Postpartum

Today I had my first, serious postpartum crying jags.
Yes, plural.
One was during the day when I was here by myself, and one when kt came home from work. (I'm not counting the tearing up that occurred when I was on the phone with Lissa, or the NEAR-tearing up when i was on the phone with Web.)

I'm tired and overwhelmed and (honestly)
a little bored all at once.

The kid is fantastic: latching, eating, pooping, peeing, sleeping; even if that sleeping thing only happens for 1-3 hrs at a time (and that 3 hour scenario is rare and unpredictable).

The ICU nurse in me is not dead. I want constant bio-feedback: heart rate, resp rate, temperature, detailed and accurate I and O's. The crunchy, earth-mother in me wants some other feedback entirely: a serene and knowing gaze, a giggle, proof of some kind of deeper understanding... from a 19 day old???

What am i psychotic???

My biggest problem is that I'm having trouble staying in the present. Things are great, but what if they're not... I've lost weight but what if I balloon up in a few weeks. He seems so perfect and healthy, what if something happens... Very fatalistic and un-Zen.

I'm blaming the crying on the hormones. But I think more outdoor walking and perhaps some Yoga is called for. After spending the last 10 months surrendering to my body during pregnancy, I seem to have slipped right back into "my mind." In case you've never seen it up close, the immediate postpartum period is not exactly an intellectual endeavour, so my first order of business is to try and stay IN MY BODY for at least a few more weeks.