Saturday, March 08, 2008

JB doesn't understand about saturdays...

It was a long week, during which I did decide to join the crying criers club.
On Wednesday, when all the denial wore off, I was missing my boy and to be honest, my home. If work were a little more "slow" this week I think I would have been able to "hold it all in." But my job this week was to prep for a huge staff presentation and off site meeting that we had yesterday morning. I volunteered to be the point person for that project and got in WAY over my head. Let's just say, I was up past midnight in non-mother related duties 3 nights this week, and went to be at 2am yesterday... Nothing like a little cramming and a mountain of self-expectation to get the party rolling.

The logistics of day care drop-off are getting much more routine all ready. But as the week progressed, I was organized enough to feel some of the emotion of the routine. Also, when I see my nieces at day care (that is supposed to make it easier to leave JB, but) many mornings, it felt like I was leaving three pieces of my heart behind as cam-cam giggles and screeches every time she sees me (every time she sees anyone, really) and Mac sweetly invites you to the big girl room to play stackable blocks with her. So, yeah, by Wednesday, I cried at quick but helpful cry.
... at work... sometimes these things can't be helped.

Katy and I had committed to go to this fundraiser for church last night, but by 9pm we were both zombies... we picked the kid up at S and J's house (friends of ours that we met through kt's work) and They were like, "I thought you were going to go out after the dinner."

Just. couldn't. last.

I was almost moved to tears again when I saw how JB was sweetly sleeping in the arms of S and J's 11 year old daughter. It's good to have friends you trust in terms of "they probably know more about how to care for our baby than we do..." but when these friends also beg, berate, demand, and don't quit until you actually set a babysitting date (and then insist on being the people who run to the store so you aren't arriving late to your "dinner date" when you show up without diapers...) We know we are truly blessed with a proverbial "village" helping us raise this child.

It was a successful week, but I am exhausted. Pumping at work is another element to all of this. I am used to literally working 8.5 to 9 hours most of it in meetings; often eating lunches during meetings, or while "catching up on my computer." I know that is not cool- that getting out of your work setting usually makes you more productive, but before the baby, it would often be 2 or 3 pm before I realized I hadn't taken a break yet. Now I have to find the time every 3-4 hours to pump for 20-30 minutes. That's about 2 hours a day attached to the breast pump (half of it at work.)

Putting that (again) logistical detail aside for a moment, pumping at work is not the same as pumping at home. Even though i am lucky and have an office with a door AND a lock, it was messing with my mind all week:

1) I am doing this for the baby and the baby's best interests, but the baby is nowhere to be found, seen, smelled, or heard.
2) I have to remember to do this for the baby, but the baby is not there to remind me
3) I am at work, in work clothes, that I have to partially remove to be a mammal
4) I have to leave meetings where I am all brain power and verbal "dominance" to go milk myself
5) When I am pumping, it is hard to do other things (even with the special bra-which is a nightmare to put on) but there is not much in my office to do during the pump except surf the net.

I have remarked to some friends, that it feels like it would be as natural for a zebra to be sitting at my computer checking my email as it is for me to be sitting there "acting normal" while I am half undressed pumping the milk out of my titties at the office.

It's one of those, "When you were in high school did you ever think you would end up doing this???" moments.

NOTE: the term "have to" is obviously not accurate, I can stop at any time, but if I want to avoid adding baby formula to our grocery list, this is what I have to do.

Anyway, we had all morning to "sleep in" but the boy doesn't know that... He's like a good do-be and woke up at 5:30 to get washed and dressed for day care. We fed him and he's hopefully about to fall asleep with us again now.

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