the body in a more hydrodynamic position, while repelling water. The seams of the suit are ultrasonically welded to further reduce drag. (She states sounding like a wikepedia entry.)
T: It doesn't bother you that that gore tex might get all tangled up in his teeth?
K: (no response)
T: Like a turtle caught in one of those plastic rings that hold six-packs of soda together?
K: (Watching the TV intently)
T: He COULD DIE!!!
K: (nothing)
T: WHAT ABOUT THE LITTLE CHILDREN?!?
K: (Hitting the fast forward button like she is playing a video game, ignoring non-essential, non-olympic noises...)
T: I think these suits should be banned.
K: (Speaking as if more trivia will shut me up) The suit can lower racing times by 1.9 to 2.2 percent...
T: Textile Doping- I'm surprised the cyclists haven't started eating these suits yet.

3 comments:

qBaz said...

Bwahahahaha. Did you know that Michael Phelps has existed in his current form since the Ordovician period, roughly 440 million years ago? and that his suit was crafted (some say ultrasonically welded, but we know better) in a complicated process involving God's own toenail clippings?

And that winning a race by .01 of a second is clearly the hallmark of some kind of divine (or infernal?) intervention?

Tracy said...

Let the rapture begin!!! Then maybe we can repeal DOMA and get a Democrat back in the white house!

Anonymous said...

Lay off KT! I can relate. If my DVR would simply hold more information there would be more Olympic viewing in the Weber household. Now this only happens every four years and it's great for family viewing. We all have our favorite events. Julie likes gymnastics, Madeline likes swimming, Molly likes the trampoline, I like everything and Mason just sits there saying...NICE. I think he got that from me!

Greg